Lexx: Between the Light and Dark Zones
by Hammurabi
Summary: With the destruction of the Light Zone, Lexx travels to the Star Wars universe. Story fits between seasons 2 and 3 for Lexx, and approximately 1 BBY for Star Wars.
1. The End of the Universe

Author's Note

This is an AU crossover of Lexx and Star Wars, but mostly follows the adventures of Lexx and her crew. For Lexx fans, this story fits between seasons 2 and 3. For Star Wars fans, I'm setting the clock at about the year 1 BBY, but as this is a work in progress, I may need to retcon that later on.

I confess to not being a hard-core Star Wars fan – it's been a while since I've seen the movies and read a couple of canon novels – enough to know I've only scratched the surface. Feedback for corrections is appreciated, especially getting Yoda's speech pattern right.

* * *

Chapter 1: The End of the Universe

Far from home, far from a now destroyed world known as The Cluster, a lone ship came to a relative stop between galaxies. With the nearest reference points thousands of light-years away, it was as close to a stop as the ship could calculate. At ten kilometers long, the living ship called the Lexx bore a strong resemblance to a giant wingless dragonfly, testament to its bioengineered insect origins. The Lexx was the most powerful weapon of destruction ever built; a third generation planet destroyer, capable of pulverizing a planet in a single shot. And now something much worse was hunting it down.

The four crewmembers of the Lexx were gathered on the bridge, watching the bridge monitor.

"We are here," announced the Lexx.

"So where are we?" asked Stanley Tweedle. He had expected at least something to be out there, not a lot of nothing. A nervous middle-aged man, Stanley was once a security guard class four – the lowest possible level – while living on The Cluster. Stanley became a fugitive because he failed to report to an organ bank on time for an involuntary "contribution." While escaping The Cluster, and through sheer dumb luck, he acquired the key to the Lexx, making him captain.

"In the middle of everywhere," the Lexx replied solemnly.

"We are in the center of the universe, give or take about 70,000 light-years," said 790.

"Well that doesn't sound very accurate," complained Stanley.

"You try finding the center of the universe, you simple-minded idiot," 790 shot back. "As it happens, we are centered within 99.9999% accuracy. I could narrow it down further, but that would take years, at the end of which you would be dead – a pleasant outcome."

790 was once a service robot. Now only the head remained; a head with three small monitors displaying eyes and a mouth, allowing it to mimic facial expressions. Back on The Cluster, it had been accidently imprinted with a love slave program. Just one person was the object of its affection, and it wasn't Stanley H. Tweedle.

"It all looks so beautiful," said Xev, mesmerized by the spread of faraway stars on the monitor. Xev Bellringer of B3K had been transported to The Cluster as a prisoner for "failure in the performance of her wifely duties." Her sentence was to be remade into a love slave – a process interrupted. She now had the body and libido of a love slave, but not the programming. That had gone to 790.

"Looks can be deceiving my precious darling," replied 790. "I estimate at least 66% of the universe has already been destroyed by Mantrid drones, and given their exponential growth rate, the rest of the universe will be consumed in a matter of hours. What we are seeing is light from long ago, ghosts of stars gone forever. My fondest hope now is to see Tweedle die before anything happens to you."

A single Mantrid drone wasn't much to look at. It was essentially a flying robot arm ending in a rounded bulb. The whole thing was no bigger than your average arm and shoulder. But Mantrid drones were programmed to build more drones. Things had gotten out of hand.

"Keep it up, robot head," retorted Stanley, "And I'll toss you down a shaft, and you'll never know who dies first."

"NOOOOOO!" screamed 790, a look of horror on its digital displays.

"Quiet 790," snapped Xev. "Stanley, now is not the time."

"I suggest," said Kai, with little hint of emotion, "We monitor for the presence of Mantrid drones."

"Yeah," said Stanley, "Get on it 790."

"I don't answer to you," growled 790.

"790, do what Kai suggests," Xev softy said.

"Anything for you my sweet," replied 790, and tapped into the Lexx's sensors. Stanley rolled his eyes in exasperation.

Kai died over 2,000 years ago defending his planet, Brunnen-G, against the forces of His Shadow. A futile gesture – his planet was blown to pieces. Kai, as a final insult to the memory of the Brunnen-G, was remade into an animated corpse, a Divine Assassin in the service of His Shadow. Through a series of events triggered by an egotistical miscalculation by His Shadow, Kai regained his own memories as well as memories from the Divine Predecessors of His Shadow.

A minute or two passed in silence. 790 announced, "I have some good news."

"Yes?" said Stanley and Xev simultaneously.

"Tweedle is going to die soon."

"You mean we're all going to die, you mentally deranged piece of garbage!" shouted Stanley, tired of the constant needling from 790.

"That would be the bad news. My poor, poor Xev!"

"What have you found, 790?" asked Kai.

"There's a Mantrid drone swam about the size of a planet closing from 'below' us."

Stanley jumped up on the pilot stand and waved in front of him. A green holographic image of a palm print appeared. Stanley passed his right hand through the holographic image, which turned red, indicating the Lexx was alerted to a command from its captain. "Lexx, there's a Mantrid swam below us. I want you to turn and fly away as fast as you can."

"As you command, Stan," said the Lexx.

"Not so fast, security guard class four," said 790. "I haven't finished."

"Hold up Lexx," said Stanley, glancing over at 790. "What do you mean?"

"That's just the nearest swam, and the smallest too. There are more swarms closing in from all directions. The average swarm consists from approximately 14.2 quadrillion quadrillion Mantrid drones, each with a combined mass greater than a G2 star. And then there are the big ones further out."

"Lexx, turn towards the baby swam – the one the size of a planet – and fire!" yelled a panicked Stanley.

"As you command, Stan," droned the Lexx.

"Waste of time…" commented 790.

The Lexx rotated "down" until it aligned with the approaching swam. Its ocular parabola, hundreds of dome-like ports, opened in a sweeping pattern across its compound "eyes." Thousands of small points of light swirled out of the domes, combined together at a focal point in front of the Lexx, and fired a concentrated horizontal beam of energy. The beam swept out, hitting the swarm dead center. The planet-size mass was destroyed in a blinding flash.

"Woo hoo! Way to go Lexx!" yelled Stanley, jumping for joy.

"Can we escape the area?" asked Xev.

"No, love pumpkin," replied 790. "While our simple-minded captain was distracted by the shiny bobble Mantrid dangled in front of him, the other swarms have positioned themselves to make escape impossible. I can detect still more swarms massing in the area, and I mean massing quite literally. The only reason Lexx isn't being shaken apart by gravitational forces is because we are at the very center of the swarms."

"Lexx, are we completely surrounded by Mantrid drones?" asked a disbelieving Stanley.

"Yes we are, Stanley," replied the Lexx.

"Then targeting doesn't matter. Fire your weapon, any direction!"

"I am sorry, Stanley. The Mantrid drones are far outside my normal firing range. I do not think I will cause any damage."

"For once, the bug is smarter than Tweedle. Now I **know** it's the end of the universe." 790 blew a raspberry.

Stanley ignored 790. "I know Lexx, but try it anyway. Fire!"

"As you command, Stan." Once again the Lexx fired its weapon, the horizontal beam sailing through space towards a now solid-looking wall of Mantrid drones. As the beam traveled, it began to lose focus, becoming scattered by the gravitational influence of so many drones. On impact, a brief gap appeared as several billion Mantrid drones were destroyed; a gap quickly filled in by more Mantrid drones. "I am sorry Stanley. That is the best I can do."

"Interesting that the drones have not attempted to avoid any of Lexx's shots this time," observed Kai.

"And why should I?" a voice boomed over the intercom. "The universe is me now." A distorted version of a human face appeared on the monitor.

"Mantrid!"

"I promised I would save you for last, and I keep my promises. The game is over. I win the game."

"And in your zeal to show your superiority, you have sent much of the mass of this universe chasing after the small challenge that is us. Is that not overkill?" asked Kai.

"Overkill? It's my style. I think big, last of the Brunnen-G."

"No Mantrid, you are small. I know I am dead, but you think you are alive. Life is full of surprises. You are only a machine."

"Yeah, no better than a vacuum cleaner," chimed in Stanley.

"A sewage pump," added 790.

"No one loves you," said Xev.

"Oh boo hoo," replied Mantrid. "I am the Light universe now. I control it. I will open a new portal to the Dark universe and eat it for desert."

"The game is over, Mantrid, and you have lost," replied Kai.

"Lost? How could I possibly lose? I have remade an entire universe!"

"Stanley? Ask the Lexx how he feels," said Kai.

"You heard the man. How do you feel, Lexx?" queried Stanley.

"I feel something strange happening around me." Outside the Lexx, a bright point of light appeared at the gravitational center of the mass of surrounding Mantrid swarms. The Lexx, as the closest object to the point, began to tumble out of control towards it.

"You followed us to the center of the universe," said Kai. "This universe was born in a big bang. You have moved too much mass too quickly towards one point, and now it will now die in a big collapse. We die with the satisfaction of knowing you will die with us."

There was silence for a moment. The face of Mantrid appeared to be in thought as it analyzed data looking for a way to stop the destruction of everything. It could find no solution. "You have played well," conceded Mantrid, and with that it terminated the communications link.

"I estimate this area of the universe will collapse before the Mantrid swarms can get to us, Xev, but we're dead either way," said 790.

"Guess it's goodbye," Stanley said with quite sadness.

"Not necessarily," replied Xev, though the look on her face did not convey any hope. She looked over to Kai. "Goodbye Kai." Kai nodded silently in return.

"Well, nice knowing everybody," Stanley said, looking around at the others.

"Sentiment not returned," said 790.

The Lexx stretched and distorted, disappearing into the point of light. The Mantrid swarms began crushing into mega-masses as gravitational forces overcame the ability of individual drones to maneuver. In some areas, the density of matter reached the point where multiple black holes began to form, their gravitational distortions the disrupting the earlier symmetry achieved when the Lexx was surrounded. The point of light ceased to exist. Trillions upon trillions of Mantrid drones fell into the each of the newly formed black holes every second. With surprising speed, larger black holes began to draw in smaller ones, growing ever larger, material being supplied from ever farther away, until, for the first time in billions of years, the expansion of the universe finally, fatally, stopped. It would be years before the true, final end of the universe, but as Kai observed, its fate, and that of Mantrid, was already sealed.


	2. A New Hope

Chapter 2: A New Hope

In open space, a ripple in the fabric of time and space began to form. The event caught the attention of a spy-bot drifting in the vicinity, triggering it out of hibernation mode for the first time in years. It began to record.

In the center of the ripple, a point of light brighter than any star suddenly appeared. The light dimmed, brightened, and an object ejected from the light, initially distorted beyond recognition, but quickly reshaping itself into something resembling a wingless dragonfly. A few moments later, as suddenly as it appeared, the light vanished, leaving the dragonfly behind.

"We're still here!" exclaimed Stanley, looking all around him in astonishment.

"Xev, are you alright?" 790 asked anxiously.

"I'm alright," Xev said in a small voice.

"Lexx, are you still with us?" Stanley was worried.

"I am still here Stanley," replied the Lexx.

"What happed? Where are we?"

"We are in a big space, Stan," said the Lexx.

"We are in the Dark Zone," said 790.

Kai, who had been looking at the monitor, said, "No 790, we are not."

"What?" said Stanley, "But there's only the Light Universe and the Dark Universe. Where else can we be but the Dark Universe now that Mantrid has destroyed the Light Zone?"

"Kai has a point." This was a big concession coming from 790. "Now that I've analyzed some of the Lexx's readings, this place does not match up to either universe."

Kai continued. "The Divine Order knew about the fractal core connecting the Light and Dark Zones, but among the Ostral-B Heretics it was always speculated there should be multiple universes, not just two. If other fractal cores could be found, they might lead … elsewhere."

"And you can tell all this just by looking outside?" Stanley waved his hand at the monitor.

"You forget, Stanley, I have the memories of the Divine Predecessors within me, and they had access to restricted information. Plus, the Brunnen-G originally came from the Dark Zone long ago. I know the Dark Zone when I see it, and this isn't it. Therefore, this is a third universe."

"What now?" asked Xev. Everyone was silent for a moment, contemplating the idea of being in an unknown, unexplored universe.

The spy-bot, having recorded everything it could about the new arrival using passive sensors, aimed its communications antenna, and fired off a compressed, encrypted report. It settled back down to observe, ready to report anything new.

"I am hungry," said the Lexx, breaking the mood.

"Straight to the point, Lexx," Stanley laughed with affection, but then quickly turned serious. "We don't even know if we can survive here."

"There is a tasty looking little snack nearby. I would very much like to eat it," said the Lexx.

"Sure Lexx, go ahead." Stanley waved dismissively.

The unknown ship began to move, and with an electronic start, the spy-bot realized the ship was heading in its direction. Coincidence? Using its gyros, the spy-bot reoriented and initiated a slow drift calculated to be just enough to avoid collision. The ship corrected course, once again heading straight for the spy-bot.

"You know, we should scan for any life-bearing planets," Stanley commented, looking directly at Xev. Catching Xev's attention, he jerked his head towards 790.

The fact that the spy-bot could be detected in spite of its advanced stealth systems was a valuable piece of information, but the bug-like ship was already occluding the direction it needed to transmit. There being no point in remaining stealthy, the spy-bot cycled up to full activity mode, and rapidly vectored off. Once again the bug-ship altered course, closing the distance.

"790? Can you scan for life-bearing planets?" Xev asked sweetly.

"For you my darling, always. I want my Xev Xev to be happy, but I have to warn you it could take days to properly scan the area. If I don't find anything, then we'll need to move to a new area and scan again."

"790 should also scan for evidence of intelligent life," said Kai. "It is possible we are not alone."

The spy-bot, still determined to send a report, began evasive maneuvers at full power, attempting to get around the bug. To its shock, the bug-ship was able to keep up, and as the spy-bot squealed its frustration, it was swallowed by the Lexx.

"How about it, 790, is there anything out there? Anything nearby?" asked Xev, glancing at the bridge monitor.

"Nope," replied 790.

* * *

Imperial Listening Post 272

Kullo stretched and began to clean up his work station. His shift would be over in a few minutes, and he wanted to be ready to leave. His console beeped for attention; a priority five alert. Why does stuff always seem to happen at the end of my shift, he thought sourly. A priority five was the lowest level, and he considered leaving it for the next shift, but then thought better of it. It wasn't like he had higher priority things to work on at the moment. He sighed, and opened the information packet demanding his attention. Hmmm, a spy-bot we haven't heard from in a while, he thought. His eyes widened as he looked through the information. This sure as hell isn't priority five material, he realized. Kullo upgraded the packet to priority three – the highest he could set on his own authority – saved it, and alerted his commander, who strode over to his station.

"What have you got?" his commander asked, while looking at Kullo's monitor.

"Take a look at this, sir," replied Kullo, and displayed the images and specifications collected by the spy-bot. His commander whistled in appreciation.

"Good catch, Kullo. I'm authorizing a priority two. Have dispatch send a ship to investigate."

"Yes sir," acknowledged Kullo, who updated the packet, sent it on its way.

"I wonder what the rebels are up to…" his commander said to himself, still staring at the screen.

* * *

"Got something."

"Wha… what?" said Stanley, who had been nodding off while sitting on the pilot platform. It had been close to five hours since 790 began his scan. Kai had long ago returned to the cryochamber, and Xev had gone off to her sleeping chamber.

"Sleeping on job again, security guard?" 790 said sarcastically. "Take me to Xev. I have something to report."

"I'm the captain of the Lexx," Stanley reminded 790. "Tell me what you found."

"Not talking to you…."

"Stupid robot head," Stanley muttered as he scooped up 790, tucked it under his arm, and walked off the bridge.

* * *

Imperial patrol ship _IP2745_ dropped into normal space. At 100 meters long, it was not impressive by anyone's standards, and lightly armed as well. Smart captains of these ships knew the real deterrent was the reprisal that was guaranteed to follow if anyone was foolish enough to attack. Of course, this assumed one's opponent knew who they were and what they represented.

Captain Fredrick was used to challenging ships larger than his own, knowing he had the backing of the Empire, but this… this was an unknown monster of a ship, if "ship" was even the right word. "How big is it?" he asked.

"Hard to say sir," replied the sensor officer. "Most of our active scans are being reflected away, but this thing is easily as long as six Imperial Star Destroyers lined up end to end."

"Life signs?"

"Again, it's hard to say, sir. The whole thing registers as a life form, but there are also indications it was engineered, so there could easily be living space on board."

"With respect sir," said First Officer Peterson, "This report we received calling that thing a possible rebel ship is a load of womp droppings. No one has anything like this; not us, and certainly not the rebels."

"There's nothing like it in the Imperial registry," added the sensor officer. "I've already expanded a recognition search to all available registries, and I still get no match."

"I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the rebels as a possibility," said Captain Fredrick. "The galaxy is big place, big enough to hide special projects. This is probably someone's special project. The question is, whose, and how badly do they want to keep it a secret?"

* * *

Lexx was hungry. "Stan? Stanley? Are you there?" called Lexx. The bridge was empty. The little thing Lexx had eaten earlier was like a person eating a single peanut – it did not stop the hunger pangs. If anything, the hunger pangs were worse. Now there was a bigger something close by, bigger and tastier with protein inside. Lexx usually checked with his captain Stanley Tweedle before eating, but he was not on the bridge. Lexx was hungry.

* * *

"Sir!" called out the sensor officer, "The ship is on the move."

"Heading?"

"Straight towards us, sir."

* * *

"Hey Xev! Are you decent?" Stanley called outside Xev's sleeping chamber.

"How dare you suggest my Xev is anything but decent, you low-class loser!" exclaimed 790.

"By 'decent' you idiot robot head, I mean, is she dressed?" Stanley retorted. While Xev usually wore her cluster lizard dress, Stanley knew from past experience Xev always slept in the nude, and once naked typically stayed that way until she was ready to leave her sleeping chamber… and sometimes not even then. The showers were down the corridor past his own sleeping chamber. So were the toilets. Once in a while – just often enough to keep Stanley off-balance – Xev would make the trip down the corridor and back again with not a stitch on. Stanley was sure she did it just to antagonize him.

"I'm always decent, Stanley," Xev teased.

"Doesn't really answer the question Xev."

"And I'm not giving you an answer. Stop being immature and just come in, will you?" called Xev.

Stanley gulped, and walked into Xev's sleeping chamber, not knowing what to expect. Much to his relief, Xev was fully dressed.

"What do you want?" Xev asked, hiding a smile at Stanley's discomfiture.

"It's not what I want. Stupid robot head here won't tell me what he's found."

"You found something already?" Xev asked quickly, all thoughts of teasing Stanley forgotten.

"Yes, honeybun, I have," said 790, pleased with himself. "Several somethings, in fact. First, there are at least five life-bearing planets nearby, and more than that, there's intelligent life everywhere! Once I discovered the FTL frequencies used by the locals to communicate, it turns out there is a well-established type three civilization spanning most of this galaxy."

"Uh oh," said Stanley, a concerned look on his face.

"What do you mean, 'uh oh'?" demanded Xev, puzzled.

"Much as it pains me to say this, my delicious woman of love, I have to agree with our idiot captain. Some civilization is a good thing, but this galaxy has been settled for a very long time."

"But isn't that a good thing? An advanced civilization means Lexx can be properly fed for once. We could find a place to live. Who knows? Kai might even be brought back to life – real life – instead of existing as walking dead man." Xev had a dreamy look on her face as she thought about Kai being alive again, Kai holding her in his arms, Kai doing other things too….

"Only if the natives are friendly, my love dumpling. If they're not, there would be almost no place to hide."

"Yeah, I'm with 790," said Stanley. "If there's a chance the natives are hostile, I say we leave and go find us another galaxy. Or maybe we could even find a fractal core and travel to yet another universe. You know, one with girls who aren't too picky." Stanley smiled at the thought.

"In your dreams, security guard," said 790, voice dripping with sarcasm.

The floor vibrated slightly.

* * *

On board the patrol ship, conditions were best described as "controlled chaos." The alarm klaxon was sounding as everyone worked their stations at a fevered pitch.

"No response to our hails!" called out the communications officer.

"Fire again! Continuous barrage!" ordered Captain Fredrick.

"Firing… no detectible damage! The ship is still closing."

"Then let's get out here. Vector away and jump to hyperspace."

The patrol ship turned and suddenly accelerated off, making the jump to hyperspace. The Lexx, not yet ready to give up on a meal, turned and accelerated smoothly after the patrol ship.

"Sir, that crazy bug ship is still chasing us! It's still closing!"

"Override the safeties! Shut down all non-essential systems and divert power to the hyperdrive!"

"Sir, hyperdrive is running at 110% rated output... 118%... 123%... Sir, the hyperdrive is badly overheating. If we don't shut it down in the next 90 seconds, it will scram into slag."

"Status on the bug ship?"

"900 kilometers and closing fast."

"Damn that thing. Evasive maneuvers! And Peterson?"

"Yes Captain?"

"Launch the disaster beacon."

"Aye sir."

* * *

Stanley and Xev, who was carrying 790, ran onto the bridge. "Lexx? Is something going on?" queried Stanley, a bit out of breath.

"No Stanley. Everything is fine," said the Lexx, calm as ever.

"Really? Because a few minutes ago, I felt the floor vibrate."

"That must have been when I was feeding."

"Oh? You found something else to eat?"

"Yes Stanley. But I am still hungry."

"Don't worry, pal, you'll soon get to eat for real. 790? What about those nearby planets? Are any of them uninhabited?"

"Finding an uninhabited planet in this galaxy may be difficult, but one looks promising," said 790. "And now that I've gained access to several open information networks, I can even tell you the name."

"All right, let's go there." Stanley waved his hand through the holographic palm print. "Lexx?"

"Yes Stanley?"

"We found you an uninhabited planet where you can feed. 790 will give you the coordinates. What do the natives call it, 790?"

"The Dagobah system."


	3. Dagobah

Chapter 3: Dagobah – Day 1

Imperial Listening Post 272

Beep! Beep! Beep! _Not again_, thought Kullo, who was starting to dread the end of his shifts. This packet was a priority one requiring immediate attention. Kullo opened the packet and scanned the contents, his eyes opening wide. And something was nagging at him about it too, something familiar. He ran a crosscheck, and up popped a report from earlier in the week; a giant mystery ship.

"Sir? You really need to see this," he called out, waving frantically at his commander.

The commander was annoyed Kullo was not following strict protocol, but then, his behavior was out of character. "What is it?" he asked calmly, prepared to chew out Kullo if this proved to be trivial.

"Sir, we've just received an information burst from a disaster beacon. Specially, from patrol ship _IP2745_, the one sent to investigate that bug ship. I have it cross-referenced here," he said, pointing at the screen. "When they arrived in system, the bug ship gave chase. The last entry shows the patrol ship beginning violent maneuvers in hyperspace with the hyperdrive overloaded and on the verge of scramming. There's nothing else after that, and she's not reported in since."

The commander stood silent for a moment, muscles along his jawline flexing as he struggled to maintain composure. The idea that someone may have captured or destroyed an Imperial vessel was intolerable. He took a deep breath. "Right. Open a case file, link the two documents, make sure everything is flagged priority one and set to the highest urgency level. Contact dispatch, and make them understand this time they need to send a **real** ship to investigate. And be sure to mention I will be pushing this up the chain of command as hard as I can. This nonsense has gone on long enough."

* * *

The Lexx settled into orbit around Dagobah and began scanning the planet below.

"Well 790? What do you think?" asked Xev.

"I think you're the most wonderful person who has ever lived, or ever will live. I have composed a 175 stanza poem in your honor I would like to recite now. It begins—".

"About the planet, 790?" Xev interrupted.

"Oh that. Nothing there. We're good."

"Could you elaborate?" asked Stanley, exasperated.

"I thought about using blank verse, but decided to stick with rhyming.

I love Xev in the morning,  
I love Xev in the night,  
I love Xev every day,  
She knows I'll do her right,-"

"The planet, 790! Tell us more about the planet, bolts for brains!"

"Up yours, security guard class four! I have a poem to recite."

"790! I want to know more about the planet too," chided Xev.

"Oh all right. It's a typical oxygen-cycle life-bearing planet with a highly diverse ecosphere, but rather than distinct land masses and oceans, it appears to be one big swamp, which might explain why it hasn't been settled. There are no signs of cities, roads, agriculture, artificial lighting, electromagnetic emissions, blah, blah, blah, to indicate an established civilization. In short, it is an untamed, uninhabited wilderness. Are we done here? Now back to the poem—"

"790! Not now!" Xev interjected quickly. She had absolutely no interest in any of 790's missives.

"Every time you deny me darling, it just makes me that much hotter for you!" 790 whined, but at least it settled down after that, much to Xev's and Stanley's relief.

"Okay then," said Stanley. "Lexx? It's chow time. Eat to your heart's content."

"Thank you Stanley," said the Lexx. "This planet looks sooo good." The Lexx began its descent to Dagobah.

Xev stared at the monitor as more detail gradually came into view. In areas not covered by clouds, uniform green began to resolve into dappled areas of thick dark virgin forest and lighter clearings. Sunlight occasionally reflected off bodies of water with bright flashes as they moved overhead. Groups of tiny black dots came into view, which soon resolved into flocks of flying animals above the green canopy. "I want to explore."

"Explore? Why?" asked Stanley.

"Think about it Stanley. On every planet we've ever visited, there has always been somebody there to greet us. Established. Civilized… more or less. This is the first time we've ever visited a wild planet, and I want to see it."

"But Xev!" exclaimed Stanley, "It's a jungle out there! That means wild animals – things that might try to eat you! Things that might think a cluster lizard is a snack!"

"Swamp," corrected 790, "But the security guard is right. We don't know the dangers Xev, and I don't want my love treasure getting hurt. Stay inside the Lexx where it's safe."

"Then I'll wake up Kai and take him with me." Xev nodded, indicating as far as she was concerned, that was that.

"Then I insist you take Tweedle with you as well," said 790.

"Really?" said Stanley, surprised and a bit suspicious. "You think I can help protect Xev?"

"Of course. If you're with Xev, she only needs to outrun **you**."

"Hey!" Stanley glared at 790.

"Don't worry Stanley. I won't leave you behind," interjected Xev with a smile.

"Okay Xev, if you want me to come along, I'll come. But 790 stays on the bridge. After all, if someone shows up around here, like a ship for example, 790 can warn us. Right?" Stanley said, looking pointedly at Xev.

"Yes 790, it would make me feel safer to know you are here keeping an eye on things," Xev said while looking back at Stanley, a twinkle in her eye.

"I'll do it for you, my scrumptious."

"Good," said Xev. "Then it's settled. Come on Stanley, let's go wake up Kai." She motioned Stanley to follow her, and together they walked off to the cryochamber.

* * *

Dishes began to rattle. A spoon clattered its way off the edge of the table and hit the floor. Yoda felt the vibrations in his bed before the sonic boom woke him up in the predawn hours. A ship was deorbiting, he realized, passing overhead in an easterly direction. In spite of Dagobah's isolation, every few decades someone uninvited would show up – usually biologists – interested in surveying plant life for possible pharmacological use. As long as they stayed well away, Yoda was not too concerned. During his self-imposed exile, this was only the second unscheduled ship to make its presence known, and from the sound of it, likely to land somewhere far away. Yoda rolled over and went back to sleep.

* * *

As the Lexx made its final approach, it scanned the immediate area to pick a feeding direction. Once landed, Lexx tended to move in a straight line because it was difficult to maneuver without taking off again. After evaluating thickness of vegetation and surveying for possible obstacles along the way, the Lexx turned and settled down facing west. Lexx was not a fussy eater. Everything in his path was fair game – animals not quick or quick-witted enough to flee, vegetation from moss to trees the size of redwoods, ponds were vacuumed up along with any aquatic life, rocks, and even the top layer of loam went into his giant maw, leaving a flattened landscape behind, with an occasional root sticking up here and there out of the churned ground.

From the back of Lexx's "head," an ornithopter bearing a strong resemblance to a giant moth flew out of an organic airlock, its wings beating rapidly as it climbed into the open sky and began to circle the Lexx and its growing path of destruction.

"Isn't it exciting?" exclaimed Xev, eyes wide with wonder, looking out the bulbous cockpit windows that doubled as doors to the moth interior.

"The dead do not get excited," replied Kai, sitting quietly in the back of the moth.

"Well there's not much to see around here," grumbled Stanley as he guided the moth. "It's not like there are tourist attractions, landmarks or people to visit. Just the Lexx and a lot of swampy stuff."

"Don't be such a buzz kill," said Xev, undeterred. "Let's scout ahead in the direction Lexx is traveling. See what there is to see before it gets eaten."

"Yeah, like even more swamp," muttered Stanley. But he did as Xev asked, and turning, the moth zoomed off to the west.

* * *

The younglings were dead – all of them – sightless eyes staring, a mixture of shock and hurt at the betrayal of trust on their faces. Room after room of dead younglings, each room with more bodies than the last, bodies stacked on bodies piled higher and higher. All accused Yoda of having failed to protect them when his aid was needed most.

Yoda woke up with a start, perspiring slightly. He had not thought of the Jedi Purge on Coruscant in years; indeed, he had tried to put it out of his mind. The nightmare was a horrible exaggeration of reality. What could have triggered a disturbing dream of so much death? And then Yoda realized what he was feeling; a low-level but continuous disturbance in the Force.

Taking a deep breath, Yoda relaxed and reached out with his mind. What he found shocked him. He had the impression of an impossibly large predator several times bigger than a space slug, feeding on anything and everything within reach. As he thought about it more, he realized that its behavior was closer to that of a grazing animal, but still, there was something disturbing about it that was very definitely predator too. It was a long ways off, but heading in his direction. If it continued at its current rate of travel without stopping or turning, Yoda guessed it might reach his home in a week, more or less. Something had to be done. For the first time in many years, Yoda reached under his bed, pulled out a small wooden box, and opened it. His light saber gleamed in the light.

After a quick breakfast, Yoda went out into the marsh. While living on Dagobah, Yoda lived as low-tech a life as possible, but sometimes a little technology was called for. About 100 meters behind his house, well hidden in a thick clump of trees and covered in branches, was a small speeder bike. Yoda sighed. Back in the days when he lived on Coruscant, he had a custom built Jedi speeder bike that was a joy to ride. But like all other material possessions, it had to be abandoned during the Purge.

This one looked like a miniature 74-Z used by Imperial forces. It was, in fact, a child's speeder, hot pink in color ("guaranteed will not fade") with tassels on the handlebars and an after-market fake ion generator bolted on the back to give it a swoop look. Emblazoned on the sides was, "My Little Speeder: The Pink Ranger". This speeder had once belonged to young Princess Leia until she out-grew it, and it was given to him by Bail Organa. Other than Organa, absolutely no one knew Yoda owned the thing, and he planned to keep it that way.

Yoda pushed the power switch, and as always, the bike shouted, "Troopers to the rescue, HURRAH!" which sent a few startled birds flying away squawking. Yoda took off heading east, deftly weaving in and out among the trees at a speed only a Jedi master could maintain.

* * *

Within a few light-minutes of the last known position of Patrol Ship _IP2745_, the Imperial-class star destroyer _Apacaphion_ dropped out of hyperspace, weapons ready, scanning the immediate area.

"Clear," called a sensor officer as he reviewed his monitor.

"Very well, secure from condition one," ordered Captain Waed. "Begin a search of the area." He turned to look out the bridge windows, hands clasped behind his back.

"Secure from condition one aye," called out a Lieutenant. The keyed-up crew settled down to routine duties. For many, this would be a waiting game as sensor officers ran sweeps and analyzed data.

Captain Waed nodded as his first officer Galicia stepped up beside him. "This is damned peculiar," he commented.

"Yes sir," responded Galicia. "It gets even stranger when you dig into the details of the attached report. A gigantic bug ship – assuming it actually is a ship and not a previously undiscovered new life form, however unlikely. What I find interesting is there is nothing in the report to indicate the bug ever fired on _IP2745_. It simply chased the ship down."

"To what purpose?" questioned Waed.

"To drive the patrol ship out of its territory perhaps," Galicia speculated. "Or perhaps to eat it." He smiled to indicate that last comment was not to be taken seriously.

Captain Waed shuttered at the thought. "And if it does turn out to be a new life form?"

"Then we give it indigestion sir." Galicia dead panned. "We can't have something like that wandering into heavily populated areas."

"Agreed." Waed turn to the crew pit. "Anything?" he called out.

"Yes sir," replied the senior sensor officer. "We found the disaster beacon readily enough, and it's being tractored in as we speak. What we have not found is any sign of debris or anything from the black box transponder, and we should be well within range." He paused for a second as another officer passed a note to him. "Interesting. There's an ion trail, rather faint, but it leads from approximately our position towards the rim. That's the best lead we have on where the attacking ship many have headed."

"What's out that way?" asked the captain.

"I'll have that answer in a minute or two, sir. The technicians are extrapolating the course now." The senior sensor officer turned to one of the technicians who was waving excitedly.

"I think that ion trail kills my idea of the bug being a life form," said Galicia. "But let's suppose that listening post spook is right, and this bug is some new rebel project. Surely they would not be so careless as to leave a trail pointing straight towards their destination? If it were me, I would order the ship in a random direction, and then change course after jumping to hyperspace."

"Yes. The rebels may be scum, but they aren't stupid," agreed captain Waed.

"Excuse me sirs," called the senior sensor officer. "There are four candidate systems along the extrapolated course, but one in particular is a standout, at least in the opinion of the technicians. I'll let them explain." He waved his hand at one of the technicians in the pit, who stood up nervously at his post.

"Yes sir. This system, called Dagobah, has a new time stamp, but other attributes in the profile show the planet has been known for centuries. This has all the earmarks of a scrubbed system. That is to say, someone made a determined effort to eliminate all official record of its existence."

"Who could do such a thing?" asked the captain, outraged at the idea.

"Almost anyone with the right clearance sir. That would include various government agencies, some members of the academic community; even the old Jedi Council would have had that kind of access."

"Now hang on," said Galicia. "If the information was 'scrubbed,' then why is it showing up now?"

"Well sir, the fact is it's practically impossible to truly get rid of anything. Besides the official Imperial records, there are tie-ins to hundreds of independently maintained repositories all over the galaxy, and information is exchanged on a regular basis. Eliminate records in one area, and eventually the gap is discovered and back-filled from one of the other repositories. Whoever did this was smart. They didn't just delete Imperial records; they deleted records in at least a dozen of the most heavily used independent repositories as well. I would estimate this system has been off-record for at least 20 years, maybe longer."

"Ah ha!" said the captain nodding at the implications. "This Dagobah is starting to sound like a rebel hideout."

"Yes," said Galicia, with excitement, looking at his captain. "And if the rebels think their destination is not on record, they might not bother with evasive tactics." He smiled. "Shall we pay them a visit?"

"Indeed, Mr. Galicia," said captain Waed, smiling back. "Set course for Dagobah. It's time we went bug hunting."


	4. A Change of Plans

Chapter 4 – A Change of Plans

Yoda had been traveling east for about an hour when he felt a new presence high above the trees. He came to a stop to look and listen more carefully. There it was – the sound of large wings flapping, although the flapping had an oddly mechanical note to it. Through the trees, Yoda could make out a large animal – it was about the size of a family shuttle – flying west towards his home. Yoda turned his speeder around and began to follow, although this was difficult because the animal was flying above the trees, whereas he had to dodge them. Even with his skills, Yoda was falling behind, but fortunately animal slowed as it approached a clearing next to a large pond to the north.

He approached the clearing from the south, out of sight, and stopped at the edge. Now that he had a better look, the animal looked like a large insect – some type of moth. The moth made an odd chirping sound as it circled the clearing, before finally landing near the water's edge. The "eyes" of the moth opened, and Yoda had his next surprise when three people exited. Yoda had been aware of two people; the first an ordinary human male dressed in a faded red jumpsuit, and the second a human-looking female with a bit of something else about her. But the third person – a human-looking male dressed in black – was an enigma. There was no sense of the Force about the man in black at all. He was a gap in the Force; it surrounded him, but did not fill him.

As an experiment, Yoda waved his hand with a Force distraction. The results were inconsistent, to say the least. The man in red reacted predictably. Turning to look into the woods, Yoda could hear him say, "Did you hear that?" The man in black replied in a low voice, but it was clear there was no influence on him at all. The woman's reaction, however, was more surprising. She initially turned to look into the woods, same as the man in red, then gave her head a shake, and with a puzzled expression turned to look in Yoda's direction. Strong the Force is with that one, Yoda thought. He was well hidden and remained undetected.

"You're just being jumpy, Stanley," Yoda heard the woman say as she turned back towards her companions. Clearly, Yoda would need to rely on his wits rather than the Force when dealing with these visitors. They did not appear to be armed, though he was well aware how easily weapons could be hidden. It was time, he thought, to make introductions. He waited until all three were looking off in another direction before stepping out into the clearing.

"Ow!" exclaimed Stanley as he swatted his face. "Why is it you have more exposed skin," he said, pointing to Xev's bare legs, "And yet all these flying bitey things are coming after me?"

"They like you and want to be your friend," teased Xev. She had taken off her boots and was standing in a few centimeters of water, enjoying the feel of the mud squishing between her toes. "Why don't you take off your boots and join me?"

"I nearly lost my boots in the muck after jumping out of the moth," Stanley complained, swatting at yet another biting fly. This time he connected, and left a bloody smear on his face. "I don't want to give something an opportunity to bite my feet."

"Well next time don't land so close to water," replied Xev, looking around at unspoiled nature. "I'm going for a swim," Xev declared impulsively.

"Don't have a swimsuit," Stanley replied primly, arms folded.

Xev looked at Stanley, surprised at the comment. "Really? A swimsuit? Do you have a swimsuit hidden somewhere? No? Neither do I. Does Kai? Of course not. We're the only ones here Stanley; there's no need for swimsuits." Xev reached behind her back to remove her dress.

"Okay, let me rephrase that. We don't know what's in that water. Something could bite or sting you."

"Swim here you should not," a voice called out behind them.

Kai responded instantly, whipping around and aiming his brace at the intruder. "Stand still," he ordered.

Yoda was not very impressed with Kai's weapon, but he played along, raising his hands defensively. "Please do not hurt!" he cried out, while keeping a sharp eye on Kai. Yoda noted Kai had not relaxed his stance at all. Well trained you are, he thought, though in the ways of the Force clearly not.

"Oh!" said Xev, clapping her hands together with delight, her swim momentarily forgotten. She leaned forward for a closer look. "Isn't it cute?"

"Cute? A pet I am not." Yoda drew himself up with as much dignity as possible, which simply made him that much more endearing in Xev's eyes.

"Oh Kai, why don't you relax?" said Xev, clearly taken with the small but dignified creature that stood so boldly before them. What amazing eyes, she thought.

"I would not be so quick to dismiss this… being… as harmless," replied Kai. "I my experience, danger can come in all sizes."

"Ah," said Yoda, "Wise words. Listen to him, I would." Yoda smiled. "Perhaps I bite, yes?" Xev laughed at that. Stanley simply looked nervous.

"Perhaps," Kai replied coolly. "But not today, I think." He relaxed his stance.

"Yoda I am called," he proclaimed to the trio standing before him. "Who might you be?"

"Is Yoda your species, your name or what?" asked Stanley, a little confused.

"My name it is."

"Well I'm Stanley H. Tweedle, Captain of the Lexx," declared Stanley with pride.

"I am Kai, last of the Brunnen-G," Kai stated simply.

Xev stepped forward and gave a little bow. "I'm Xev," she said, smiling. Yoda bowed back in acknowledgement. Xev resisted an urge to pick up Yoda and give him a hug.

"And you are here why?" asked Yoda.

"I want to go swimming!" declared Xev, looking back at the water.

"Bad for swimming, that pond is. But I mean, on this planet, you are here why?" Yoda persisted.

"Oh, you mean Dagobah? Well that's easy," said Stanley. "We were looking for an uninhabited planet where the Lexx could feed. Dagobah seemed to be a good choice. Sorry, but we didn't expect to run into an intelligent species. We didn't detect any of the usual signs of civilization from orbit."

"A human attitude, that is," admonished Yoda. "Not all intelligent species build as you might. Different paths, some species follow."

"You seem to be very knowledgeable for someone living in isolation on a wild planet," observed Kai.

"Not my native planet, this is," replied Yoda. "I chose here to live in… retirement."

"Great retirement community," muttered Stanley, swatting at another biting fly. "On the other hand Xev, in spite of these flies, I do feel a bit better about this planet now."

"Really?" asked Xev, encouraged by Stanley finally showing a little more positive attitude.

"Well yeah," replied Stanley. "I mean, if this little guy chooses to retire here and hasn't been eaten yet, how bad can it be?" With a loud roar and splash, a large – monster was all Stanley could think – lunged out of the pond, snapped its huge jaws onto the moth, and began to drag it back into the water. "The moth!" Stanley yelled. "Kai! Stop it!"

Kai fired his brace at the creature, but between its thick hide and shallow angle of attack, the brace glanced off leaving a long deep gash behind that only served to make the creature angry. It shook its head, teeth tearing deeper into the moth. Before Kai could reposition to try again, Yoda made a single astonishing arching leap of several meters, pulling out and activating his light saber in one smooth motion. As Yoda landed on top of the creature, his light saber plunged straight into the brain pan, killing it instantly.

Yoda stood up, deactivated his light saber, put it away, and leaped down from the creature's head. "Bad for swimming, that pond is," he repeated as he walked back to the trio.

"Yeah, I get that," said Stanley, stunned. Xev sat down hard and drew in on herself, hugging her legs, chin resting on her knees, trembling with shock.

"An interesting weapon," commented Kai, nodding. Clearly there was a lot more to this Yoda than first appeared. The way he so easily killed that large creature….

Yoda nodded back. "As is yours."

With a glance around the clearing and pond, Kai walked over to examine the creature and damage to the moth. Yoda walked up to Xev and gave her a pat on the shoulder. "It's all right. Safe you are." His eyes widened. "Show you a good place to swim, I will!"

Xev looked at Yoda and through her tears gave him a smile of appreciation. "Thank you."

"Safe to live, Dagobah is. Just be careful, one must be."

* * *

First Officer Galicia pressed the chime at the in-port cabin. "Enter" came the muffled response. He opened the door and stepped inside. "You wanted to see me sir?" Captain Waed was seated behind his desk.

"Yes Mr. Galicia. Do sit down," Waed said. He tossed a document on his desk, and motioned for Galicia to pick it up. "New orders," he stated simply.

As Galicia picked up the paper, he could feel a shift in _Apacaphion_ as she turned to a new heading. He quickly scanned document, puzzlement turning into indignation. "This is ridiculous!" he fumed. "We've only just now started a search and rescue operation! Or in the very least, a hunt for whoever may have captured or destroyed _IP2745_. And suddenly we're assigned to Alderaan for picket duty?" He looked back at the document. "I don't see an end date on these orders."

"You noticed that," replied Waed. "I'm afraid we're stuck for the duration. These orders come direct from Grand Moff Tarkin himself. It's not the sort of thing we can buck. We are to rendezvous with _Minyada _and _Dotrina_ in the Alderaan system for picket duty. Officially it's a morale booster. Demonstrate to the people of Alderaan the Empire cares; a show of force to keep Alderaan safe from marauding pirates."

"What pirates?"

"Us pirates," Waed deadpanned. "As I said, that's the official reason."

"And unofficially?" asked Galicia.

"It's an obvious intimidation tactic. Alderaan has been associated with rebel activity. I also think this could be a prelude to a blockade. Once we are in position, all the Grand Moff needs to do is say the word."

Galicia whistled. "Won't the Senate object?" he wondered.

"The Alderaan representatives will object of course, and call in every favor they have. But they've lost a lot of support due to the rebel issue, and I can tell you now they won't have the votes to pass so much as a non-binding resolution."

"I suppose that makes sense, sir. I don't keep up with politics. But what about our current mission? Will someone be taking up the slack?"

"In a word, no. The Empire seems to care less and less about ship losses these days. But I still care, and I have something unofficial in mind." Captain Waed leaned forward and gave Galicia a predatory grin. "When it comes to those in service to the Empire, the GVA has a stake."

"The Galactic Veterans Association? I thought that was a bunch of old guys telling war stories about what they did during the Clone Wars."

"Oh it's more than that. On occasion they have been known to put up funds for bounty hunters."

"Bounty hunters?" Galicia said with distaste. "I thought bounty hunters went after the easy snatch and grab jobs. Not something like this."

"I know, but it's the best I've got. I've been in contact with an associate in the GVA, and I may have 'accidently' let slip our current mission. They've agreed to pick up the slack. You're right of course; most bounty hunters will steer clear of this. But there are a few mercenary types who specialize in bigger jobs. Eventually, someone will pick up the contract. Ship losses are still public record if you know where to look, and the GVA know where to look. If there's ever any question, they will simply point to the record. Nothing will tie back to us."

Galicia was silent for a minute. "Sir, after you retire, have you thought about a career in the Imperial Senate?"

Waed smiled. "You might think that Mr. Galicia. I couldn't possibly say."


	5. Empowerment

Chapter 5: Empowerment

Stanley and Xev stayed well back, Yoda by Xev's side, and watched as Kai finished inspecting the moth. Kai jumped down and returned to where they were waiting. "The moth is too damaged to fly," he reported. "But the comm system still works; you can use it to talk to 790. I will walk back to the Lexx and retrieve another moth."

"No way. I'm not going anywhere near that moth while it's sitting partway in the water," said Stanley. Xev nodded her head in silent agreement. "For all we know, there could be something else in that pond. Am I right Yoda?"

"They do in pairs usually come, yes," agreed Yoda. "For breeding."

"See? Is there any way we can move the moth into the middle of the clearing? Maybe tie a rope or something to it, and pull it out?"

"First, we have no rope," replied Kai. "And second, it's too heavy to drag out of the mud."

"Fear not," said Yoda. "Move it for you I will." Yoda looked around at the others.

"Oh right, because you're bigger and stronger than the rest of us," snorted Stanley.

"Bigger? Clearly not. Stronger? Physically not. But in the ways of the Force? A master I am," replied an undeterred Yoda.

"The Force? Never heard of it," responded Stanley.

"No?" asked Yoda, surprised. Stanley simply shook his head. "A long way away you must come."

"We are from the Light universe," replied Kai. "We had thought we would die there. Instead, we ended up here, in this universe; a universe previously unknown to even His Divine Shadow."

"This Shadow I know not," declared Yoda. "Later we talk. Move the moth I will." Yoda closed his eyes and raised a hand, reaching out with the Force. He could feel the outline of the livings things around him, except Kai who showed up as an empty space in the Force. He located the moth and built up an image. He imagined the moth as being no larger than a small toy and lifted carefully. Peripherally he could hear the sound of gasps from both Xev and Stanley, which he ignored to maintain focus. Yoda turned as he slowly guided the moth along before gently setting it down. He opened his eyes, and was rewarded with the sight of the moth now standing in the center of the clearing, water dripping from the legs, bite and tear marks clearly showing.

Kai simply observed what happened with narrowed eyes.

"That's amazing!" whispered Xev, eyes wide with wonder, hardly daring to breathe. Could anyone do that, she wondered.

"Oh come on! You must have hidden some lifters on it ahead of time," Stanley exclaimed, and stomped over to the moth to examine it.

"Learn, he cannot," Yoda said to Xev. "But you – strong with the Force you are. In the Academy, you should have been. Learn the ways of the Force, you would. A Jedi, you could have been. Too old now to teach. Very sad."

"Okay…" replied Xev, not sure what Yoda was talking about. Is he saying I could be trained to do what he just did? And what did he mean, too old? "I'm not that old," she said. Further thoughts were interrupted by Kai.

"I will return to the Lexx now," said Kai. "Will they be safe here?" he asked Yoda.

"Yes. Away from the big pond they must stay, and safe they will be. Another, smaller pond that way…" Yoda pointed southwest "…is safe for both drinking and swimming. Stay with them I will, until your return."

"Good," said Kai. "It will be one or two days before I am able to return, depending on the terrain. Take care, Xev."

"See you soon," she replied. She watched as Kai walked east until he disappeared into the trees.

"Well I can't see anything," said Stanley as he returned from the moth. "Where's Kai?"

"He's walking back to the Lexx. He should be back with another moth in a day or two."

"A day or two? Well that's just great." Stanley swatted at another biting fly. The humid air and heat from the sun was starting to get to him. "Is it always this damp around here?"

"Oh no," replied Yoda. "The dry season this is. In the wet season, fog everywhere and almost no break from rain."

"It just gets better and better," Stanley muttered under his breath. After the earlier attack on the moth, Xev had not really been planning to swim anytime soon. But Stanley was getting on her nerves, and a swim – or at least the threat of one – seemed like a good way to keep him at bay.

"Can you show me the good pond?" she asked abruptly.

"Of course," replied Yoda, who turned and began to walk towards the southwest, Xev beside him. Stanley folded his arms in disapproval and stood watching, muttering under his breath, until Xev and Yoda vanished among the trees. Then Stanley suddenly realized he was quiet alone on a strange planet with monster big enough to eat him living in a nearby Big Bad Pond, as he now thought of it.

"Hey! Wait for me!" Stanley called, and went running after Xev and Yoda.

Even in dry season, Dagobah was a wet place and they didn't have to go far; no more than 100 meters before coming to another pond. Yoda reached out with the Force just to be sure. Good, he thought, safe it is still.

"A good pond this is," Yoda declared with a wave of his hand. Tall grass grew in a sunny area close to the edge. Xev walked over to a tree with a convenient horizontal branch. Her boots were back in the clearing beside the moth; she had not felt the need to put them back on. The grass was soft and warm under her feet.

"You sure about this Xev?" Stanley asked somewhat nervously. By way of answer, Xev quickly removed her clothes, carefully folded her dress and hung it on the branch before turning to face Stanley with a cocked head and arched eyebrow.

Stanley took a step backwards. "Okay, well, if you need me, I'll be in the moth," he said, voice pitched slightly higher than normal while pointing behind him with his thumb. He jerkily turned around and walked away with as much dignity as the undergrowth would allow. As he disappeared, Xev could hear a slap followed by an "Ow!" as Stanley swatted at yet another biting fly.

"In this place, safe you will be," Yoda reassured her.

"Would you mind looking after Stanley? I think I'd like to be alone for a little while," Xev said softly. Yoda simply gave a bow, and walked off. Xev stepped forward until she stood in the sunny grassy patch, stretched out her arms, threw back her head and closed her eyes. Listening, she could hear life all around her; small animals calling out greetings, territorial challenges, mating calls. The sunlight was warm on her body, and a light breeze she had not noticed before caressed her skin. This is so, so much better than being cooped up on a spaceship, she thought. She opened her eyes and looked at the pond, started to step forward, and hesitated. The image of the moth being attacked came rushing back. She abruptly sat in the grass, lay down and curled up in a fetal position. At least the grass was warm and soft, and the sunlight felt good on her skin. I'll try again in a few minutes, she thought to herself. Exhausted from the shocks of the day, Xev soon fell fast asleep.

* * *

Xev woke up with a start. Hours had gone by. It was now late afternoon; the sun would be setting soon. She stretched and sat up in the grass, looking around sleepily; a piece of dry grass sticking out of her disarrayed hair, and a few other pieces sticking to her back, buttocks and legs. Wow, I really needed that nap, she thought. She stood up and looked at the pond. It would be getting dark soon. If she didn't go swimming now, it would have to wait until tomorrow. If she waited until tomorrow, Xev wasn't sure if she would ever have the courage to go swimming. Steeling up her nerve, Xev let out a yell that was part human, part cluster lizard, charged the water at full speed and dove in.

The shock of the water woke her up fully, and it felt wonderful. Perhaps it was the cluster lizard in her, or perhaps it something about this place, but she simply couldn't say when she ever felt this alive. She swam around the pond, alternating between resting as quietly as possible on her back as if weightless in space, to flipping over and diving down to swim along the bottom until her lungs felt ready to burst, then push off from the bottom to surface as fast as she could, pretending she was a fish attempting to leap out of the water. She swam round and round as fast as she could, until, with a final burst of energy, she shot up onto the bank and flopped over onto her back, out of breath looking at the tree canopy above her. Somehow this gave her the giggles, and she laid helpless, breathing deep and laughing, finally shedding tensions she hadn't realized were eating at her, from the Mantrid drones back in the Light universe, to the moth-eating monster in the other pond.

It was funny, she reflected, as she lay on the bank recovering. Here she had been, afraid of the water. Now it seemed swimming was all she wanted to do. She didn't want to get up, get dressed; any of that. Just lie here by this pond living in the moment. But it was getting dark, Stanley would be worried, and she knew Stanley wouldn't stop bugging Yoda about her absence. With great reluctance, Xev got up and walked carefully back into the water, this time to rinse off sand and mud. That done, she stood quietly for a few more minutes listening to the sounds around her. Finally, she waded slowly out and walked over to the tree branch. Where were her clothes? Nothing on the ground; they were simply gone. Her eyes narrowed with suspicion. No doubt Stanley was behind the disappearance. Xev laughed out loud. "Oh Stanley, Stanley, Stanley," she said to herself, shaking her head. "If you think you've got me – think again. This is going to be fun!" With a laugh and a light heart, she headed back, humming a little tune.

As she approached the moth clearing, Xev could see Stanley and Yoda had a fire going, with fish skewered on a stick over the flames. The aroma of cooking fish hit Xev hard; she had not realized how hungry she was until now. Plans to torment Stanley momentarily forgotten, she made a beeline for the fire and sat down, legs crossed. "That smells so good. Are the fish ready yet?"

"Oh hi Xev," said Stanley, suspiciously casual. "This is actually a second round. Here's some cooked ones." He handed over a stick with two fish. Xev touched the first fish, decided it was cool enough to hold in her hands, pulled it off the stick and began to eat, carefully pulling meat off the delicate bones with her teeth. After months of eating the blue-green glop Lexx provided as "food," this fish, Xev decided, was the most wonderful thing she had ever eaten; a perfect end to a perfect afternoon swim.

Xev quickly finished the first fish, and started in on the second. "Where did this come from?" Xev asked between bites, holding up the fish.

Stanley pointed into the dark. "The Big Bad pond," he said.

Xev couldn't believe her ears. "You fished the Big Bad pond?"

"No, Yoda fished the Big Bad pond." Stanley waved his hand to Yoda in acknowledgement. "He's got a real knack for it, plus he says he can tell when Bride of the Big Bad Monster is nearby."

Xev perked up and looked over at Yoda. "You can tell when Bride of… when the creature in the pond is near? Is that a Force thing?"

"It is, yes," replied Yoda. He waved his arm in an arc to take in the night sky. "Energy field is the Force, created by all living things. Surrounds us, it does; penetrates us. Bound by the Force is the galaxy. Gives a Jedi his power, the Force does."

"What's a Jedi?" Xev asked, fascinated. She finished eating the second fish and tossed the bones onto the fire. A small rush of sparks swirled up past the cooking fish.

"A student of the Jedi Order, a Jedi is… or was. Fought for peace and justice, the Jedi Order did. Any species, a Jedi could be, if strong in the Force they were. Studied, served, and used the Force for good, a Jedi did. All gone now, the Jedi are. Betrayed the Jedi were, by the Emperor when he seized power. Terrible purge it was. All Jedi killed; even the younglings. All but a very few remain, who into exile went."

"An Emperor seizing power? Betrayals and purges?" Stanley said quietly. "You know, your Emperor is starting to sound a whole lot like our Divine Shadow, who gained control over the League of Twenty Thousand Planets over two thousand years ago. For a long time, only the Ostral-B Heretics fought against His Shadow. I was once Ostral-B myself, until I was captured."

"Oh? Rebels you were?" said Yoda, who nodded his understanding. He poked at the fire with a stick, then pointed to the fish and turned his stick in a circle while looking at Stanley. Stanley got the message. He reached out, grasped the skewer and carefully turned the cooking fish over.

"The Lexx," Stanley continued, "Was grown on the Cluster, capital of the League of Twenty Thousand Planets, and the power base for His Shadow. The Lexx was the most powerful weapon of mass destruction ever created in our universe, capable of destroying entire planets in a single blast. His Shadow planned to use it to wipe out all remaining resistance. However, with help from Ostral-B Heretics we managed to steal the Lexx, and eventually helped Kai fulfill his prophecy, which was the last of the Brunnen-G would defeat His Shadow."

Yoda frowned, while idly using his stick to push a stray glowing piece of charcoal that had fallen back into the fire. "Long the Emperor has desired such a weapon," he said darkly. "Old, my information is, but under construction has been such a weapon."

Xev and Stanley looked at each other, surprised. Another Lexx? Then Xev realized she had another need. "Excuse me," she said as she stood up, checked to make sure Stanley was watching, and brushed off her bottom with more vigor than necessary. "Back in a minute," she said cheerily. With that, she walked off towards the edge of the clearing with exaggerated hip motion.

Stanley watched her go, heart thumping noticeably, guiltily admiring the view. She really did have an amazing body. He had expected Xev to return from her swim angry, cowering, trying to cover up, demanding her clothes back. Now that would have been fun. Then he realized; that's how he would be. Instead, as far as he could see, she had come back perfectly happy to be naked, not in the least concerned – even showing off. He found it all very intimidating.

Stanley shook his head and turned back to Yoda. "So your Emperor is building a planet killer too?"

"My Emperor, he is not," replied Yoda. "But close to ready, it must be by now. A year or two more perhaps." Yoda poked at the fire with his stick.

Xev returned, deliberately passing directly in front of Stanley with just centimeters to spare before sitting once again at the same spot. "Are those fish ready?"

It took Stanley a moment to recover. "What? Oh, right. Let me check." He gave the fish a closer look, and took them off the fire. "They're done. Just need to cool off." Stanley steadied his nerves and handed the stick off to Xev, who began to blow and nibble at the first fish while it was still on the stick. "Oh!" Xev said with an exaggerated jiggle. "That's hot!"

"Your Lexx," Yoda said quietly. "Fall into the Emperor's hands it must not. What might he do with two planet destroyers?" Xev and Stanley looked at each other, horrified at the idea.

"Well we won't let that happen," declared Stanley. "We can always go somewhere else, at least after the Lexx finishes feeding. That's the problem with a living ship; it has to eat. Which reminds me – it's eating in this direction. I need to turn the Lexx so it won't come here." Yoda widened his eyes. "Oh don't worry; Kai will be back with another moth days before the Lexx gets here. Then he can take us back to the Lexx and I can order it to turn."

"Something big that way, I knew," said Yoda, pointing east with his stick. "But what it was, I did not. Must eat, all living things do; this I understand. But do the Lexx turn as soon as possible."

Xev, finally sated, pulled the eaten fish carcass off the stick and tossed it into the fire. She offered the remaining fish to Yoda, who turned it down. She offered it to Stanley. "Yeah, I could eat another one," he said, holding out his hand, but with eyes down, not looking at Xev.

Ah, there it is, thought Xev, it won't be long now. The joy of making Stanley a nervous wreck, along with the good meal, simply added to a feeling of euphoria she'd been experiencing since her swim. The feeling was so strong…. If Stanley offered up her clothes right now… she imagined outright refusing to wear them. "I don't need these," she would say, and toss them aside. Or better still, toss them on the fire and watch Stanley's face as the ashes rose in the night sky. He would so totally loose it after that… and it would serve him right, she thought with mirth.

Xev placed the stick in Stanley's hand, bumping it in his palm so he would know it was there. He took the stick and began to focus hard on the fish. "You know Stanley," she said, "We can go somewhere else, but really, that's just running away. The Ostral-B Heretics were up against overwhelming odds, and they ultimately…" She trailed off, "Hello! Stanley! Over here!" making Stanley focus on her. "I said the Ostral-B Heretics lost. But here we can make a difference. We have the Lexx. Why don't we join the rebels? Even things up?"

"Oh no, I don't think we should get involved in local politics," Stanley said, glad to have something to think about.

"Terrible it would be," Yoda added, "If both sides freely used planet destroyers. So much hate. So much suffering. Leads to more hate and suffering it does. No end to destruction. Death in the trillions, it would be."

"Well, there's got to be some way we can help," said Xev. "Maybe we should sleep on it."

Xev stretched, shook herself, and laid herself down on her side, one arm tucked under her head, facing the fire, as comfortable as a cat. She idly scratched her bottom where a small twig had left an impression. Seeing she had Stanley's attention, she began to rub her bottom in a slow circular motion. Stanley stared, heart pounding, fish momentarily forgotten. She looked like a goddess in the firelight. Stanley closed his eyes with effort. "So Xev, anything you, ah, need?" he asked, voice slightly cracking.

"No, I'm good. Thanks for asking," she replied, luxuriating in the warmth of the fire, surprised at how sleepy she felt.

"No really, Xev. Anything at all?" Stanley persisted. Xev's only response was to close her eyes and wriggle into a better position. "Terrific," Stanley muttered to himself. Xev must have overheard, because he noticed a little smile on her face.

Okay, that was it. Stanley jumped up and stormed off to the moth, fuming. As he stood there, he felt a sharp pain on his arm. Stanley slapped, and saw a biting fly fall to the ground, stunned, wings twitching. He jumped up and down on the fly several times, grinding it into the dirt. "It's not fair," he complained to the world at large. "I swear, this place likes her!" He turned and looked back at the fire a little distance away. "Why am I letting her drive me away," he muttered. "I should stand up to her. It's my fire too! I built it!" Well actually, Yoda started the fire. "I collected the firewood!" he said out loud. He stood there for a few more minutes breathing deep until he calmed down. "All right Xev," he said quietly, "You've made your point – you win." He opened the moth, pulled out Xev's clothes and carried them back to the camp.

Stanley was about to speak, then realized Xev had fallen asleep. Yoda had taken his cue from Xev, and was curled up asleep as well. Stanley stood there debating. He had a sudden angry impulse to toss Xev's clothes onto the fire and watch them burn. "It would server her right," he whispered to himself. He looked down at Xev. He couldn't help but smile, and suddenly the frustrated sexual tension he had been feeling was under control. He could look at her now without feeling conflicted. How does she do it? How can she be so self-assured? And how does she manage to look so cute – as innocent as a newborn baby when she's asleep? He shook his head, smiling.

Sure he and Xev had their disagreements and their frustrations with each other, but they had become pretty good friends lately, and he would never want to spoil that. He leaned over and quietly set her clothes down in front of her to ensure she would see them when she woke up. He straightened up the stack and brushed out a couple of wrinkles. Satisfied, he stood up and silently wished Xev a good night. There was no way the flies would let him sleep in the open, so Stanley quietly retreated to the safety of the moth for the night.

Putting Xev's clothes in front of her meant putting them between herself and the fire. About an hour after Stanley went to bed, the fire popped as a branch collapsed, shifting bright red coals towards the clothes. About thirty minutes after that, a tiny curl of smoke rose up. This was soon followed by another curl of smoke, and then another.


	6. Vulnerability

Chapter 6: Vulnerability

The early morning sun was shining through the trees. Birds (their equivalent really) were chirping.

BANG! BANG! BANG! Stanley woke with a start, heart thumping hard in his chest. It was Xev banging on the moth canopy, and she looked seriously pissed, with tears in her eyes. Stanley opened up the moth. "Geez Xev, you practically gave me a heart attack." Then he realized she still wasn't dressed. "Why are you naked?"

"WHAT THE HELL STANLEY! You BURNED my CLOTHES! Of COURSE I 'm naked!" Xev yelled at the top of her voice.

"What! What are you talking about?" Stanley scrambled out of the moth and ran to the campfire, Xev following close behind. There on the ground were Xev's clothes looking half burned. "Oh! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" Stanley cried as he fell to his knees. "This can't be!" He tried to pick up what was left of Xev's clothes, and they simply disintegrated into little pieces, dust and ash stirring. A fine coating of powder covered his hands. He looked up at Xev, misery etched into his face. "I'm sorry Xev! I don't know what happened! You were asleep, so I left your clothes out for you! That's it! I swear!"

"Well OBVIOUSLY you left them TOO CLOSE TO THE FIRE, you IDIOT!" With that, Xev turned and ran away, heading for the good pond.

"Xev, wait!" called Stanley. He got up and started to go after her, but felt the thump of a stick on his leg. He looked down.

"Let her go, you must," said Yoda. "Time, she will need."

"Oh Yoda! I don't know what to say! It was an accident. It really, really was! I was trying to be nice! Do the right thing! I didn't want her angry at me!"

"Time you will need as well, I think," said Yoda.

"So what do we do now?" asked Stanley, utterly miserable.

"Fish we catch, then we eat," replied Yoda.

* * *

Xev was seated at the edge of the water by the good pond. She had discovered that if you threw flat stones just right, you could make them skip across the water. She had collected a stack, and was tossing them one by one.

"Stupid Stanley." Plop, plop, plop went the stone before sinking.

"Stupid Stanley." Plop, plop, plop.

"Stupid Stanley." Plop, plop, plop, plop. "Hey, four times."

It helped take her mind off what had happened. It had been so much fun, she reflected. From the time she had first hung her clothes on the branch behind her, until that moment in the morning when she awoke to find her clothes burned, she had never, not once, felt naked. It had been a rush, an exhilarating sense of freedom; an escape from the stress of living on the Lexx.

Yesterday, if clothes off symbolized freedom, clothes on symbolized a return to a cage, so a part of her had been glad Stanley played his little prank. It gave her more time to enjoy that freedom before returning to the cage that was the Lexx. Her missing clothes never worried her – she knew Stanley well enough to know her clothes were safe, and really, she could get them back anytime. Knowing that, she realized, had given her license to feel unencumbered and uninhibited. And now they were gone – actually, truly, irretrievably gone. Yesterday she felt free and empowered. Today she felt naked and vulnerable.

"Stupid Stanley." Plop, plop, plop.

Aside from the Lexx, the only possessions both she and Stanley had were the clothes on their backs. There were no backups, no spares. What was she supposed to do now? Live naked for the rest of her life on the Lexx? Or here on Dagobah? Actually, living naked on Dagobah didn't sound so bad; it was warm enough, and right now it seemed to be the better option. She had enjoyed herself yesterday, and she loved how amazingly full of life Dagobah was. And there was that Force Yoda talked about. He did say something about some sort of potential. What did that mean?

But that would mean being separated from her friends: Kai, Stanley; even 790 sort of counted as a friend. Yes, she was royally pissed with Stanley for being so incredibly stupid, but if he said burning her clothes was an accident, she was inclined to believe him. Xev skipped the last of her rocks across the pond, jumped in and began to swim methodically back and forth, until her arms and legs began to burn, and then continued a little longer, resisting the increasing pain. Finally, she could swim no more, and went back to the bank to rest, hips and legs extending underwater. It didn't have the same thrill as yesterday, but it did help to burn off her anger. As she lay recovering, she imagined ways to get revenge on Stanley. Push Stanley out a moth at high altitude. Tie up Stanley and throw him into the Big Bad Pond. Strip Stanley naked and burn his clothes in front of him. Actually, that last one sounded really tempting, but it wouldn't get her clothes back.

It occurred to Xev she didn't have anything to eat this morning, and by now it was mid-day. As she looked around, she noticed a vine-like plant with golden red berries on the far side of the pond. That brought another realization – she had no idea what was safe to eat, and what was poisonous. Only Yoda had local knowledge, and he was back at the camp. There was nothing for it. She got up and slowly walked back.

When Xev came to the edge of the clearing, she squatted down and hid behind a bush to observe, before continuing on. There was Stanley, looking dejected and miserable. He was off to one side well away from the fire. He had collected the larger pieces of the cluster lizard dress and seemed to be trying to figure out a way to piece something together. Well, at least he's trying, she thought, which is more than I've done so far. That went a long way towards quelling her anger. Xev came out of hiding, walked over to Stanley and sat down beside him.

"I am really, really sorry Xev. I never meant for this to happen," Stanley said with a shaky voice.

She picked up one of the pieces Stanley had collected and tried flexing it. It crumbled and fell to the ground. "I don't think any of this can be salvaged Stanley," she said quietly.

They sat side by side, staring at the pieces for a minute or two, as if waiting for them to magically transform back into her dress. Xev finally turned her head to look at Stanley, and saw soot smudges on his face where he had wiped away tears. That killed the last of her anger. She simply felt hollow now. Xev put her arm around Stanley's shoulder and pulled him close, resting her head against his. "Oh Stanley…. What are we going to do?"

"I don't know yet Xev. We'll think of something, I promise you that. I will find a way to make it up to you." Stanley hesitated. "I could give you my clothes."

Xev gave Stanley's shoulder a squeeze. "Oh believe me, I thought about that, including lots of ideas about what to do with your clothes. Most of those ideas involved burning them."

"Sounds fair," Stanley said in a low voice, nodding, looking down at the ground.

"Oh buck up, Stanley. I like to think I'm bigger than that. See?" Xev said, arching her back and thrusting out her breasts.

Stanley looked at her breasts and smiled ruefully. "Yeah, I guess you are bigger than me in that department."

"What can I say? I have a great body." They both laughed, and Xev relaxed again. They sat together in silence for another minute. "Well… at least Dagobah is warm," she said, with a little smile on her face.

"Yeah, and the Lexx is climate controlled," replied Stanley, smiling back. "We can always run the temperature a little warmer. Whatever you need."

"Right. I mean, who needs clothes?" Xev said with a wave of her hand. "Why do people even wear clothes on a spaceship? It's completely unnecessary. No reason for it."

"Absolutely. Clothes are for weak-willed people like me. You're beyond that. You…" Stanley said with emphasis, "…are clothed in your own skin. And that's something that can't be taken from you."

"Clothed in my own skin. You know what? That's it. The solution has been in front of us the whole time. I've got a great new look now. Why didn't I see it before? I should have gotten rid of my clothes a long time ago." Xev gave her head a sharp nod, indicating that was that. They laughed quietly, then settled down and sat in silence once more.

Xev turned more serious. "Okay Stanley," she said, patting him on the arm. "You can keep your clothes for now. If I have them, I might set them on fire and that won't help either of us. And as I did start my 'new look' by choice yesterday, I'm willing to stay with it a little while longer. But that doesn't mean I want to be running around naked forever, and in particular, once I'm back on the Lexx, I reserve the right to take your jumpsuit and do with it what I will. Deal?"

"Deal. That's more than generous. You really do have a big heart, and no," Stanley said, raising his hand, "You don't have to show me how big-hearted you are."

"But Stanley," Xev said laughingly, jiggling back and forth. "What else can I show you? These are my only assets now."

"No they're not. You are kind, generous, smart, self-assured, resourceful – those are assets too." Xev practically glowed at the complement. Her eyes wandered over to the moth.

"Oh! I still have my boots." Xev pointed to where they stood.

"See? More assets. But oh yeah, I can see it now; you wearing knee-high boots and nothing else," Stanley said dryly. "I think you're better off wearing nothing at all than wearing knee-high boots. Less provocative that way, and I could use less provocative right now."

Xev smiled at that. "Okay, the boots stay put. Jokes aside, I'm not actually in a provocative mood." She hesitated. "You know, it's funny. Last night I was feeling so good about myself, I actually imagined burning my clothes. And here they are." She prodded the pieces with her foot.

Stanley gave a small laugh. "I hate to say it, but I had a similar thought about your clothes. You were so with it, so self-assured, it made me jealous." Stanley brightened. "Now here's something. First, Yoda should be back any minute with something to eat. Eating will help. Then I'll get on the comm and talk to Kai and 790. We'll put our heads together. This isn't forever, Xev. You will have clothes again."

Xev smiled. "I was feeling so miserable this morning. I kept thinking – this is it, I'm stuck for life. But you're right; ultimately, this is temporary, and knowing that is half the battle." She gave Stanley a hug. Just yesterday, that would have sent him over the top. Today, he took it in stride.

"You know, when you didn't come back from your swim, I got worried. After a couple of hours, I went back to the small pond to see if you were okay. And there you were, Xev, curled up asleep in the grass like you were born here, in your element. You can be that self-assured confident person again."

"Yeah… I think I can." Xev looked at Stanley. "So why did you take my clothes?"

"Are you kidding? Stealing clothes from a skinny-dipper? It's a classic. I couldn't resist." He took in a breath. "I never stood a chance, did I?"

"Not even close." Xev replied.

They both laughed at that. "Hey look," Stanley said. "Yoda's back. Let's see what he has."

And so they got up and walked side by side to the campfire, the pieces of Xev's dress abandoned and forgotten. Tiny insect analogues were already hard at work, biting off chunks and carrying them back to their hives. Within hours, her clothes would be only a memory.


	7. Coping Mechanism

Chapter 7: Coping Mechanism

Early the next morning, Xev awoke to the sound of a moth flying overhead. She had slept by the fire, same as before, and Stanley in the damaged moth to escape the flies. Before going to sleep last night, she had taken the time to rub out any remaining traces of her clothes by the fire. She didn't need the reminder. Starting today, she was going to look forward, not back.

She jumped up with a whoop and waved her arms overhead in greeting. The moth chirped as it circled lower. She could make out Kai, who gave a small wave out the window. Kai swung the moth around, and landed it neatly beside the damaged moth. Xev ran up to the moth just as Kai was opening the canopy.

"Hi Kai!" Xev exclaimed, barely able to contain her excitement.

"Hello Xev," said Kai, jumping down to the ground. Xev wrapped her arms around Kai in a bear hug, pressing up against him as hard as she could, and gave Kai a kiss on the lips. Kai did not respond at all, which disappointed Xev.

Xev, stepped back and waved to herself with a flourish. "How do you like my new look Kai?" She held out her arms, and turned around slowly, giving Kai a full review of her new status. "I'm clothed in my own skin now. I think it's an improvement, don't you?"

"You look well Xev," Kai stated flatly, and started to turn away.

Xev was disappointed in Kai's lack of response and tried one more time. "Oh come on Kai. Don't you find it the least bit interesting to see me… naked?" To emphasize the point, she puffed up her chest and turned back and forth. Xev didn't really like using the word "naked," but she was eager for at least some small flicker of interest from Kai.

Kai did not even glance down at her. "No," replied Kai. "The dead do not care about such things. But… you do look well."

"Well I for one find it very interesting to see you naked," said Stanley, having overheard the tail-end of the conversation as he walked up. He held his arms out wide. "Do I get a hug? You know, the guy with a pulse?"

SLAP! "Ow!" howled Stanley, "What was that for?"

"Don't say naked," Xev hissed.

"But you said 'naked' to Kai," he protested.

SLAP! "You don't get to say naked."

"Okay! Okay! I get it," said Stanley, holding his cheek.

"So, what do you see when you see me?" Xev asked in a dangerous tone.

"I see… you?" Stanley replied hesitantly.

"Go on…."

"And you're, uh… looking healthy?" Stanley braced for a slap.

"Thanks, but not what I'm looking for."

"Oh. Uh… nice new outfit?"

"Close enough," replied Xev. She stalked off to the campfire and sat down, back turned to Kai and Stanley.

"She was so nice yesterday," said Stanley, astonished. "I mean, sure, it was bad at first, but then she came back, she was making jokes, and she sat right next to me all wiggly and…" Stanley held out his hands. "…out there with the goods. And there was a hug."

"I suspect," said Kai, "She is having trouble coping. You will need to give her time. It is import to her to think of herself as dressed. I suggest you do the same."

"And speaking of dresses…. Let's see. We're strangers in a strange galaxy. Dagobah is not exactly a thriving metropolis. We have no money, and nothing to trade. I suppose we could threaten somebody's planet…" Kai frowned at the suggestion. "…but I think even Xev would agree it's a bit much to blow up a planet just to get a dress. So where does that leave us?"

"We could try making a dress," replied Kai.

"How?"

"There are dead cluster lizards on the Lexx. We can search the Lexx, and check the condition of the hides. With luck, we may be able to harvest enough material to make a new dress."

"A new cluster lizard dress?" Stanley clapped his hands together. "Now we're talking. Yeah, just skin a couple of cluster lizards and sew the pieces together. I mean, how hard can it be?"

"It will not be that easy," replied Kai.

"Oh," Stanley said, crestfallen. "Well, we have to try. We owe it to Xev. But meanwhile, I need to return to the Lexx. Get it pointed in another direction for feeding. Why don't you come with? We can talk some more about the dress idea."

"What about Xev?" Kai asked. She was still sitting with her back turned.

"Uh, why don't you go ask her Kai? She might bite my head off." Stanley watched from the relative safety of the moths as Kai conferred with Xev, and then returned.

"She says she will stay here for the time being. She asked me to remind you of your deal."

Stanley clutched at his jumpsuit. "Okay. I have no problem with Xev staying here, wild, free, and… dressed for the occasion. Let's go."

Xev turned to watch as the moth took off. After the disaster, Stanley had been amazingly supportive, and by the time she went to sleep last night, she was almost feeling back to her old self. Then Stanley just had to be a jerk this morning. Now she was regretting her decision to continue her "new look" for the time being, but she had made a deal, and she was determined to see it through. For the time being she would be patient and not let Stanley get under her skin. "Ha! Under my skin. What else can he get under but my skin?" she said morosely to herself.

About this time, Yoda had walked up to Xev and was waiting patiently for her to notice. She looked up and said, "Good morning," in a quiet voice.

"Come, come," said Yoda, motioning. "Much to learn you have."

"About the Force?" Xev said hopefully.

"About plants," Yoda replied. "Keep feeding you, I cannot. Learn to forage, you must. Teach you I will."

Xev laughed. "You are ever so right. Thank you." With that, she got up and together they walked into the forest. Yoda began to point out plants here and there: fruits, nuts and berries Xev could eat along the way; plants that could be harvested for their leaves and stems; vegetables and roots that were edible after cooking. There was so much to learn! She hoped she could remember it all.

A couple of hours later, Xev and Yoda returned to camp and began roasting some potato-like roots for a midday meal. They had been busy the entire time talking about plants, and Yoda promised to show her even more tomorrow. As the conversation wound down, it occurred to Xev she had quite forgotten she was naked. Because she had forgotten, she hadn't felt self-conscience. And with that came a realization: all her brave talk about her "new look," being "clothed in her own skin" and similar comments was not really helping. It's just another reminder my clothes are gone, she thought. So really, the way to handle being naked was to stop obsessing about it. Just put it out of my mind. And she had already done that today without any effort while she was focused on the plants. Was she unclothed? Or course. That was a simple truth and there was no escaping that. But that didn't mean she had to be naked; at least, not in her head. Just keep busy. Xev reached out with a stick to turn over the potato-roots. I can do this, Xev thought. I can get by. And that gave her a warm feeling that had nothing to do with the fire.

That afternoon, as Xev was swimming in the good pond, she heard the sound of a moth flying by. That's twice in one day, she thought. Xev climbed out and ran all the way back to the main clearing, droplets of water streaming off her body as she went. The moth had landed. Kai was talking to Yoda, and Stanley was unloading several large bottles from the moth. Curious, she went over to the moth to see what was going on.

"Hi Stanley," she said as she walked up.

"Oh hi Xev. Didn't see you there." Stanley turned around from the moth and took in Xev. "So… is that a wetsuit?"

"A what?" said Xev, momentarily nonplused. "No, I'm just wet, that's all. Okay?"

"Okay," replied Stanley, unsure of what to say. Then he brightened. "Hey Xev, do you mind if we take your boots back to the Lexx? You're not using them after all." He had a slightly strained smile, which raised Xev's suspicions.

"And why do you want them?" she asked warningly.

"Oh, hey, nothing bad. We just want to examine them. And have 790 scan them too. Your boots will not be harmed. And when we're finished, we can either bring them back here, or store them in your sleeping chamber. Your choice."

"I'm still not sure why you want them." Xev said, but with less suspicion.

"Well, we have an idea, and examining the boots is part of it. If you don't mind, I'd rather not say yet, because we don't know if this idea will pan out. But I won't lie to you Xev. It's going to take a lot of time to figure this out. Weeks probably." Stanley gave a weak smile, and nervously clutched at his jumpsuit.

Xev gave it some thought. "All right Stanley, you can have the boots. Just put them in my sleeping chamber when you're done. Weeks huh…." Xev thought about her earlier epiphany. I can do this. "You're asking for a lot of time there…. Tell you what. I'll give you a week to get started, at the end of which I want to see what you're doing. If I approve, you can have more time, but I'm not promising weeks."

"Thanks Xev! That's great!" Stanley exclaimed with great relief. He took a step forward, arms out, and hesitated.

"No hugs." Stanley looked a little disappointed. "And Stanley," Xev said, waving to herself. "Look at me." She waited until Stanley focused. "This is not a fashion statement, this is not an outfit, this is not a new look, nor this is a suit, wet, dry, or otherwise, and this is not clothing. I am a person. I am still Xev, the same Xev you've always known. But never, ever call me naked." With that, Xev turned on her heel and marched over to the campfire.

"I'm so confused," Stanley said as he watched her go.


	8. Back to the Lexx

Chapter 8: Back to the Lexx

Xev looked excitedly out the canopy of the moth, trying to make out the sights through the driving rain. Kai was flying with a steady hand on the control. Two days ago, it had rained for the first time since they arrived on Dagobah. Yoda said six days without rain on Dagobah was a drought. When the rain came that day, Xev spent most of the afternoon dancing around the clearing, turning this way and that, enjoying the sensation of the rain. It brought back that euphoric feeling she experienced when she went for her very first swim. For the past few days, focusing on day-to-day living brought with it many long hours of not thinking about her loss. But while dancing in the rain on day six, she felt truly connected to Dagobah. She hoped the feeling would last.

Although the grass had been wet, it wasn't muddy, and the temperature had not changed significantly. Dagobah was still very warm and thrilling for Xev. She simply bedded down in the wet grass that night and considered it just another experience. The next morning, the sun came out and began to dry things out, making it hot and as humid as a sauna. Xev didn't mind, but poor Stanley looked like he would melt, his jumpsuit damp and clinging. She suggested he follow her example, take it off and get some relief, but he insisted he was fine. She thought Stanley was being ridiculous. Xev was adapting to life on Dagobah.

The next day the rain came back, and this time it wasn't any fun. If she had felt connected, this time Dagobah seemed determined to break that connection. She couldn't keep the fire going, and her grassy "nest" where she had been sleeping had turned into a muddy mush. So she retreated to the damaged moth, and put in a call to the Lexx. And here was Kai, taking her back for the first time since they arrived.

The rain began to let up as they approached, allowing her to glimpse the Lexx and the kilometers long path of destruction that stretched out as far as she could see. That had been a shock, but at least the Lexx had declared itself full two days ago, and was now simply parked. Yoda said Dagobah was resilient, and within ten years you would never know the Lexx had been there. She hoped that was true.

The moth flew in through the airlock and out of the rain. They circled the landing pad and settled down. Stanley was on hand, holding 790. And that was when Xev had her panic attack, heart pounding wildly. The open landing pad had a public-space feel that, in a rush, made her acutely aware she had no clothes. Xev snapped her fingers at Stanley. "Jumpsuit!" she managed. 790 was blathering on about how much he loved her and missed her – she couldn't really take it in. Stanley started to protest, but saw the expression on her face and did as he was told, which left him standing there in a raggedy old pair of skivvies. She quickly stepped into the jumpsuit and zipped it up.

"So Xev. What are your plans for my jumpsuit?" Stanly asked nervously.

"Your jumpsuit?" Xev replied. "I'll let you know what I plan to do with my…" she emphasized the word "…new jumpsuit. See you later." Xev walked off the landing pad with as much speed as dignity would allow. Once she was out of sight, she ducked into an unused service corridor, quickly took off the jumpsuit and kicked it away from her. It was unbelievably itchy! How could Stanley stand to wear the thing? Clearly, the lowest-level security guards back on the Cluster got the worst clothing. It was completely unacceptable. Her cluster lizard dress never felt anything like that.

Now Xev had a problem – she didn't want Stanley to know she didn't like the jumpsuit. She picked it up and peeked around the corner. Could she make a run for the showers without being caught, or would she have to put it on again? She decided it was worth the risk, and went sneaking down the corridor, holding the nasty jumpsuit out as far away from her body as she could. She made it to the showers without incident, dropped the jumpsuit, hopped into a stall and tried to wash away the itchy feeling. The water soothed her skin, and soon she was feeling better. She considered her options. From here, she could easily go to her sleeping chamber without wearing the jumpsuit, no questions asked. Or, she could try going back to the landing pad and face her panic. Everyone should be gone by now.

She picked up the jumpsuit once again, and considered putting it back on before leaving. No, it was just too itchy. She would risk not wearing it. Once more she went down the corridor, pausing every few meters to listen for voices. She made it to the landing pad, and looked around. She didn't feel so bad this time. Xev slowly walked out until she was standing dead center. Still no panic. Then she realized she was still holding the jumpsuit. I bought a security blanket with me. She ran back to the entrance, threw the jumpsuit as far away as she could and then turned around. Walking slowly, she again moved out to the center of the landing pad. Okay, that's not so bad. I've got it under control now.

"I believe you dropped this."

Xev practically leapt out of her skin. "Kai! Oh, hello. I didn't know you were here."

"Are you feeling better now?" asked Kai. "I had noticed you seemed to be having difficulty."

"Yes Kai, I am. Thanks."

"If you like, I can stay with you."

"Thanks, but this is something I have to work out for myself. I'm not really sure why I panicked."

"Perhaps," said Kai, "You should try reacquainting yourself with the Lexx."

"Good idea. I will," agreed Xev.

Kai held up the jumpsuit. "Do you want this back?"

"NO! That is to say, I'm finished with it now. Could you return it to Stanley? Tell him thanks for the tryout. It has given me ideas on how to modify it." She looked down at herself and realized tiny red spots were starting to show. "Hey Kai? Before you go, are there red spots on my back?"

"Hold out your arms." Kai walked around Xev. "There are spots all over your body, but they are not evenly distributed. The greatest concentration is on your shoulders and back, and the fewest on your forearms and below the knees." Kai held up the jumpsuit. "The pattern is consistent with this."

"Oh Kai! Please don't tell Stanley. I don't want him to know yet."

Kai simply nodded and left. What a strange reaction, she thought. She didn't want anything touching her skin until it recovered, and until it did she wanted to avoid running into Stanley. With nothing better to do, she decided to follow Kai's reacquainting advice, and began exploring the less frequented areas of the Lexx.

The next morning, Stanley didn't hear Xev as she padded onto the bridge with bare feet. She was feeling a lot better, and the mysterious spots were gone. "Morning Stanley."

"Morning Xev – whoa!" said Stanley jumping back a little. "Sorry. You know, I was more or less starting to get used to you, being, well, you, out there…." He jerked his thumb to indicate Dagobah. "…but here it threw me for a loop."

"Yeah, old habits," Xev replied. "When I woke up this morning, first thing I did was look for my clothes. Oops, no clothes. Then after my shower, I started to head back to my sleeping chamber to dress. Oops again. So I came here instead."

790 came rolling in on its cart. "Xev! Woman of my dreams, I will always love you no matter what. Tweedle you insensitive clod! Give Xev your jumpsuit immediately!"

"NO!" Xev and Stanley shouted simultaneously. They looked at each other.

"I mean," said Xev, trying to recover, "we have a deal. Except for me trying it on for size yesterday, Stanley gets to keep his jumpsuit for a week, and the week isn't over, right Stanley?"

"That's right Xev," declared Stanley, relived she was on his side.

"After all," said Xev, as she stepped up to Stanley and began to brush imaginary lint off his shoulder. "We wouldn't want to be… premature… would we?" She stopped brushing to examine her fingers, and leaned in closer to look Stanley directly in the eyes.

"No," gritted Stanley, who was struggling to not step back.

"Right then," said Xev and turned away. Stanley let out the breath he didn't know he was holding. Hmm, thought Xev as she examined her fingernails, he stood his ground. I must be losing my touch.

"But Xev darling," said 790. "Deals with Tweedle don't count! You can make him give you his jumpsuit. I know you've got it in you!"

Xev leaned over and patted 790 on the head. "Yes I could 790. But a deal works both ways. You wouldn't want me to be known as a deal-breaker, would you? I wouldn't be able to make deals with anyone else."

"But it's just Tweedle my sweet! No one should keep a deal with him! I wouldn't!"

"But 790," Xev said, and leaned in even closer, whispering. "It's driving him absolutely crazy. Just look at Stanley. He's a wreck. He can't even look this way while I'm bent over." She stood up.

"Oooo," said 790. "Stick to the deal Xev! Stick to the deal!" 790 turned towards Stanley. "Hey security guard. Take all the time you need with your little project. Haste makes waste." And with that, 790 rolled off the bridge whistling.

"Thanks for backing me up Xev." Stanley nervously played with the zipper on his jumpsuit. "And I really, really appreciate how patient and understanding you've been. I honestly don't know how well I'd hold up if our roles were reversed. You seem to be managing really well."

"Why thank you Stanley. I did agree to give you a week, and in his own way 790 is right about not being too hasty. But I won't be patient forever. Our roles could very well reverse." Xev paused to look Stanley up and down. "Nice jumpsuit."

Stanley gulped. "So hey! Xev, it's not been a full week yet, but would you like to see what we've been up to so far? There isn't much to show yet, I'm afraid."

Xev smiled. "Lead the way." Stanley led Xev to a room not far from the cryochamber. A crud workbench had been set up, and there were a series of open bottles. Through dark liquid, Xev could just make out pieces of something floating in each bottle.

"This is it?" she asked, disappointed.

"Now, now. Let me explain," said Stanley. "These…" He pointed to the bottles. "…are pieces of cluster lizard skin."

"Cluster lizard? You found a cluster lizard? Oh Stanley!" Xev squealed with delight and gave Stanley a bear hug. Stanley turned bright red but held up. "This is so much better than I imagined!" Xev exclaimed. "I figured you were trying to sew a bunch of leaves together; something that might last a week before falling apart. And be itchy," she said, thinking about the jumpsuit.

"Well, more like half a cluster lizard. Less really. These pieces were about all we could collect."

Xev looked at the bottles again. "So what is that? Maybe enough for a loincloth if I go topless?"

"I can live with that," Stanley said with a grin. "But no. Kai is still searching the Lexx for more cluster lizards. There were several on the Lexx when we left the Cluster. They have to be somewhere. This is really just a test run while the search continues."

"What is that stuff?" Xev said, pointing at the bottles.

"Swamp water," replied Stanley. "It turns out swamps have tannic acid, and Dagobah is one big swamp. These have been boiled down to increase the concentration of tannic acid. We're using it to treat the skins. Each bottle has a different concentration. Kai knows the details. And as for your boots…" Stanley said with a smile, "…they're not cluster lizard, but they are leather. We were hoping an examination of them would provide some guidance on what the end result should be like."

"Wow," said Xev, her eyes glowing. "I'm actually impressed. I had figured I would be taking your jumpsuit by the end of the week. But this has real possibilities." Xev turned and gave Stanley a second hug and kissed him on the cheek. "I have to admit, I wasn't planning to put up with this for much longer. But for a real cluster lizard dress? Oh yeah, I can wait." Xev turned and went happily skipping out of the room and down the hall, leaving behind a slightly stunned Stanley.

"Two hugs in one day," mused Stanley. "I can get used to that."


	9. Looking for Lizards

Chapter 9: Looking for Lizards

A week had gone by and Stanley was nervous. That first cluster lizard – half really, and in poor condition – wasn't a discovery. Kai already knew about it. It was simply a matter of retrieving it, skinning it, and getting started on their swamp water tanning experiment. That part was well underway when he showed Xev the bottles of lizard skin. A few days ago Stanley and Kai had decided the skins had soaked long enough, so they fished them out of the bottles and allowed them to dry. As far as Stanley could tell the experiment was a success, but time would tell.

Now they had hit a snag. No new cluster lizards; at least, not yet. Xev was returning to the Lexx for a progress report, and they had nothing new to show. During the week Stanley had remembered Xev's comment about a loincloth, and that had given him an idea. He was tired of Xev always seeming to have the upper hand and wanted to try a little payback. Of course, if it really pissed her off, he might lose his jumpsuit. He was waiting in the "tanning" chamber as they now called it. He didn't have long to wait.

"Hi Stanley," Xev said with a big smile as she breezed in, escorted by Kai. "Is my new dress ready?"

"No pressure there," Stanley commented. "Sorry Xev, but I'm afraid we don't have much to show this time around. Kai has been searching the Lexx for almost two weeks now and so far, no new cluster lizards." Xev looked pouty and disappointed. "But hey! Speaking of not much to show, here's something you can wear in the meantime until your dress is ready. Now close your eyes and hold out your hand…."

Xev looked a little suspicious but did as she was told. She felt something lightweight and soft dropped in her hand. She opened her eyes and found she was holding a small flap of lizard skin leather attached to a leather cord. "A loincloth? Are you kidding? This is too small." Xev held the loincloth to herself. "Did I say too small? This doesn't begin to cover me."

"But Xev," Stanley teased. "It's really you. It's a bold statement for a bold person. It sends a message."

"What message?" snorted Xev. "Open to the public?"

"I was thinking 'no secrets,' but that works too."

"And you expect me to wear this?"

"Well sure, if you like." Stanley paused for a second and then burst out laughing. "No, not really. It's just a little joke."

"A very little joke," said Xev, steaming.

"Hey, the smaller the better," Stanley grinned back.

"Is there a reason you asked me over here besides giving me a useless loincloth?" Xev tossed the loincloth back to Stanley, who stuffed it in a pocket.

"Look Xev, I'm sorry we don't have anything new to show you. But I also don't want you to think we're trying to hide anything from you either." Stanley grinned. "After all, it's not like you're hiding anything."

"Getting on my nerves Stanley."

"Sorry." Stanley turned to Kai, clapping his hands together. "So, Kai, how much longer do you think it will take to finish searching the Lexx?"

"To complete a full search of the Lexx will take up to three weeks."

"Three weeks!" exclaimed Xev and Stanley simultaneously. They looked at each other.

"Sorry Xev," Stanley apologized. "I had no idea this could take so long. But look Kai, you're a dead guy, right? And you don't sleep, right? Except when you're in cryo. So can't you search the corridors twenty-four hours a day?"

"I am already doing so," replied Kai. "The three week estimate assumes I search twenty-four hours a day."

Stanley and Xev looked at each other aghast, jaws slightly dropped.

"What about your protoblood Kai?" asked a worried Xev. "Isn't this search causing you to use it up a lot faster than usual?"

"Yes," replied Kai, "I have used a lot of my reserve already."

"Well why didn't you say something?" exclaimed Stanley, upset.

"The dead do not care about such things."

"Well we care!" exclaimed Xev. "All right, that's it, Kai! Back to cryo for you. Stanley and I will finish the search ourselves."

"Even with two of us, it will still take about three weeks," Stanley pointed out.

"I don't care! I will NOT have Kai running out of protoblood," said Xev, close to tears. "The cryochamber is just down the corridor. Now move!" Xev was not brooking any more arguments. They all left the tanning chamber and headed down the corridor.

"So I guess this means you'll be staying on the Lexx, right?" asked Stanley.

"Yes. I'd rather stay here while we're searching," replied Xev as they entered the cryochamber.

Kai stepped into a cryopod. "Wake me if you need me," he said.

"We will," replied Xev, and activated the pod. The moment it sealed shut, she spoke while staring at Kai. "Stanley! How could you? Kai's protoblood is far too precious to be wasted searching weeks on end! Once it's gone, it's gone!"

"Believe me Xev, I know. But I didn't think it would take so long. And you do seem to be in a hurry, not that I blame you, and Kai can cover a lot more ground than either of us."

Xev rounded on Stanley. "Oh, so now it's my fault?" she blazed. "And just who set my clothes on fire? Hmm?"

"You want clothes? Fine," Stanley replied angrily. He quickly stripped off his jumpsuit and tossed it on the floor at Xev's feet. "Now you have clothes. Enjoy." Stanley turned and walked out of the cryochamber with as much dignity as he could muster, an exit spoiled by a large hole in his underwear.

Xev watched him go, a little surprised, her own anger forgotten. The mental image of Stanley's butt cheek peeking through that hole made her laugh. She picked up the jumpsuit, took a close look at it, and for the first time noticed how faded and worn it had become. Oh Stanley, she thought, how much longer are your own clothes going to last?

After checking the bridge, Xev headed for Stanley's sleeping chamber. She stopped outside and her lips quirked up in a little smile. "Hey Stanley? Are you decent?" she called out.

"Not gonna answer the question Xev," came the reply. Xev shrugged and walked into the chamber. Stanley's bed was set up inside an old, dead moth. He was seated on the edge, eyes cast down. He looked up and gave a simple "Hi."

For his part, Stanley was a little surprised to see Xev holding the jumpsuit instead of wearing it. He gave a snort.

"What's so funny?" Xev asked as she sat down beside him, putting the jumpsuit down between them.

"Oh, it's just the twisted logic of our current situation. When you walked in just now holding my jumpsuit instead of wearing it, the thought that popped into my head was, 'at least she's not showing off.' You know, being the new owner of the jumpsuit and all."

Xev laughed at that. "Yes, things have gotten turned around, haven't they? Look Stanley, it's okay. You can have your jumpsuit back." She gave it a pat.

"Thanks, but, what's it been? About two weeks? You said yourself you didn't want to be running around naked forever… oh, sorry." Stanley flinched back.

"It's okay, Stanley. I'm not going to hit you." Xev thought about Stanley's comment. "Somehow, it seems longer than that."

"Well anyway, I've realized it's not fair for me to keep wearing this jumpsuit when you literally have nothing – well, apart from your boots. It's time you had a turn. If the search is going to take up to three weeks, why don't you wear it for the next two weeks, and after that we take turns? That is, assuming you don't want to keep it outright."

"No, no, you can have it Stanley," Xev replied. Stanley simply looked puzzled. Xev sighed. "Okay, the fact is, I don't want to wear your jumpsuit. It's itchy."

Comprehension dawned on Stanley's face. "Oh right. I'd forgotten about that."

"Forgotten? How can you stand to wear the thing Stanley? You could always wear this instead." Xev pulled out the loincloth. "We'd make a great team – the love slave with nothing to hide, and the man with no secrets."

"That would sure be true," Stanley chuckled quietly. He pondered for a moment. "When I was a security guard back on the Cluster, some of the other guards really hated me. They were loyal to His Divine Shadow, but I was still considered Ostral-B. The only reason I was still alive was in case I was ever wanted me for further questioning. They would do things to me all the time. The last trick they pulled was to dump itching powder into my jumpsuit."

Stanley turned to look at Xev. "That first day was agony. I developed a bad rash. Then I found the stuff wouldn't wash out, and the same guys who dumped in the itching power would deny requests for a replacement." Stanley paused. "That itchy feeling never truly goes away, but after a while you do sort of become numb to it."

"Well we're not on the Cluster any more. Why don't you just stop wearing it?"

"I don't know Xev. It's sort become part of me now. In some ways I'm almost afraid not to wear it, for fear I'd lose my resistance." Stanley gave a little shutter. "I don't want to go through the agony of getting used to it all over again."

Xev patted Stanley on the arm. "Okay, then it's settled. You keep your jumpsuit and I'll keep… well, I suppose there's always this." Xev held up the loincloth.

Stanley smiled. "You might as well wear it as a headband for all the modesty it provides. A better idea would be to stick it outside somewhere for a few days. That had been the original plan until I fashioned it into a loincloth. If we do find more cluster lizards, we'll probably only get one shot at making a dress. Better to find out now if it's going to hold up to the elements."

"All right," said Xev, twirling the loincloth on her finger. "I'll take this out to the clearing and let Yoda know what's going on. And tomorrow we'll start searching."

* * *

Galactic Veterans Association Post 268101

For once, former Sergeant Adian Rix of the Imperial Army wasn't bored. After retirement, he thought he would like nothing better than to simply live out the remainder of his days as quietly as possible. Rix and his wife loved each other very much during his long deployments, but once he was home permanently, the friction began. Four months after retirement, Rix came home one day to discover his wife had moved out. With nothing better to do, he began to volunteer at the local GVA post. Rix quickly discovered that volunteers were assigned the jobs no one else wanted.

The job he was currently working was "anonymous contracts." Normally this was routine stuff, but a couple of weeks ago an unusual contract was farmed out to Post 268101 as a "local matter." He had dutifully posted it, then, with nothing better to do, began to read the contract offer. What Rix found intrigued him. It was a capture or hit on an unknown "bug" ship with possible rebel connections. It didn't take a genius to see why this had been farmed out instead of being handled by GVA headquarters – it just seemed too weird to be true.

Rix didn't expect to see much action on this one, and sure enough, over the past two weeks there had only been two inquires, and neither had been serious. Finally, he now had a serious inquiry. As was typical in cases like this, the person he was speaking to was an unknown. Transactions were typically conducted via single-use account numbers.

"It's a risky contract," said the distorted voice over the link. "I want half up front, and half when we finish the job."

"That's not how contracts usually work at the GVA," Rix responded. "And you know it. You get your money at the end of the contract, not before."

"For the small stuff, sure. But this isn't small stuff, soldier. For a contract like this, I have expenses to cover ahead of time. I want half up front."

"Let me lay it on the line for you," responded Rix. "The best I can do on my own authority is to give you a 30% advance on the contract. Any more than that and it has to be kicked back to headquarters for approval, and headquarters farmed this out to our post in the first place because someone there didn't want to deal with it. If I have to send this off for approval, chances are the contract will simply disappear, if not outright be canceled." Rix's actual limit was 40%, but he wasn't about to mention that.

There was silence for a moment at the other end of the link. "Split the difference. 40% up front."

"Buddy, you're killing me," replied Rix. "Look, I'm only doing this as a courtesy, soldier to soldier." Rix opened an empty document and banged furiously away at his keyboard for sound effects. "Okay, if I kite funds from another pending contract, I can get you 33% up front. Any more than that and what I'm doing gets noticed and my ass is in the sling."

"33% will do. You will receive account information later."

"Great, it's a deal. How soon can you get started?"

"I have another contract to complete, and supplies to purchase. In about two weeks or so."

"I have to put in a follow-up date for contract review," Rix replied. "Will four weeks be enough?"

"Yes, but make it eight weeks. I don't like to be rushed."

"Eight weeks it is." Rix broke the connection, sat back and smiled. This contract almost made him want to become a soldier again. Almost. There was a reason he was here, and not mixed up with mercenaries. Rix couldn't afford a good prosthesis – his was off-the-shelf Imperial army issue. Time to take a break. He stood up and walked gingerly away to avoid shooting pains the army doctors insisted couldn't be happening.


	10. Lexx Lizards Lost

Chapter 10 – Lexx Lizards Lost

Another two weeks searching, and still no cluster lizards. Both Stanley and Xev were tired and worried. The constant walking was proving to be pretty exhausting. They were both seeing parts of the Lexx they had never visited before. They met up at mid-day in the food chamber. Xev walked in, sat down at a food dispenser, and began massaging a sore foot while listening to Stanley try to place an order.

"So Lexx," Stanley said while rubbing his hands together, "What I want is a roast beef sandwich. You know, where the roast beef is thinly sliced, on pumpernickel bread, toasted with melted cheese – but not too melted – just enough to be soft without being runny. Oh, and mustard – not the yellow kind, but a spicy brown mustard, with a pickle and a bit of lettuce too. Do you think you can do that Lexx?"

The Lexx responded by sneezing a blob of blue-green gunk with the consistency of rice pudding out of a dangling dispenser tube into a basin. The blob hit the basin, and began to slowly sag and spread. Stanley ran two fingers through the spreading mess and gave it a taste. "Oh come on Lexx!" Stanley cried in frustration.

"What is a roast beef sandwich, Stan?" asked the Lexx.

"I don't know why you bother," commented Xev, switching to the other foot. "No matter what you ask for, the Lexx always gives us the same thing." She pointed at the blob. "That."

"Well I was hoping it might at least have a different flavor or texture," replied Stanley, who began scooping up and eating his meal. "Then I could close my eyes and pretend I was eating something else."

"You can eat something else." Xev gave the dispenser tube in front of her a pull and squeeze, and was rewarded with an allotment of the same blue-green sustenance. Like Stanley, she scooped a bit up and began eating. "Once we're done with our search, we can fly back to the clearing, forage and cook a campfire meal. I could use a change myself."

"Tempting..." Stanley thought about it. "But with the recent rain during this so-called dry season, the flies are worse than ever. I may have to give it a pass."

Xev grinned. "Your loss," she replied as she finished eating. "To the bridge?"

"To the bridge." Stanley slowly stood up, a bit stiff, and together they headed off. "You know, I haven't wanted to say anything, but we need to be thinking about alternatives to finding cluster lizards."

"I know," replied Xev. "I've been thinking the same thing. You said before we have nothing to trade, but that's not really true. We have ourselves."

"So what are you proposing?" smiled Stanley. "Standing on a street corner somewhere holding a sign that says 'Get it here'?"

"Yes Stanley, go right ahead," replied Xev with a grin. "But I had something else in mind. I've been talking to 790 about this galaxy. The Lexx is bigger than almost anything the locals have. What if we offered our services delivering bulk cargo?"

"I don't know Xev. Certainly the Lexx has a lot of wide open spaces inside, but I'm not certain how easily that could be used. The Lexx was not designed to be a cargo hauler. And besides," Stanley said, waving his hands as he walked. "How do we get ourselves set up in business? There are bound to be license fees, inspections, registrations, certifications, docking fees and other stuff. Rules and regulations we know nothing about. All of that requires startup money we don't have."

Xev shook her head. "You're thinking way too official, and all that would take too long. I imagine there are plenty of people or organizations who would be interested in the services of an unlicensed and unregistered ship. The rebels for a start, or people trading in illicit goods."

"You want us to become smugglers?"

"Why not?" queried Xev as they walked onto the bridge. She peered more closely at Stanley. "You lived too long on the Cluster, didn't you? You don't seem the rebel type."

"I was a rebel!" protested Stanley. "But, you know, even rebellions need an organizational structure. I just happened to be at the bottom of that structure."

"So good of you to confirm what I've always suspected," said 790 as he rolled up to Xev and Stanley. "Once a loser, always a loser."

"Oh yeah?" retorted Stanley. "If I'm such a loser, where's your body?"

"At least I wasn't born this way," 790 fired back.

"Children!" Xev shouted, holding up her arms like a referee. "This stops now! I want you two to work together. 790, do you think you can make me happy and actually be useful to Stanley, especially when I'm not around?"

790 was quiet for a moment. "Oh Xev my beloved! The things you ask of me! But if it will make you happy…" 790 growled in Stanley's direction "…then I'll work with Tweedle. But I won't like it."

"I'm not asking you to like it," responded Xev. "But it will make me very happy for you to work with Stanley."

"Oh all right." 790 looked dejected. "Anything to make you happy my sweet."

"So, 790," said Stanley, eager to put this to the test. "We completed searching the latest areas of the Lexx, and still nothing. Where do we search next?"

"Nowhere. There are no more corridors left to search."

"What?" Xev and Stanley said together. "But I thought the search would take up to three weeks!" continued Stanley. "It's only been two."

"And the key words are 'up to' three weeks. Besides, both of you have been putting in long hours searching. That reduced the corridor search to two weeks."

Xev turned without a word and hurried off the bridge. Stanley expected her to head down the corridor as they usually did. Instead, he heard the sound of a moth taking off from the bridge landing pad.

"Where's Xev going?" asked a puzzled 790.

"Out," replied Stanley. "I guess she needs to absorb the news." Stanley turned to 790 and noticed it had a guilty expression on its display. "Hey 790, don't worry about it. It's not like it's your fault, and Xev has been doing really well. She'll get over it. Is there anywhere else to look?"

"You could search Lexx's digestive tract."

"Why?" asked a suspicious Stanley. "Wouldn't any cluster lizards in there have been destroyed long ago?"

"Yes."

"So why search the digestive tract?"

"Because then I could have Xev all to myself."

* * *

It was now late afternoon, and Xev had not returned to the Lexx. Stanley was concerned and took a moth out. Sure enough, when he arrived at the now-familiar clearing, there was the damaged moth, with a second moth parked beside it. He could also see a fire burning at their campsite. Stanley circled around and landed his moth beside the other two. This place is turning into a moth parking lot, he thought to himself.

Stanley walked up to the campfire and sat down next to Xev. She had some vegetables circled around the fire and a pair of fish skewered on sticks cooking above the flame. The scene brought back memories of their first night on Dagobah. He smiled.

"I had been hoping to find Yoda," Xev said as she used a pair of sticks to begin turning the vegetables. "But we did finish up early. I'd like to stay here until he returns. We don't really have a way to get in touch with him after all…. What? What are you smiling about?"

Stanley chuckled. "Oh, nothing really. I was just thinking that out here on Dagobah, hunting your own food and stuff really seems to suit you."

Xev smiled. "Yeah, I guess Dagobah brings out the primitive in me. See those?" She pointed to the fish. "I caught those myself earlier today. Yoda showed me a fibrous plant that can be pulled apart and used as a fishing line. Just tie a piece of fruit to one end, trail it in the water, and with patience you have dinner."

"You fished the Big Bad Pond?" asked a surprised Stanley.

"Yes I did," Xev replied with pride. "Oh, don't worry," she said at the look of alarm on Stanley's face. "I didn't do anything stupid like stand at the water's edge. I found a tree that leans out over the water, and fished from there, well above and out of reach. I don't think the creature ever knew I was there."

"I would never assume that creature doesn't know I'm there," Stanley said, concern clearly showing on his face.

"Oh I absolutely agree with you on that point." Xev looked around the clearing and up into the night sky. "But still, there's something about this place… something that makes me feel connected to everything around me. Maybe it has something to do with the Force Yoda talks about, or maybe I'm just imagining it – I don't know. While I will always be careful while fishing, I really do feel the creature was never aware of my presence."

"Look, I don't know if this Force is real or not…." Stanley trailed off at the look he was getting from Xev. "Okay, fine. Yoda somehow moved the damaged moth. But at least I do know Yoda is real, so I brought you this." Stanley pulled a small comm unit out of his pocket and handed it to Xev. "Just give him that next time he's here."

"Stanley! How thoughtful," Xev beamed, looking around. "Now where can I put this so it doesn't get lost?"

Stanley stood up and held out his hand. "How about if I put it in your moth for now? We can figure something out later."

"Thanks," said Xev, handing back the comm. She turned to watch Stanley make his delivery. There are times when Stanley can surprise me in a nice way, she thought, as Stanley returned and sat beside Xev once again.

"As it happens, I have enough food here for both of us. Would you care for something to eat?" she offered.

Stanley smiled. "I thought you'd never ask." He watched quietly as Xev began to move the vegetables away from the fire to let them cool. "You know one thing I've discovered?" he said, and continued without waiting for an answer. "If I sit right next to you, the flies leave me alone. Well, mostly alone. You seem to have an anti-fly aura about you."

Xev gave a little laugh. "And it's a good thing too; otherwise I'd be in big trouble." She reached out with her hand and tested a vegetable. It was cool enough. She handed it off to Stanley. "Here. Just peal that back and try it," she instructed.

"Hey! This is good," said a surprised Stanley who quickly wolfed it down.

"It may not be a roast beef sandwich," Xev said with a smile. "But it sure beats the stuff the Lexx feeds us. And you don't have to pretend it's something else."

As they ate their food, Stanley considered their surroundings. "You know, I'm starting to see why you like this place. But if you are going to live here long-term, you definitely need shelter. Yoda did say this is the dry season – and unusually dry at that. There are only so many days you can sleep under the open sky."

"Oh, don't worry Stanley," Xev said, giving his arm a pat. "I'm not planning to settle down yet. There's still a whole galaxy out there we know nothing about. I'd like to see more of it." Xev paused. "You know, you still haven't tried sleeping out under the open sky like I've been doing. Why don't you give it a try?"

"Are you kidding? The flies would eat me alive," Stanley said with a shudder.

Xev was disappointed but tried to not let it show. "All right. I still think you're missing out." She yawned. "Well, I'm ready to go to sleep. Will you be back in the morning?"

"I can do that. See you in the morning then." Stanley got up, gave a friendly wave and walked off towards the moths.

Above Dagobah, an old military surplus spy-bot slipped into orbit. It was not particularly sophisticated, but for the images it recorded on the ground, it didn't need to be. After a few orbits, it transmitted its report and initiated an uncontrolled decent into atmosphere at an angle ensuring the spy-bot would completely burn up at high altitude. To an observer on the ground, it would look like just another meteor.


	11. Killer Clones from Outer Space

Chapter 11 – Killer Clones from Outer Space

Mos Espa Spaceport, Tatooine

An old Corellian corvette sat alone in one of the outer fields of Mos Espa Spaceport. This particular corvette had begun life as a CR70 cargo transport. As it changed hands over the years, it received the CR90 refit and most recently had been illicitly modified to combat specs by its current owner. The ship did not have a name – such niceties simply didn't occur to "Hammer" as the corvette owner and ship captain liked to call himself.

The spaceport was quiet. Once a booming metropolis, Mos Espa no longer attracted the attention it once did due to the ban on pod racing imposed by the Empire. Its reputation as a den of thieves had transferred to Mos Eisley, which had taken over as the main space port on Tatooine. Though mostly law abiding these days, Mos Espa still had two remaining attractions for those who operated on the outer edges of society – junk dealers and few prying eyes.

Prowling through the junk yards had paid off. Hammer stood by the large open cargo hatch awaiting delivery. And there it was. Through the wavering heat, a reconditioned Republic troop transport slowed as it made its approach to the corvette. The pilot neatly turned the transport, and began to slowly back into the cargo hold, letting the flight computer do most of the work aligning the transport to the very tight clearances. Finally clear of the hatch, the pilot went through his shutdown procedure and activated the magnetic clamps. Arm opened up the hatch and grinned out at Hammer. "Piece of cake," he announced. "The port thruster is a little off, but that's nothing that can't be recalibrated on our flight out."

"Then we're good to go," replied Hammer. "Let's button up." As Arm headed for the flight deck, Hammer banged the hatch control with his fist, watched as the hatch closed and double-checked the seal. A low growl began as the engines rumbled to life, the sound gradually increasing in pitch as the engines built up power during the preflight check. After completing the checklist and receiving final clearance from Espa Control, the corvette lifted off with a roar and headed into the clear blue sky, rapidly gaining altitude, leaving a vapor trail behind until it cleared atmosphere. Shortly afterwards, the ship abruptly disappeared as it made the jump to hyperspace.

"Time to change course," Hammer said.

Arm laughed. "Yeah, like you would ever set a direct course. Where to?"

"For now, set course for Brintooin, but you can expect another course change in an hour."

Arm worked his console. "Right, Brintooin is locked in and the autopilot engaged. Time for our briefing?"

"Yes. Alert our team, but the grunts stay in the dark."

In a few minutes, the core team gathered in the captain's cabin. Hammer switched on the wall display. "We have a GVA contract this time. This one's a bit unusual." He changed the display. "We're looking for a giant bug that's been associated with the disappearance of a patrol ship. The Imperials think it has something to do with the rebels."

"Ah hell Captain," Sweeper spoke up. "That's all they ever think. Couldn't be pirates or something else. Oh no, must be rebels."

"Who cares?" smiled Hammer. "Paint it 'rebel' and suddenly the money flows. That's the part that counts."

"Uh, Captain? This thing is big," said Arm, who had been studying the display. "A lot bigger than several Imperial class destroyers put together. What makes you think we can take it on?"

"I don't know if we can," Hammer replied coolly. "We'll need to be careful. But in our favor, there's no evidence the bug fired on _IP2745_. We're running a lot hotter and meaner than a simple patrol vessel, plus we have two transports now. If it is some kind of ship, we may be able to board it, gas the crew and bring it back as a prize."

"That's a lot of 'ifs'," commented Arm. "But as a prize for whom? Us or the Imperials? I'd bet that ship is worth a lot more than the contract."

"Exactly," grinned Hammer. "That's why I took on this contract in the first place. The Imperials have no idea what it is, and if it turns out to be worth something… well, that's when the real negotiations begin."

"Another problem, Captain," said Sweeper. "This info is a month old. How likely is it we'll find anything?"

"You've touched on another risk, which is why I got some advance money out of the GVA. I invested a little of that in an old spy-bot. The Imperials thought the bug was on its way to a particular planet. Here's the latest intel." Hammer changed the display again and grinned. "It's still there." Everyone leaned forward for a better look.

"And where is 'there'?" asked Sweeper.

"Arm? Time to change our heading. Set course for Dagobah and then get back in here. We have planning to do."

* * *

After a short visit the next morning, Stanley returned to the Lexx. With the nearest edible plants already harvested, Xev spent most of her day expanding her territory, carefully scouting her largest area yet around the big clearing. In the process, she discovered two more small ponds. One to the north seemed to be an extension of the Big Bad Pond, so she avoided it, but the other appeared to be as independent as her swimming pond. It appeared to be safe, but she would prefer Yoda's opinion before putting so much as a toe in first.

Late that afternoon it started to rain. Xev initially ignored this, and continued her survey. By the time she returned to the large clearing, the fire was long drowned out. Stanley had a point about needing to construct some sort of shelter – one that could keep a fire going even in rain. Xev retreated to her moth and sat looking out at the rain in the gathering dark. Beside her was a large leaf she used to collect fruits and nuts, and the small comm unit left by Stanley.

Not far outside was a vertical stick with the joke loincloth perched at the end flapping in the rain, where it had been hanging for the last two weeks as part of the weather exposure experiment. Xev jumped out into the rain, retrieved the loincloth and brought it back to the moth. The loincloth appeared to be in pretty good shape. Too bad this seemed to be the only cluster lizard skin left in existence. As she played with the loincloth, it occurred to Xev it could be shaped a bit like a pouch. She put the comm unit in the pouch she had formed, tied it to her waist with pouch turned to her right hip, and tried shaking it loose. The comm unit stayed put. At last, the loincloth had a practical use. Satisfied, Xev sat back and listened to the patter of rain on the moth canopy while nibbling her food. It was now too dark to see anything. Eventually Xev curled up as best she could and went to sleep.

By next morning the rain has slowed to a drizzle. Xev woke up feeling stiff, the comm unit digging into her side. She had finished off the fruits and nuts last night. She stretched, carefully climbed out of the wet moth and walked over to the campfire. Everything was soaking wet – she wouldn't be able to start a fire today. She briefly considered returning to the Lexx, but not knowing when Yoda would return motivated her to at least wait out one more day. She headed off into the forest to eat and expand her foraging territory.

A couple of hours later, her comm unit crackled. "Xev! Xev! Are you there?" said a panicky sounding 790, the sound loud in the forest, startling her.

Annoyed with 790, Xev pulled out the comm. "What do you want?" she said impatiently.

"Darling, we've got company! A ship has dropped into orbit catching us on the ground. Come back to the Lexx!"

"Tell Stanley to wake up Kai! I'm on my way." Xev crammed a handful of berries she had collected into her mouth and began running back to the clearing. She had been working her way through the forest slowly, but now that she was in a hurry, she was surprised at how far away she was. It took her a good ten minutes of running, heedless of branches and other obstacles to make it back. She banged open the canopy, practically leaped into the moth, and slammed the canopy shut while grabbing for the joystick. The moth took off, and she turned it heading east, barely missing the treetops at the edge of the clearing in her haste.

As the moth continued to gain altitude, Xev had a chance to evaluate herself. She was wet of course, but she also had small scratches all over. A few scratches were bleeding, blood mixing with raindrops, leaving a pattern of bloody streaks. It wasn't as bad as it looked, and it could have been a lot worse if she had tripped or run headlong into a thicket of thorns. Looks like I've been lucky, she thought to herself. She activated the moth comm system. "790 or Stanley, are you there?"

"We're here Xev." Stanley's face appeared on the small monitor. "790, will you stop bugging me? I'm trying to talk to Xev."

"I'm on my way back now. What's going on with the ship?"

"Oh… 790 says it launched a couple a shuttles several minutes ago, and he thinks one of them may be headed your way."

A bad feeling hit Xev, and in reaction she suddenly slammed the joystick, causing the moth to veer off sharply. Twin streaks of light flashed down through the spot she had been in moments ago, shattering a tree below. "I'm under attack!" Xev yelled, and began violently slamming the joystick around, bouncing around crazily in the sky as more streaks of light flashed by. She could hear 790 screaming in the background on the comm.

"What can we do to help?" asked Stanley.

"We need to take off now," Kai said in the background.

"Do what Kai says!" Xev yelled while continuing to slam the joystick this way and that purely on instinct, hoping she was doing the right thing. "Don't wait for me! You're a target on the ground. Go take care of that ship, and I'll meet you in orbit later." Xev turned and began to head back towards the clearing, the moth drunkenly lurching about as bolts of light continued to miss. Some of those shots were entirely too close for comfort – Xev could hear the hiss of raindrops exploding into vapor over the noise of the moth.

If she was going to fight, she wanted to do it on her terms if possible, and in familiar territory. Even this far away, Xev could hear a low roar as the Lexx finally lifted off. That provided enough of a distraction for her to forcibly land the moth in the shallow end of the Big Bad Pond. She jumped out of the moth and went into a cluster lizard roll, streaking through the clearing away from the moth at a much faster speed than she could have ever managed running.

At the forest edge, Xev uncurled and hid in muddy undergrowth, watching. A bolt of light hit her moth, burning off its large tail, disabling it. "Bastards!" she murmured to herself. The rain began to pick up again as some sort of shuttle came into view. It dropped altitude until it hovered about three meters off the ground dead center in the clearing. It began to slowly rotate in place, scanning the area. Xev quickly dug down into the soft wet mud as far as she could go, then froze as the shuttle turned towards her. Apparently that was enough, because no shots were fired as it swept past her position. The sweep completed, the shuttle sank down and landed in the clearing.

A large side hatch opened, and men in some sort of white armor began to jump out, all of them armed. Xev counted eight in all, though the shuttle looked like it was capable of holding more. Three of them headed for her moth and began poking around. One of the men climbed up into the moth. After a few seconds, a second man climbed in, while the third stood watch. With a sudden movement, the creature in the pond lashed out with its tail knocking down the man on watch. The water began to boil around him as the creature's young started to feed, a few lucky ones biting into the chinks between armor plating, chewing their way in. The man screamed out in pain and desperately pulled at his armor, which only made matters worse as more young dived into the widened gap. Before the men inside the moth could respond, the adult creature sank its teeth into the moth and dragged it out into the pond, diving for the bottom. All that was left were large bubbles rising in its wake as the other men ran yelling to the edge of the pond and began firing ineffectively into the water. Three down, five to go, thought Xev.

While the remaining men were gathered at the pond, Xev slowly lifted up from the mud and rolled over in place a few times coating herself thoroughly, and reluctantly dipped her red hair in it as well. She didn't know if it would help, but she hoped the mud would help confuse any sensors and make her harder to identify. Then she slowly backed up on hands and knees, finally disappearing deeper into the forest in a running crouch.

As the sound of blaster fire died away, a ninth man appeared in the transport hatchway. "Hey Sweeper! Check your comm," Booster shouted. "You weren't answering. I've picked up movement that way." He pointed in Xev's direction.

Sweeper was in a foul mood. First there was that insane pilot of the bug-shuttle who seemed to anticipate every shot he fired. There must have been some really sweet avionics on board to do that, so he sent his best men to investigate as soon as they landed. Now they were gone, and Booster was seeing things. "Come on," he waved his remaining men back to the relative safely of the transport. "What have you got?" he asked roughly as he reached the hatch.

"Something approximately human size was moving around over there," Booster pointed once again. "Maybe it was the pilot of that bug-shuttle."

"Or maybe it was something that ate the pilot," Sweeper shot back. "Turbo. Rooster. You're with me." They slowly walked to the edge of the clearing, blasters ready.

"Hey, look!" Turbo called out, pointing. There was an area of churned up mud. "Something was here all right."

"Okay," Rooter commented. "So this is some animal's favorite mud wallow. It doesn't concern us."

"It does if that was the pilot," replied Sweeper, who began a close scan of the area. "Although, if it was the pilot hiding here, you'd think I'd pick up on trace fibers left behind. No fibers. There is some trace blood, but this stupid scanner can't identify the type. I've got nothing."

"Not all species wear clothes," suggested Turbo. The other two simply looked at him. Turbo shrugged. "Wookies don't wear clothes."

"Wookies don't wallow in mud," replied Sweeper with an air of superiority.

Rooster grinned. "You know wookies – get a little mud in their fur and it's a non-stop bitchfest."

"Besides," declared Sweeper. "If a wookie went through these woods, we'd be seeing patches of fur left behind. Again, there's nothing."

"Not nothing." Turbo pointed to the ground. "There's a mud trail leading deeper into the woods, but it's disappearing fast thanks to this rain."

Sweeper raised his blaster. "I'll take point. Rooster, you're in the rear. Let's go."

The mud trail started off relatively easy to follow, but with each passing minute the clues became fainter and fainter, until Sweeper finally had to admit to himself he was simply searching now, not following. He doggedly continued on for several more minutes hoping the pick up the trail again. As he was reaching the point of calling off the search, there was a bright flash in the sky above, and with it came a loud squeal over their comm gear, causing all three men to stop in their tracks.

"Tango-2 to Sweeper. Are you there?" called Booster.

"Sweeper. Go."

"I've just lost contact with our ship!"

"There may be fighting in the ionosphere. Keep trying to raise them."

"Roger that. Tango-2 out."

Rooster was idly looking around. "Hey Sweeper!" he said, pointing at the tree trunk beside him with his thumb. "Is that mud?"

Sweeper wasn't exactly sure what he saw, but something dropped out of the tree at that moment and snapped Rooster's neck. He was dead before he hit the ground. The filthy creature crouched over Rooster's body resembled a human female. It looked straight into his eyes and let out a high-pitched screech that chilled him. As he raised his blaster – seemingly in slow motion – he heard a more familiar sound from behind – the sound of an activating light saber. The sound triggered memories of an overriding order, one that had to be obeyed – Order 66. Sweeper turned back towards the sound, and saw Turbo lying dead, a small Jedi standing by his body, light saber at the ready. As he aimed his blaster at this new threat, his neck was snapped from behind. Sweeper joined his men on the ground.

Yoda was a bit uncertain who or what was standing in front of him until the muddy figure gave him a big smile and said, "Hi Yoda!" with a friendly wave.

"Ah, Xev," said Yoda. "Recognize you I did not." He pointed at the bodies. "Can you remove their helmets?"

"Oh sure," replied Xev, who sat down next to the nearest body and began tugging away. With reluctance, the helmet pulled off, and Xev found herself staring at the face of an older man, attractive in a rugged sort of way, perhaps in his mid-fifties and in excellent physical condition, with short graying hair. "Aw," said Xev. "Too bad. He was kind of cute. If he had been nice instead of mean, I would have definitely done it with him." She went to the next body and pulled off the helmet. "Are these guys twins?" she asked as she found herself looking at the same face. She moved on to the third body, and again saw the same face after pulling off the helmet. "What's going on here?" she asked, puzzled.

"Clones," Yoda replied darkly. "Left over from the war. Mercenaries they are. Gender neutralized to maintain strict control. No interest in females. And trained they are to resist Jedi mind tricks."

"Gender neutralized?" Xev looked down at the clones, disappointed. "What a waste."

Yoda pulled out his light saber, activated it and sliced open two of the bodies. He put away his saber, pulled back a sleeve and began to feel around in the guts of the first clone.

Xev was absolutely shocked at this behavior. "What are you doing!" she exclaimed.

Yoda held up a small device. "Friend versus foe identifier, this is," he explained. He wiped off the device and tossed it to Xev, who caught it automatically. "Need these, we will, if a defense perimeter has been established."

* * *

Hammer couldn't believe their luck when they arrived in the Dagobah system. In spite of his latest intel, he still half-expected the giant bug to be gone. But there it was, sitting on the surface, a trail of devastation behind it. He had immediately implemented their plan, ordering both troop transports launched for a surface recon. Hammer and Arm were together in Tango-1, flying in formation with Tango-2, Sweeper's transport, when they detected a small shuttle heading for the giant bug ship. Hammer sent Sweeper after the shuttle, while they continued on approach to the main prize.

That was when things started to go wrong. The bug lifted off the planet and it was all they could do to keep up as it gained altitude. He ordered his corvette to open fire, hoping that might at least slow the bug down. Meanwhile, Hammer got a report from Tango-2 that three men were lost almost immediately upon contact with the planet, and Sweeper had charged off after what they presumed was the pilot of the small shuttle. The bug ship did indeed seem to slow down, but that, as it turned out, was not a good thing.

It was hard to appreciate the huge scale of the bug ship. What from a distance appeared to be a pattern of compound eyes turned out to be a series of large domes, each one big enough to park a small ship inside. They all began to open – an ominous sight. Hammer witnessed what appeared to be bright sparks rise out of each dome and sweep across the surface of the "eyes," disappearing around the curve of the bug ship. He didn't understand was he was seeing until he spotted a wave of energy heading for his ship. One shot. A single, massive overkill of a shot, and his modified and well-shielded corvette disappeared in a bright flash.

Hammer was sure the bug would jump to hyperspace after that, but instead it surprised him by settling into orbit over Dagobah, completely ignoring his transport, which, he reflected, it could well afford to do. They approached the bug from behind and above, staying well away from the "eyes" while running scans, hoping to learn something about it. Unfortunately, most of the scans seemed to be reflected away, but they did spot what appeared to be a docking bay-sized airlock. It was more than big enough to accommodate Tango-1. As they approached the airlock with the intent of either overriding controls or burning their way through it, the lock simply opened.

Hammer and Arm looked at each other. "So much for security," Arm grunted as he piloted their way in. The interior of the ship was huge.

"This ship appears to be mostly hollow!" exclaimed Arm.

"I'm reading standard gravity and atmosphere," said Chopper. "We won't need any special gear."

"I want everyone fully suited up, just in case," ordered Hammer.

"Look down there," pointed Arm. "That looks like a landing pad, and it has three more of those bug-like shuttles."

"Destroy the shuttles and land on the pad."

"You got it Captain." In rapid succession Arm fired on each moth, reducing them to what looked disturbingly like piles of half-cooked guts. "Piece of cake," he said as he landed.

Chopper opened up the hatch. "Woof. Doesn't smell like cake to me!" he exclaimed as the stink of burning moths entered the transport.

"Chopper! What part of 'fully suited up' did you not understand?" yelled Hammer. "Put your helmet on!"

"Yes sir, Captain Hammer sir. Helmet is going on," grumbled Chopper. He jumped out of the transport and carefully looked around. "Clear!" he called out. Hammer and Arm joined Chopper on the platform, along with six grunts hired for the job. Hammer assigned one of the grunts to guard duty, and the rest spread out across the landing pad as they headed for a doorway. The first two grunts to reach the doorway went to either side, then counted off and swung in simultaneously each covering a different direction. "Clear!" Hammer assigned two grunts to this position, and lead his remaining men forward. They leapfrogged their way down the corridor, looking into any rooms as they found them. So far, the ship seemed empty.

"Where are the crew?" wondered Chopper out loud, and then he heard voices down the hall. Chopper held up two fingers in warning. Everyone quickly retreated back to a curve in the corridor and flattened against the walls.

"Xev can take care of herself," was heard floating down the hall.

"I know Kai, but we should check on her anyway. It's not like she has any weapons or anything."

At his signal, Hammer and the rest of the team stepped out into the middle of the corridor. "FREEZE!" he shouted at the two men. Everyone had their blasters aimed at the pair. The man in red cowered back, but the man in black stood his ground. That one is a soldier, Hammer thought to himself.

"Stanley, get behind me," ordered Kai. Stanley quickly obeyed. "Do not approach any farther or I will kill you all."

"Hold your fire," Hammer ordered. "I have this covered." He took a step forward.

"It's clear the man you are protecting is unarmed," Hammer called out. "We have you outgunned six to one. Drop your weapon now!"

"I will not," replied Kai, who raised his arm and aimed directly at Hammer.

Hammer fired his blaster, dropping Kai to the floor like a sack of rocks. "Check him out."

Chopper moved cautiously forward and ran his scanner over the body. "He's dead," he announced.

"You!" called Hammer to Stanley. "Who are you! And be quick about it or join your friend on the floor."

Stanley couldn't believe what he was seeing. "I'm just a fourth class security guard, that's all," he lied.

Hammer smiled. "Then you are expendable." He raised his blaster.

"WAIT! WAIT! WAIT!" cried out Stanley, holding his hands up defensively. At that moment, Stanley's right hand glowed brightly. A blob of light appeared to leap out of Stanley's hand and, in the blink of an eye, traveled to Hammer.

"What's this?" said Hammer, shooting Stanley forgotten. Hammer held up his hand. It flickered and glowed briefly before resuming its normal appearance.

"Okay, I lied," said Stanley, miserable. "I'm Captain of the Lexx. And that," he said, pointing to Hammer's hand, "is the key to the Lexx."

Hammer's eyes widened. "Arm, you're with me. The rest of you continue searching this ship. Split up into pairs. There's at least one other person on board we know of – someone named Xev – and there could be others." Hammer waited until the rest of his team was out if sight. "Tell me more about this." He held up his hand.

"Well, since you now have the key, that means you are Captain of the Lexx – this ship. You control it from the bridge."

"Show me the bridge."

"This way," said Stanley, pointed back the way he had come.

As they started down the corridor, Arm spoke up. "Does this mean we get to renegotiate the contract?"

"Oh yes," enthused Hammer. "Very few ships could have taken out my fully shielded corvette in just one shot. This ship did. I'll bet this ship could go up against a star destroyer and win."

As they walked onto the bridge, 790 rolled up. "Who are these people?" it asked, a look of disgust on its face.

"What's that?" asked Hammer, pointing with his blaster.

"That's 790, a robot head." Stanley turned to 790. "790? You be very nice. This is our new captain, and he has people searching for Xev. You know how good Xev is at hiding, right? I'll bet he'll never find her on this ship." Stanley nodded his head with exaggerated motion.

"Well of course they won't find her on the Lexx! My darling Xev won't be found here because…" 790 finally seemed to pick up on the hint. "…yes, because she's that good at hiding. No one is better!"

Hammer smiled. "We'll see about that." He looked at Stanley. "Tell me how this works."

Stanley pointed out the pilot station. "What you do is stand up there, wave your hand through the holoprint, and give the ship a command."

"That's all?" asked a disbelieving Hammer.

"Yup, that's all there is to it," replied Stanley.

Hammer gingerly stepped up onto the pilot's stand and faced outwards. Sure enough, a green holoprint appeared in the air. He passed his hand through it, and was rewarded by the holoprint turning red.

"Hello Captain," said the Lexx.

"Identify," ordered Hammer.

"I am the Lexx. I am the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes. I like to blow up planets."

"Did it say planets?" asked a shocked Arm.

Hammer looked at Arm and smiled. "Renegotiate the contract? Forget renegotiating the contract. With this ship, we can dictate terms. We can be a major power!" Hammer was silent for a moment or two. "What's happening down on Dagobah?"

"We lost contact with Tango-2 a few minutes ago. I've not been able to raise them," replied Arm.

"Then we have to assume they're lost. Time to put this ship's claim to the test." Hammer passed his hand through the holoprint again. "Ship? Target and destroy Dagobah!"

"NOOOO!" screamed 790.


	12. A Game of Clones

Chapter 12 – A Game of Clones

Xev and Yoda slowly crawled through undergrowth up to the edge of the clearing. It was still raining steadily. Visible were two clones guarding the shuttle.

"I counted eight when they first landed," whispered Xev. "Six are dead, so just those two are left."

"No," whispered Yoda. "Inside there is another. The pilot."

Xev silently cursed. "What now?"

"Distract the guards I will. The distraction…" Yoda pointed "… will come from there. Can you get inside the shuttle?"

"Yes," murmured Xev. "Hang on." She carefully turned over onto her back, untied the loincloth holding the comm unit and pulled it out from under her. She replaced the comm unit with the friend/foe identifier and wound the loincloth cord around her hand, so that the device would be held tight. She turned back over again. "Ready."

"Triggering the distraction now," said Yoda. He reached out with his mind, found his speeder bike, and Force-pushed the start button.

"Troopers to the rescue, HURRAH!"

The two clones instantly turned and began to advance cautiously in the direction of the sound, blasters out, their backs momentarily turned. "When this is over, you're going to have to tell me what that is," whispered Xev. She leaped up and began a cluster lizard roll, zooming across the field for the hatch.

Dagger had his scanner out looking for movement in the direction of the shout, wondering if Imperial troopers may have landed nearby. It would be just like them to show up and spoil a contract, he thought. He was momentarily puzzled when the scanner picked up movement all right, but it was from behind, moving rapidly towards the transport. He whipped back around and caught sight of something resembling a large wheel rolling. How did that thing get through the perimeter? He started to raise his blaster, but there was a second problem – something arching through the air directly towards him. The hairs rose on the back of his neck when he realized he was seeing a Jedi with an active light saber. Dagger managed to get off one shot, which the Jedi deflected back in his direction, hitting his partner whose back was still turned, focused on the shout from the woods. Then the Jedi was upon him swinging his light saber. Dagger tried to get off one more shot and found he was holding half a blaster, the front half falling to the ground. An instant later his arm, still holding the back half of the blaster, was falling to the ground as well. Dagger was too shocked to understand the death blow when it came.

Xev reached the transport and soundlessly climbed in the hatch. As she moved forward she unwound her loincloth cord. She could hear the pilot. "Tango-2 to Base, come in…. Tango-2 to Base, come in…. What's that smell?" He started to turn just as Xev looped the cord over his head and around his neck. She pulled back, but not before he managed to get his right hand fingers between cord and neck. Xev pulled back as hard as she could, cord cutting deeply into his fingers as they were crushed into his windpipe. His left hand flailed back attempting to stop Xev, but his fingers found no grip on her slick, wet muddy body. The pilot's legs kicked hard into the console in front of him two or three times, until he was finally quite still. Xev held for a few seconds longer, then fell back, breathing hard, heart racing. In spite of having killed two other clones earlier by snapping their necks, she was having trouble believing what she had just done to the pilot. His death had a much more personal feel – a victory rush that both thrilled her, and simultaneously horrified her that she would feel thrilled about it.

Still keyed up, when Xev heard a slight sound behind her, she was instantly on her feet ready to fight. Yoda hoped up into the hatch and began rummaging through the equipment in the back of the transport. Xev took a deep breath and tried to calm her nerves. "What are you looking for?" she asked, curious in spite of everything else.

"Ah, this is it," said Yoda, holding up a hand-held device. "Planted self-burying mines, they did. Very dangerous. Destroy all this, we must. Come, come."

With that, Yoda hopped out of the hatch and headed for the forest, Xev following close behind. At the edge of the clearing, he turned and began to manipulate the control. As he did so, Xev noticed a series of spots arrayed in a wide circle around the transport where the ground appeared to be shifting and moving. After a couple of minutes, Yoda announced, "Finished, this is. Turned the mines around, I have. Ready?"

"Oh yes!" said Xev, excitedly clasping her hands together. Yoda pressed the manual detonate button, and all of the land mines in the clearing exploded inwards simultaneously. Xev felt a flash of heat across her entire body and her muddy hair briefly blew back in the shock wave. When the dust and smoke cleared, there was very little left of the clone shuttle. Even the original, damaged moth was gone as well.

"That," said Yoda with satisfaction, "is how you clear a mine field." But Yoda's satisfaction was short-lived as he felt a sudden ripple in the Force, as if everything around him had cried out. His odd dream of dead younglings from weeks ago rushed back to the fore. "No!" he said, staggering slightly.

Xev, not immediately noticing Yoda's distress, had a sudden urge to look up into the rainy sky. "I wonder what's happening on the Lexx?"

* * *

On board the Lexx, things occurred in rapid succession on the bridge. As Hammer finished giving his order to destroy Dagobah, Kai stepped onto the bridge from behind, and without hesitation fired his brace at the vulnerable point between Hammer's helmet and shoulders, nearly severing his head. In a flash of light, the key to the Lexx returned to Stanley. As the brace looped back on its return trip, it hit Arm's helmet, shattering it but otherwise not harming Arm as he rolled to the floor and brought up his blaster, taking aim at Kai. Arm opened fire, hitting Kai with several rapid blasts. Arm was shocked when there seemed to no change – Kai simply stood there. As he automatically glanced down at the blaster to check its setting, Kai fired his brace again, punching through Arm's forehead.

Stanley jumped over Hammer's body and up onto the pilot platform, desperately waving his hand through the holoprint. "CANCEL! CANCEL! CANCEL!" he shouted. "Lexx? Do NOT target Dagobah! Do you hear me? Do NOT target Dagobah!"

"Who is 'Ship,' Stanley?" asked the Lexx.

"What?" asked Stanley, looking both relieved and confused.

"My previous captain asked someone named 'Ship' to target and destroy Dagobah, but I do not know who 'Ship' is. I was going to ask who he meant, but he is no longer my captain. You are my captain now, Stanley."

"Never mind, Lexx. It doesn't matter now." Stanley sat down hard on the pilot stand.

"Hurray for dumb bugs!" said 790, relieved Xev was not in immediate danger.

"Kai!" said Stanley. "I thought you were dead!"

"Yes, I am dead," agreed Kai.

"You know what I mean! I thought you were like, dead for real back there. As in, no longer functioning."

"I was not. There were too many armed soldiers to take on at once. You would have been killed if I tried. So I provoked their leader into shooting me, and 'played dead.' Once you were taken away, I had a free hand to act. The three soldiers left guarding the landing bay and their shuttle are now dead, plus these two." Kai pointed to Hammer and Arm. "There are still four more soldiers unaccounted for searching the Lexx in pairs."

"Well they can't be left wandering around," said Stanley. "They need to be stopped!"

"I suggest we use Tweedle as bait," piped up 790.

"Ha, ha! Very funny," replied Stanley sarcastically.

"Stan?" asked the Lexx. "I am picking up a transmission from the planet below. Do you want to hear it?"

"Yes Lexx – put it on," said Stanley, worried about who it might be.

"Lexx? Hello? This is Xev. Is anyone there?" Xev pulled the comm away from her ear as she heard the loud sound of both Stanley and 790 cheering.

"Xev my precious love muffin! Did those bad people hurt you in any way?" 790 wanted to know. "Because it they did," he growled. "I'll have words with them!"

"Yeah, me too!" piped in Stanley.

"Boys! Boys! It's okay. Yoda and I have already had an exchange of words with our visitors," Xev replied over the comm. "Let's just say they are at peace now." She looked over at the still smoldering clearing and shrugged. "Some in more pieces than others."

"That's my gal!" exclaimed 790. "But you're sure you're not hurt?" he asked anxiously.

"Well, I did get a scratch here and there," replied Xev. She looked down at her still muddy body. "And a bit of dirt under my nails. Nothing that can't be fixed with a hot shower. But enough about me. How are you guys?"

"Oh, we're fine," replied Stanley. "But there are still four more of these guys out somewhere in the Lexx. They just can't believe we're the only crew."

"Oh no! Tracking them down could take weeks!" exclaimed Xev, thinking about their recent hunt for dead cluster lizards.

"That's why I suggested using Stanley as bait," replied 790 rather starchily.

"Actually, that's not a bad idea," said Xev thoughtfully.

"I'm not volunteering to be bait!" declared Stanley.

"No, I mean the idea of bait," replied Xev. "Get them to come to us. It doesn't have to be you specifically. Whatever might motivate them. Didn't you say they're searching for more crew members?"

"Specifically, they're searching for you Xev. They think you're up here hiding somewhere, and we didn't have the heart to correct that assumption," Stanley said with a grin.

"Maybe we can use that," said Xev.

* * *

"Clear!" declared one of the clones for the umpteenth time after checking yet another empty room off yet another corridor. "This ship is both empty and endless."

"This ship is big enough to hide thousands," responded the second clone.

"Listen!" declared the first clone. They could both hear a soft pinging sound gradually getting louder. From around a curve they saw a small platform about the size of a "mouse" droid rolling down the hall, carrying what appeared to be a droid head. "Stop right there!" ordered the clone, and to emphasis the order he fired two blaster shots aimed just ahead of the object, leaving scorched marks on the floor. "Do not approach any closer or I will blow you to pieces!"

The object stopped. "I am called 790," it announced. "I have been ordered by my new captain to assist in the search and capture of all remaining crew members."

"I'll have to verify that," declared the first clone suspiciously, and motioned to the second clone to cover him. He tried his comm unit, but got no response.

"This ship is designed to block foreign comm transmissions," 790 explained smoothly. "If you want confirmation, you will need to walk to the bridge. That's where you'll find the captain."

The two clones hesitated. They didn't want to disobey orders and stop searching, but they also weren't going to accept any claim from 790 without confirmation, and with communications down that meant possibly interrupting their search to seek out their captain.

"If I might make a suggestion," 790 said in a neutral tone. "Up ahead is a junction and a corridor you haven't searched yet. If you turn left, that will take you back in the direction of the bridge. Once you are close enough, your communications should be reestablished. You can get your verification and any new orders."

"All right," said the first clone. "But you are to stay at least ten meters away from us. Approach any closer, and I will open fire and destroy you. This will be your only warning."

"Touchy," 790 muttered under his breath. "May I inquire as to why you want me to maintain a distance?" he said out loud.

"You could be carrying a personnel bomb," replied the clone.

"I have no desire to self-destruct!" exclaimed 790 with dignity.

"Your desires are irrelevant. You could still be carrying a bomb."

There was no point arguing with them. "Very well, I'll lead the way. When we reach the junction, which way shall I turn? Left towards the bridge, or to the right?"

"Turn right."

"You got it." 790 turned around and rolled off down the corridor, maintaining his distance. When he reached the junction, he obediently turned right, went ten meters down the corridor and stopped to wait for the clones. When the clones arrived at the junction, one reset his blaster to low power and used it to burn an arrow in the floor pointing back in the direction they came. Then they turned left heading for the bridge and away from 790. "Sneaky bastards," 790 muttered. He turned around and began to follow the clones at an even greater distance than before.

"What do you think you're doing?" demanded the first clone, aiming his blaster at 790.

"My orders are to provide assistance," replied 790. "I can't do that if I stay behind."

"And you will provide assistance, after we have confirmation. Until then, you are to stay here. If I catch you following us again I will shoot you on sight. Is that understood?"

"Understood." 790 turned back around again and headed away from the clones until he was out of sight. He opened a channel to the bridge. "I've got two 'visitors' searching back in the direction of the bridge. They were too suspicious to allow me to accompany them, but I estimate they should arrive at the cryochamber in about ten minutes, and the bridge maybe fifteen or so minutes after that. They have also been using their weapons to burn trail marks on the floor."

Stanley laughed. "That won't last long. The Lexx will heal up in a few minutes."

"Well duh!" said 790, rolling its eyes. "But they don't know that, and I'm not about to tell them."

"Good," replied Kai. "Can you track down our other two visitors?"

790 gave a snort. "Well of course! I'm heading for the other pair now." 790 broke the comm link and headed off in the opposite direction from the two clones he sent to the bridge.

Meanwhile, the clones continued cautiously down the corridor. At least the strange droid head on a rolling platform had stopped trying to tag along. After checking out a couple of empty rooms, they came to a larger room containing what appeared to be man-sized transparent coffins canted back a few degrees from bolt upright.

"What do you think?" said the first clone.

"I don't know…. It reminds me of a carbon freezing facility, although I've never seen anything quite like this," replied the second clone.

"No, I mean, do we destroy this equipment, or leave it intact?" asked the first clone.

"If the Captain has control of this ship, then we should leave it intact," responded the second clone. "This technology could be profitable."

"Agreed. Let's move on," said the first clone. They left the chamber and continued down the corridor. After another minute, they came to a T-intersection, with side corridor branching off to their left. On the floor was a freshly burned arrow pointing down the side corridor.

"Do you remember searching this side corridor?" asked the first clone.

"Not specifically, but these corridors all look alike to me," replied the second clone. "It could have been the other team." The clone paused to burn second arrow on the floor, this one pointing down the corridor they had just explored. "Let's move on. We should be getting close to the bridge." Together, the two clones continued down the main corridor.

Stanley and Kai stepped out of the shadows in the side corridor, both armed with blasters taken from Hammer and Arm. "Whew, I was sure they were going to follow that arrow you burned in the floor," said Stanley.

"No," replied Kai. "As I've explained, the arrows point to already explored corridors, or back the way they came. Come on." Both Kai and Stanley entered the main corridor walking quickly and quietly. They soon had the two clones in sight, sneaking up behind them.

As they closed the gap, Stanley suddenly sneezed, the sound loud in the quiet. Both clones froze in their tracks and started to turn around. "Oh shit!" Stanley said. He closed his eyes and squeezed the trigger on the blaster. The blaster erupted into full auto as Stanley moved it back and forth, sending a barrage of bolts mostly down the hall.

"Stanley! Cease fire!" yelled Kai over the noise of the blaster.

Stanley released the trigger and opened his eyes. There were scorch marks all over the floor, walls, and ceiling. Most importantly, the two clones lay prone on the floor, smoke curling up from their bodies from multiple hits. "Hey! I got them!" exclaimed Stanley. Then Stanley noticed a small red indicator blinking on his blaster. "Any idea what that means?"

"I expect it means you have exhausted the power supply in that weapon, which is why you should avoid shooting in full automatic mode," replied Kai. "Here, you can have mine." Stanley tossed his exhausted blaster aside and took the one offered by Kai.

"Do you think we should go look for those other two visitors?" asked Stanley, emboldened by his success.

"I think we should stick to the plan, and give 790 time to track down the last two visitors," replied Kai. "We should return to the bridge."

"All right," said Stanley. He gestured at the bodies as they stepped past. "These weapons aren't too bad, but a blackpack would have disintegrated them. Less chance for discovery before the Lexx recycles the bodies."

"There is a blackpack on board the Lexx," replied Kai as they walked on. "But it is lost somewhere in the pit below the bridge. We don't have time to look for it. These weapons will have to do."

* * *

"Chopper to Hammer, come in." Chopper tapped his comm unit and tried again. "Chopper to Hammer, come in." Chopper sighed. "This thing is useless," he complained to his companion. He pulled off his helmet, hung it on a utility hook on his belt and shifted it behind him. "That's better."

"Sir, our orders are to remain fully suited up," his companion reminded him.

"Captain Hammer isn't here, now is he?" shot back Chopper. "That's the difference between a grunt clone and an officer grade. You just let me do the thinking, got it?" Chopper heard a faint pinging sound coming from behind them, getting louder. He whirled around, blaster ready. "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what sir?"

"The sound your helmet is blocking. Turn around. Something is coming up from behind. Follow my lead."

From around a curve in the corridor came an odd sight – a droid head riding on a small carrier. Chopper found the sight amusing. "Now I've seen everything," he muttered. "Hold it right there!" he called out.

The droid head came to an immediate stop. "I am called 790," it said. "I have been ordered by my new captain to provide assistance in your search for remaining members of the old crew."

"Is that right?" replied Chopper as he pulled out his scanner. He ran it up and down on the droid head. "Okay, you may approach."

"What?" asked a surprised 790. "No concerns I might be carrying a bomb or something?"

"No, I'm not concerned. I just scanned you, and I know you're clean. You say the captain sent you? Now who might that be?"

"The captain of the Lexx – this ship. Whoever holds the key to the Lexx is captain, and I am programed to follow the orders of the captain."

"And what is the name of your captain?" replied Chopper.

"I'm sorry, I did not ask at the time, and the new captain did not tell me his name. One of the men who came to this ship has the key now. I was simply ordered to provide assistance. But speaking of which, what's your name, if I may ask?"

"I go by Chopper. Hmm. That does sound like our captain." Chopper paused in thought. "Say, this key. Would it look like a bright blob of light moving from one person to another?"

"Yes, exactly! Whoever has the key controls the ship, and its service robots like myself."

"And how does one acquire this key, exactly?" asked Chopper with slightly narrowed eyes.

"Essentially, the key will transfer to another living person in moments of extreme stress. Typically this means if the captain is on the verge of death or threat of death, but it can also transfer at the height of particularly intense sexual ecstasy."

"Well, I think we can rule out sex," replied Chopper, mostly to himself with a look of amusement in his eyes. "But I think we should confirm your story about being sent to help. Don't you agree?" The last question was directed to his companion, who simply nodded his agreement.

"But the problem is," Chopper continued, "I've already tried contacting our captain without success."

"Yes," replied 790. "That would be because the Lexx is designed to suppress foreign comm systems. I'm afraid you'll need to be in close proximity to the bridge in order to reestablish communications."

"Then we'll just have to work our way to the bridge." Chopper pulled out his scanner and looked at the display. "Right," he said to his companion. "I want you to take point. Let's keep this little droid between us. Move out." Chopper pointed down the corridor back in the direction 790 had come.

As his companion moved out ahead, Chopper raised his blaster and fired three rapid shots into his back, dropping him to the floor. Chopper moved forward, jammed the muzzle under the helmet, and fired two more bolts into his former companion's head.

"What was that about?" asked a surprised 790.

"He was just a grunt. I can't have him interfering when I take over as captain, now can I?" replied Chopper with a grin.

790 smiled back. "You will make an interesting captain, Captain Chopper," it replied as they continued down the corridor.

Along the way, 790 opened a channel to the bridge. 790 was easily capable of carrying on two separate, simultaneous conversations – an external verbal conversation with Chopper, and an internal comm link conversation to the bridge, with Chopper none the wiser.

"Hi guys," 790 said over the channel. "We're down to one visitor now. The guy I'm with just shot his own buddy in the back. He's ambitious, and wants to take over as captain of the Lexx."

"Does that mean a change of plan?" Stanley wanted to know.

Chopper meanwhile, pulled out his scanner again. His eyes narrowed. "What are you doing?" he said to 790.

"I'm scanning nearby chambers off this corridor," 790 replied to Chopper. "To look for any stray crew members, Xev in particular."

"Uh oh," said 790 over the channel. "I think he's picked up on my link to you with that damned scanner of his. At least the other pair didn't have a scanner."

"Really?" replied Chopper, the skepticism clear in his voice. "Because what I'm seeing looks more like a carrier signal than a scan."

"Tell him you're tied into the Lexx," suggest Kai.

"It is a carrier signal," 790 said to Chopper. "I have a rather limited scan capability. I get my information from the Lexx itself, from its sensor network, both internal as well as external. For example, I can tell you no ships have been detected inside of 10 light years, and that the immediate surrounding chambers on this corridor are empty."

Chopper used his own scanner to examine the immediate area. It didn't do very well trying to scan through walls, but as far as he could tell, the droid was telling the truth about no one being nearby. "How many people are on the bridge?" he asked.

"Two," came the immediate response, which was technically true.

"What about that third man dressed in red, the prisoner?" Chopper wanted to know.

"He was taken to the bridge, but once he was no longer needed, he was placed in a cryopod in the cryochamber for future questioning."

"Stanley," 790 said over the comm channel. "I just said you've been stored in a cryopod. I suggest you hustle down to the cryochamber now, in case this guy decides to check up on my story."

"Oh man," complained Stanley. "Why'd you have to tell him that?"

"Would you rather I'd said you'd been killed after you were no longer useful? Don't make me wish I had. Get moving!"

"No need to get elaborate," replied Kai. "Stanley, stay on the bridge. 790, I need to know your likely route."

"Where is this cryochamber?" Chopper asked.

"It's on the way to the bridge," replied 790. "We can stop by along the way."

"Yes, let's do that," replied Chopper. "Tell me if you pick up on anyone along the way, and I mean anyone, not just former crew members of this ship."

"Yes sir!" 790 said to Chopper. Over the comm channel, he said, "We're on our way to the cryochamber. Main corridor."

As they continued down the corridor, Chopper had more questions. "So this key to the Lexx… when the key transfers, does it always jump to the closest person?"

"Most of the time, yes, but I've also seen it bypass the closest individual and transfer to someone further away."

"So really, in the event something… stressful… happens to the current captain, the key might transfer to anyone on board this ship."

"In theory that could happen," conceded 790. "Although it's unlikely."

"What about that prisoner in cryo?"

"Anyone in cryo at the time of key transfer is not going to register as alive, so no, the key would not transfer to them," said 790.

"I've changed my mind. The prisoner in cryo is a low priority. What about this Xev?"

"What about her?" inquired 790.

Chopper came to a stop and aimed his blaster at 790. "Cut the crap. You said you don't scan directly – you tap into the ship's sensor network. That means you can scan the entire ship in seconds from anywhere. No need to go on an actual search. I want you to tell me where this Xev is right now."

"A moment please…" 790 said, and provided a distraction by changing its three small monitors from displaying the usual eyes and mouth to showing a bunch of random one's and zero's for a couple of seconds, then reverted back to displaying eyes and a mouth again. "Xev is approximately four kilometers behind us, about midway in the tail section."

"Hmmm. I suppose that's far enough away. I'll deal with her later," said Chopper, half-turned, looking back the way they came.

"Then you will deal with me," said a voice. Chopper whipped back around, blaster ready, and was astonished to see a man in black standing in front of him. The same man Captain Hammer shot. The same man he himself had scanned and pronounced dead. With a feeling of dread, Chopper opened fire with his blaster, and was shocked when the man simply stood there, taking the shots, apparently unaffected. Chopper finally stopped firing when the futility sank in, and he noticed the man's clothing looked charred where multiple blaster bolts hit. That made him feel slightly better, but that slight feeling evaporated as the clothes appeared to self-repair right before his eyes. In moments, the charred marks were gone.

"My turn," said Kai without any change of expression. He took a step forward. Chopper tossed away the blaster, pulled out a large knife and threw it, hitting Kai dead center in the chest. Kai stopped to pull the knife out, which gave Chopper time to ready his next weapon.

With a flash and a hum, Chopper was holding an activated light saber. "Got this little souvenir off a dead Jedi during the war," he said as he whipped the blade back and forth, causing the light saber hum to change in pitch. "Let's see how you do against this!" he said as he lunged forward swinging the light saber, the blade slicing through Kai's left arm above the elbow and partway through Kai's chest. Chopper leaped back, and felt triumph when the arm fell to the floor with a thud. He grinned at Kai.

Chopper's grin vanished when Kai didn't respond with any sign of pain or shock. There was no blood either – just a bit of slightly yellowish clear goop. A brief glow appeared where the blade had sliced into Kai's chest, and suddenly that damage was no longer visible. Kai simply reached down, picked up his arm, and held it to his stump. There was another momentary glow, and the arm was reattached and back in working order.

"What sort of thing are you?" said Chopper, breaking out into a nervous sweat as he slowly backed away, holding the light saber in front of him.

"I was once a man like you. I died defending my world and was remade into a Divine Assassin," Kai replied as he slowly began to advance. "As an assassin, I've killed mothers with their babies. I've killed great philosophers, proud young warriors, and revolutionaries. I've killed the evil, the good, the intelligent, the weak, and the beautiful. I have done this in the service of His Divine Shadow and his predecessors, and I have never once shown any… mercy," Kai said as he continued his slow approach. "You cannot kill me – I am already dead."

"No! That's impossible!" cried Chopper as he continued to slowly back away, his entire attention on Kai, the tip of the light saber pointed straight at him. Chopper did not notice 790 quietly roll up behind him and turn sideways, blocking Chopper's feet.

"The dead do not care what you think," replied Kai. "And you scanned me. Your scanner said I was dead." Kai took another step forward.

Chopper stepped back, his foot hitting 790. Chopper lost his balance and fell backwards to the floor, arms flailing as he went, losing his grip on the light saber. As chopper hit the floor, the light saber automatically switched off and rolled away just out of reach.

Kai loomed over Chopper, holding out his arm. "Join me," he said, and fired his brace, killing Chopper.

"Will you get me out of here?" called out 790, rolling slightly back and forth between Chopper's legs. "I'm trapped!"

Kai reached down and easily lifted 790 clear of Chopper's body and set him back down again.

"Let's go to the bridge," 790 said as he rolled off. "I want to know how Xev is doing." Kai stood there momentarily, watching 790 as it rolled away. He reached down, picked up the light saber, and walked on.

"Hey! Security guard!" 790 called imperiously as he rolled onto the bridge. "Call Xev. I need to speak to her."

"Well aren't you full of yourself," commented Stanley. "Besides, I tried a few minutes ago, and couldn't get her."

"Well of course you couldn't get her," said 790. "My love bunny doesn't have time for the likes of you!"

"Actually, she does," grinned back Stanley. "And I know exactly what's going on below, but if you don't want to hear it…."

790 growled. "All right. What's up with Xev?"

"What's the magic word?" replied Stanley with a smile.

"Die painfully, security guard!"

Stanley leaned over to look more closely at 790, smiling. "Wrong answer!" 790 practically shook with rage as its cart rocked back and forth.

Kai walked onto the bridge and observed 790's distress. "Is something wrong?" he asked.

"No, not really," replied Stanley.

"Yes there is!" said 790. "Kai, do me a favor and kill Stanley! Please?"

"Ah ha!" said Stanley, pointing at 790. "So you DO know how to say 'please'!"

"No, 790," replied Kai. "I will not kill Stanley."

"Stan? I am receiving a call from the planet," said the Lexx.

"Thank you, Lexx," replied Stanley while looking pointedly at 790. "Pleeeease patch it through."

"Hi guys!" said Xev over the comm.

"Hi Xev," Stanley managed to get in first. "How was your swim?" He smiled at 790, who growled again.

"I've got the mud off me now, but I could still do with a shower. So, I take it our visitors on the Lexx are no longer a problem?"

"You got it, my precious one!" said 790. "And I was instrumental in baiting them. Only one thing went wrong – Tweedle is still alive!"

"You wish!" said Stanley, no longer quite so amused with 790.

"Now now!" admonished Xev. "Remember what I said. I want you to work with Stanley, not plot against him."

"Oh! Can't a robot head do both?"

"No!" came the firm reply.

"Oooo! Your impossible demands make me so hot for you!" exclaimed 790.

"Settle down, 790," replied Xev. "The visitors down here killed my moth. Can someone come get me?"

"Not immediately," replied Kai. "All of the moths on the main landing pad were killed too."

"What about the moth on the bridge landing pad?"

"You took that one, remember?" replied Stanley.

"Oh, right," said Xev a bit sheepishly. "And Yoda blew up our visitors' shuttle. You should have seen it," she said with a grin.

"There's still the shuttle left by our visitors on the Lexx," said Stanley. "Maybe we can use that."

"I strongly advise dumping it into space instead," said Kai. "It is probably booby-trapped."

"Indeed," Yoda added over the comm, who was standing next to Xev. "A self-destruct countdown, it might have. A trick used during the war. Get that troop transport off your ship – your first priority, it is."

"Oh," said Stanley. "But once that's gone, then what?"

"Breed more moths," replied Kai.

"The Lexx can do that?"

"Yes. I will attend to the process."

"How long will it take to breed a new moth?" asked Xev.

"It is a combination of breeding and assembly," replied Kai. "If some moths are ready for assembly, a moth can be ready tomorrow. If not, it will take a few days. Up to a week perhaps."

Xev thought about it a moment. "Well, it can't be helped. Call me back when you have a better idea how long it will be, okay?"

"No problem Xev," replied Stanley. "We'll see you soon."

Xev ended the call and turned to Yoda. "What do you think?" she asked.

"I think," said Yoda. "Come to my home, you should, until you can be picked up. It is about a two or three day walk from here. We can try my speeder, but if it will manage the weight I know not."

"What's a speeder?" asked Xev, curious.

"Wait here and see," replied Yoda, who turned and walked off along the clearing edge. He soon disappeared into the underbrush.

"Troopers to the rescue, HURRAH!" There was that shout again. As Xev pondered the meaning of that, she saw the most extraordinary thing. Yoda came zooming up on a hot pink flying machine of some kind. Were those tassels hanging from the handlebars? Xev couldn't help it – she just had to smile at the sight.

"This," proclaimed Yoda, "is my speeder. Try climbing on the back."

As Xev approached the speeder uncertainly, she began to realize just how small it was. It seemed to be designed for a human child. She easily slung one leg over the speeder and gingerly sat down. As she added her weight to the speeder, its slight hum changed in pitch as it sank a bit, then rose slowly back up as the speeder compensated to stay airborne. Most of her weight was now on the speeder, but her bare feet were flat on the ground. "I'm not sure where I can put my feet," she said. If Xev reached forward, she could easily put her arms around Yoda and grab the handlebars for herself. "How do I hold on?"

"Put your feet there," said Yoda, pointed to a couple of bars sticking out Xev had not noticed before. "And hold on to your seat," Yoda finished. He gave her a moment.

With her feet on the bars, Xev's knees were actually sticking up higher than her seat. Rather than try to hold the seat, Xev found it easier to reach behind her and hold on to the fake ion generator that was jamming into her back. "I'm ready."

Yoda started off slow, circling around the clearing, no faster than a walk. "Alright are you?" he asked.

Xev found the experience thrilling. Sure the speeder wasn't going very fast, but she had never ridden on anything so open before. "I'm good. Just watch out for low branches when we enter the forest!" she replied.

Yoda increased speed, and turned, the speeder automatically banking. That caused Xev to gasp, until she realized it was really no different than a moth banking in a turn, and to just lean in with it. Yoda picked up a little more speed and headed for the wall of trees. Now Xev could distinctly feel the breeze on her face – across her whole body really. In spite of the warmth of Dagobah, the breeze made her feel cooler.

Yoda deftly steered the speeder between the trees as they left the clearing weaving gently back and forth as they went. "Still alright?" he asked again.

Xev felt like she had the hang of it now. "Yes, you can go faster if you want." The speeder surged forward, zooming through the trees. Her heart racing, she shouted, "How fast are we going?" just as Yoda dodged around a particularly large tree.

"About 30 kilometers an hour," he replied. "Want to go faster? Time it will save."

Xev was surprised. She had been sure their speed was a lot faster than that. Then again, there was nothing between herself and the elements, so their speed felt fast. "Yes, go faster," she said. The speeder surged forward again, the wind blowing Xev's hair back.

"This is as fast as I dare to travel with you on the speeder," Yoda shouted back to Xev. "About 50 kilometers an hour. At this speed, it will take just under an hour to reach my home." Xev let out a whoop as Yoda dodged another tree and the speeder zoomed off through the forest.


	13. The Big Sleep

Chapter 13: The Big Sleep

It was a relief to arrive at their destination. While the speeder bike ride started out fun, Xev had a renewed appreciation for the relative comfort of riding inside a Lexx moth. She was left feeling chilled after an hour of nearly constant fifty kilometer per hour wind. This was in addition to the occasional stinging smack of an unlucky bug colliding with bare skin during the ride, the footrests digging into the soles of her feet, and her fingers stiff and cramped from gripping the fake ion generator.

Yoda brought the speeder to a stop. "We are here," he said, and leaped off the speeder, leaving Xev bouncing slightly. "Come, come." Yoda called, motioning to a dome-like circular structure that seemed to grow out of the base of a very large tree. Surrounding the structure were half-filled pools that, during the rainy season, were filled nearly to the brim with water. Without waiting, Yoda turned and walked slowly towards the entrance, crossing what looked like a land bridge between the pools.

Xev took her feet off the bars and slowly stood up, stretched stiff muscles and flexed her fingers to get the blood circulating again. She carefully swung a leg over the speeder and looked around. They were in deep woods, gigantic, old, moss-covered trees towering all around. She could hear the cries and calls of creatures in every direction, and yet, somehow, it didn't sound as hospitable to her ears as did the inhabitants back at the clearing. There was something, some edge about this place that caused Xev to experience a shudder that had nothing to do with feeling cold from the speeder ride.

With a shake of her head, Xev quickly followed after Yoda. The circular doorway was so low Xev had to crawl in on hands and knees. She immediately felt better as she looked around and smiled. Everything was scaled to Yoda's diminutive size, giving Xev the feeling of crawling into a playhouse. The domed ceiling was too low for her to stand up, but at least there was enough height for her to walk bent over instead of crawling. She sat down close enough to the stove to feel its heat, where Yoda stood.

"Dagobah tea?" Yoda asked as he measured herbs into a pot and added boiling water.

"Yes please," Xev replied quickly while looking around. Yoda's home had a familiar, organic look, as if it had been grown instead of built – and perhaps it had been grown. The interior reminded her of the Lexx.

Yoda poured the mixture into two small mugs and handled one to Xev. "Something is bothering you, yes?" Yoda asked as he watched Xev.

Xev blew on the drink and took a hesitant sip. It tasted of ginger, lemon and a hint of something else. "This is good," Xev said as she sipped some more, and hesitated. "There's something about this place – not your home – your home is nice, but the surrounding woods. It somehow doesn't feel as pleasant… or friendly might be the word, as the clearing did."

Yoda's eyes widened and his ears perked up. "Oh," he said, pleased. "Noticed that did you? Good." Yoda waived his arm, encompassing the area around them. "Imprinted with the dark side of the Force, this part of Dagobah is. You feel it even without training."

"The Force has a dark side?" said Xev, dismayed. That idea had not occurred to her.

"Some debate this. No light or dark side to the Force, they claim," Yoda explained. "That which we call 'light' or 'dark,' a reflection of the person who uses the Force, it is." He paused has he took a sip of tea. "This I do not believe. Hundreds of years ago, a Dark Jedi fought and died not far from here. If just a reflection of the person the Force is, then long dissipated the dark influence should be. No. More to the Force there is than mere reflection."

"Does that mean this is a bad place to live?" Xev asked as she looked out a round window.

"No," Yoda replied. "Neither good nor evil, nature is. An echo of the past is what you feel."

"But still," Xev persisted. "You could live anywhere you want on Dagobah. Why live here when there are nicer places?"

Yoda sighed as he finished his tea. "So many questions. Too tired I am to continue. Must rest, yes. A busy day it has been."

"Oh, of course," responded Xev as Yoda walked to his bed. He climbed in, pulled up the covers, and to Xev's surprise, was asleep in seconds. With nothing better to do, Xev carefully got to her feet and explored around Yoda's house. She found an alcove with bedding large enough for her to sleep on. Apparently, Yoda was prepared for the occasional human-sized guest. Glad to be able to stretch out, Xev was soon asleep herself.

* * *

The beeping of Xev's comm unit woke her up the next morning. She hurriedly switched it off to stop the beeping and crawled out the door. Once outside she straightened up and turned the comm unit back on, only to have it beep once again before she could call the Lexx. "What?" she yelled at the unit, feeling irritated.

"Hey Xev. Are you awake?" came Stanley's cheerful voice.

Xev suppressed an impulse to throw the comm unit as far away as possible. "Well duh! What do you want?"

"Oh! Sorry. I just wanted to let you know as soon as I heard that it's going to be about five days before the first replacement moth will be ready. Kai plans to breed parts for a good ten or twelve moths so we'll have plenty on hand."

Xev thought about it. "Okay, that's fine, as long as they're not all bunched together like before, just waiting to be destroyed."

"Way ahead of you. Kai's idea is to leave a couple of fully assembled moths plus parts for four more stored in the moth breeding chamber, and split the rest between the main landing pad and bridge landing pad."

"All right then, thanks for the news. See you in five days." Xev broke the connection and stretched, looking around her. There was still that strange sense of foreboding, but at least she knew the cause now. Her stomach rumbled, reminding her she hadn't eaten since yesterday, wiping away any concerns about the dark side of the Force. _Perhaps I can find something fresh for us to eat_, she thought to herself.

Less than an hour later, Xev crawled back through doorway, a double handful of leafy greens and tubers clutched in her hands. Yoda, she was surprised to find, was still asleep, so she busied herself investigating the kitchen area. She soon had a vegetable soup cooking on the cooktop. Xev was sure the aroma of cooking food would stir Yoda awake, but it didn't. She quietly checked on him. He was breathing steadily and even seemed to be dreaming, so Xev left him alone. She finished off a bowl of soup and went back outside, determined to continue familiarizing herself with this part of Dagobah.

She scouted the area, slowly spiraling out from Yoda's home. After an hour she came across a large pond around the same size as Stanley's Big Bad Pond. She wanted to swim, but was the pond safe? Yoda wasn't around to ask. Xev closed her eyes and imagined swimming. She didn't like the feeling it gave her. She snapped her eyes back open, and there in the water she could make out something big just below the surface. It slowly sank down out of sight without causing a ripple. She mentally crossed this pond off – at least for swimming – and gave it wide berth as she continued her exploration.

By late afternoon, as a few slanted rays of sunlight flickered through the trees, Xev made her final return trip to the house, this time bringing back two fish to add to her growing harvest. The plants collected earlier had been added to the growing pot of soup, along with a few dried herbs Xev thought might add to the flavor. After preparing and pan-frying the fish, she once again checked on her host.

"Yoda? Would you like something to eat?" she tried. Yoda stirred and rolled over. "You've been sleeping all day…."

Yoda opened his eyes, and seemed to have trouble focusing on Xev. "Must rest for now… yes," he groggily replied, and closed his eyes again. Not knowing what else to do, Xev left him alone and ate her meal. That evening she lay awake in bed, but eventually fell asleep to the patter of rain which began sometime in the night. Listening to the rain was much more enjoyable when one had a warm, dry, comfortable shelter.

* * *

It was still raining steadily in the morning. Once again Xev tried to wake up Yoda, this time with a bit more success. He sat up in bed and ate about half a bowl of soup before insisting he was quiet full and needed to rest. Now Xev was really starting to worry. She took her comm unit and went outside in the rain to avoid disturbing Yoda.

"Hey Xev! What's up?" came Stanley's voice. He seemed his usual self.

"Xev my precious love bunny!" exclaimed 790. "It's been too long!"

"Hey listen guys!" Xev interjected quickly, hoping to forestall any chitchat. "I'm worried about Yoda. He doesn't seem to be himself. All he's done since we arrived at his place is sleep."

"Who cares about a talking frog?" 790 jumped in. "We know nothing about him! I'm concerned about you my sweet!"

"790 that's enough!" shouted Xev. "I don't want to hear any more out of you!"

"As obnoxious as 790 is," said Stanley, "he actually does have a point. We don't really know anything about Yoda's species. For all we know, this could be ordinary behavior for him and you shouldn't be trying to wake him up."

"Maybe," Xev replied slowly, "but I don't think so. What we need to do is to find someone who knows Yoda, and I think I know who. Is Kai there?"

"I am here," came Kai's familiar voice.

Xev took in a deep breath. Her friends weren't going to like what she had to say. "There's something Yoda told me in confidence about how to contact the rebels. Since I'm stuck down here, I'll tell Kai, but only Kai. Stanley and 790? I'm asking both of you to leave the bridge out of earshot. Kai? Please make sure they do."

"That's not fair!" exclaimed 790, sounding hurt.

"What's with the cloak and dagger stuff Xev?" protested Stanley.

"Look," said Xev, exasperated. "I don't really know how important it is to keep this secret, but Yoda clearly thought so."

"But honeybun!" 790 said. "I'm not weak like Tweedle! You can tell me! I can keep a secret!"

"No you can't," replied Xev. "Kai? Let me know when we are free to speak."

* * *

Stanley walked onto the bridge of the Lexx, carrying 790 under his arm. "Well, what now?" he said to Kai as he put 790 down on its rolling platform.

"Xev would like us to depart without delay for a planet called Alderaan," Kai said in a calm voice. "790, do you have the coordinates?"

"Of course I do!" 790 snorted indignantly. "But why should I tell you?"

"Excuse me?" said a startled Stanley, who looked suspiciously at 790.

"I think it's obvious Xev is under the thrall of that frog!" said an angry 790. "I say we stay here until a moth is ready, then fly down and take Xev away with us! My Xev shouldn't be left alone with that frog a moment longer than necessary."

Stanley sputtered, trying to keep his anger under control. "Of all the petty, self-centered…. You're jealous, aren't you? You're jealous of Yoda!"

"No I'm not!" shot back 790, glaring at Stanley.

"790," intoned Kai. "I do not believe Xev is in any danger, or I too would recommend staying. If you truly love Xev, you will do as she asks." Stanley had been about to add a comment, but instead quietly stepped up onto the pilot station, waiting to see what the temperamental robot head would say.

"Oh all right," 790 finally grumbled.

Stanley quickly passed his hand through the glowing holoprint. "Lexx, it's time to go. Set course for Alderaan. 790 will give you the coordinates."

"As you command, Stan," replied the Lexx. A minute later, the Lexx broke orbit and began to accelerate towards the galactic core.


	14. Alderaan

Chapter 14: Alderaan

On board the Imperial Star Destroyer _Apacaphion_, the last few weeks of picket duty had been relatively quiet. Captain Waed sat at his desk catching up on paperwork. The full-blown blockade of Alderaan he had feared had not come to pass. Instead, their duty had been to challenge ships entering the Alderaan system and demand copies of their passenger and freight manifests. A ship's manifest would be run through multiple authentication tests and compared to its official filing. If everything checked out, the ship was free to go. Only an occasional ship was actually searched to see if their declared contents matched reality, and most of those searches were based on tips received from Naval Command.

If things got really busy for _Apacaphion _and her sister ships, they only had time to run a cursory check before waving a ship on. That had not gone unnoticed by the locals. Ships, Waed reflected, used to arrive in a steady, manageable stream. Now there were long periods of quiet, followed by ships arriving in large convoys, justified by the pirate cover story Waed himself had told, all screaming for priority treatment. _Cagy bastards_, he thought to himself.

The next convoy headache wasn't expected for a few more hours, so Captain Waed was a bit surprised when the Condition Two alert began to sound, followed immediately by his intercom buzzing.

"Waed here," the captain called to his intercom as he stood up and put on his uniform jacket.

"Captain!" said First Officer Galicia. "We have an alert from _Minyada_. A massive ship of unknown origin has just entered the system. Sir? It's the bug ship!"

A chill ran down Waed's spine. "What's our status?"

"We are currently on the far side of Alderaan. Both _Minyada_ and _Dotrina_ are moving to engage."

"Set Condition One and advise _Minyada_ and _Dotrina_ to do the same. Until we know what we're dealing with, that ship is to be treated as a hostile war craft. Get us out of orbit and around Alderaan as quickly as possible. I'm on my way."

* * *

Stanley, Kai and 790 were on the bridge of the Lexx, watching the monitor as two wedge-shaped ships rapidly closed in on their position.

"Who's the welcoming committee?" Stanley asked. He didn't like the way they looked.

"Those are Imperial II class Star Destroyers, the backbone of the Imperial fleet," responded 790 as he tapped into the local network. "And they're bristling with weapons. Heavy hitters by local standards, but nothing the Lexx can't handle. Even combined, they have less firepower than the _Megashadow_ did."

"Well, okay then," Stanley said with a grin as he relaxed.

"Don't get cocky, security guard," retorted 790. "Each destroyer carries an array of fighters and troop transport ships. If they manage to land troops inside the Lexx, we're screwed."

"Stan?" said the Lexx. "I am receiving a transmission. Do you want me to put it on?"

"Sure Lexx. Let's hear what they have to say."

"…warning. Repeat. This is ISD _Minyada_ to unknown vessel. You are ordered to a full stop. Power down all engines and offence/defense systems, and prepare to be boarded for inspection. Any deviation from these instructions will be met with deadly force. This is your final warning."

"Open a channel Lexx," said Stanley as he stepped up onto the pilot's stand.

"As you command, Stan," replied the Lexx.

"To the ISD _Minyada_," said Stanley with a deliberately idle, condescending tone. "This is Stanley H. Tweedle, Captain of the Lexx. We're just here on a friendly visit. You know, to see what kind of girl action this planet has? But… we are not in the mood to put up with petty bureaucrats shouting orders to prove their own self-importance. Why don't you run along and go bother someone else?"

On board the _Minyada_, the captain was flabbergasted at the response. The nerve of them! "Is that ship shielded?" he demanded to know.

"If it is shielded sir, it's not shielded in any conventional sense. I'm afraid we can't really tell how vulnerable it may be. Most of our scans are being reflected away… and sir? They are showing no sign of slowing down."

"Fire a warning shot across their bow, main turbolasers. Let's see if that takes them down a notch."

"Firing sir." Multiple bright flashes just missed the Lexx.

The response that came next what not at all what the captain had hoped for. "Hey buddy," said that annoying voice over the channel. "Did I mention the Lexx is the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes? Just sayin'…."

"Captain, the _Dotrina_ reports they are ready to engage the unknown ship, and _Apacaphion_ will join us as soon as they clear Alderaan."

The captain had a predatory grin on his face. "Then let's teach them a lesson in humility. All batteries, open fire! Fire at will."

"Ouch! That stings," said the Lexx as both star destroyers began sending out a torrent of green flashes from dozens of turbolasers across each ship.

"Lexx? Line up and target both ships," said Stanley. As they watched the monitor the scene changed as the Lexx rotated so that both destroyers appeared to be at level, with the blackness of space behind them. On the monitor, a targeting line intersected both ships.

"I am ready," said the Lexx.

Stanley thought he heard a slight hint of eagerness in Lexx's normally monotone voice. Well, he wasn't about to disappoint. "Fire!"

"As you command, Stan."

* * *

On board _Apacaphion_, Captain Waed stood anxiously on the bridge. "Sir? We have cleared Alderaan," called a lieutenant.

"About time," Waed muttered, relieved. Out loud he said, "Open fire with everything we've got as soon as we're in range. Don't wait for my order."

"Yes sir!" replied Galicia.

"Sirs!" called out the senior sensor operator. "We're detecting a massive energy spike from the bug ship! I've never seen anything like it!"

As one, both Waed and Galicia turned to look out the bridge window. A heads-up tactical display was off to one side, projected onto the window for easy reference. Tiny swirls of lights seemed to pour from the compound "eyes" of the bug ship, which flowed down to the front and shot out in an expanding band of light. The band of light caught both _Minyada_ and_ Dotrina_ in a blinding flash. Waed blinked a few times to clear his eyes. Only the bug ship was still visible, and a quick glance at the tactical display confirmed his worst fears.

"Belay that last order! Turnabout and jump to hyperspace!"

"Course sir?" asked a slightly confused lieutenant.

"Just do it Lieutenant! Jump to hyperspace _now_!" A few seconds later the stars seemed to turn into streaks as _Apacaphion_ began its mad dash away from Alderaan. "Any sign of pursuit?" Waed demanded.

"No sir, the scope is clean."

"Let's not take any chances. Begin evasive maneuvers and keep your eyes peeled, people! Our survival may depend on it!" Waed began to pace along the bridge window. "Two ships and over seventy thousand personnel! Lost, just like that!" he said, snapping his fingers. He turned to Galicia. "Did I see that correctly? Did the bug ship really fire only one shot?"

"We can examine the data in more detail," replied Galicia, "but yes sir, that seems to be the case. We never stood a chance against that thing, never mind that patrol ship a few weeks back. What we need is a bigger flyswatter."

Waed mulled that over. "Yes, we do, don't we? Continue evasive maneuvers for another ten minutes. If there is still no sign of pursuit, set a direct course for Naval Command, best speed. This is going to cause one hell of an uproar, and I don't want to trust our report to a transmission."

Waed turned to address the bridge pit crew. "Listen up people! This incident is to be treated like an accident investigation, and we are going to do it by the book. I want all non-essential personal to back away from their stations right now. Leave your settings and displays as-is. Mr. Galicia and I will be coming around personally to lock and tag each station for later analysis. I want each of you to use your remaining shift to record your own, personal impressions of what you witnessed. That is all."

The level of conversation rose as about two-thirds of the pit crew stood up and began to file their way off the bridge. "Isn't that a bit of overkill?" asked Galicia, raising an eyebrow.

Waed sighed. "Probably, but no one at HQ is going to believe us until a forensics team pulls the sensor logs directly. This way we're keeping everything as above board as possible. There was nothing we could have done to change the outcome, and I don't want anyone accusing us of cowardice."

"Someone probably will anyway, you know."

Captain Waed grinned. "Now you're getting into politics. Leave that to me."

* * *

Stanley jumped and whooped for joy as the two wedge-shaped ships blew up. "All right Lexx! Way to go! A twofer! That was fun!"

"Yes, Stanley," replied the Lexx. "I enjoyed that very much, but I like to blow up planets even more." The Lexx turned and now had Alderaan in its sights.

"Yeah, right there with you buddy, but there's someone on this particular planet we need to meet. No planets today, I'm afraid." Stanley could practically feel the Lexx's disappointment as it shut down its targeting system.

"Stan? Someone else wants to talk to us now," said the Lexx.

"Well put them on, Lexx," Stanley said with a grand gesture.

"…to unknown vessel. Do you read? Alderaan Control to unknown vessel. Do you read?"

"Alderaan Control, this is Stanley H. Tweedle, Captain of the Lexx," Stanley said expansively. "How can I help you?"

"Actually sir, I was going to ask you the same. Do you intend to establish orbit? If so, there are some specific procedures to be followed..." There was some muffled conversation in the background. "One moment please…." A different voice came on the channel. "Hello friends!" the new voice said nervously. "I'm Victor Klein, Alderaan Control Shift Supervisor. We don't need to bother with those silly regulations! Not for the Heroes of Alderaan. Feel free to orbit anywhere! We'll be sure to route all traffic around you."

"The Heroes of Alderaan?" said Stanley with a silly grin. "Yeah… I like the sound of that. Say, Victor, you sound like a man of the world. Someone who has experience with the ladies, if you get my drift."

"I ah… well sure, whatever you say," replied Victor. "Why do you ask?"

"Well you see Victor, it's like this," replied Stanley. "I'm a man, and I have needs… needs that haven't been met in a long time. I was just wondering what the girls are like on Alderaan. Are they… friendly?"

"Sir?" said someone in the background. "Is this really an appropriate use of an official channel?"

"Will you shut up! I'm handling this!" Victor could be heard saying as he unsuccessfully muffled the microphone. "Sorry about the interruption," Victor said. "As a Hero of Alderaan, I think it's safe to say you will have a very… friendly… reception."

"Hot damn!" proclaimed Stanley as he clapped his hands together. "A civilized planet at last!"

"Is there anything else we can do for you?' Victor asked.

"There is," replied Kai as he stepped towards the monitor. "I have a private message for Bail Organa that must be delivered without delay."

"The Viceroy?" Victor said, sounding dismayed. "That's above my pay grade, but I'm sure we can arrange a secured communication channel for you. I'm not sure how long–"

"No," interrupted Kai. "The message must be delivered in person."

"And without delay," Stanley added sternly.

"I'll pass that along to the Royal Palace in Aldera. I can get you priority clearance to land a shuttle at the commercial landing pad nearest the Palace."

"Ah, well that's a problem," replied Stanley. "See, we lost all of our moths… well, shuttles as you say, in a recent battle. We have new ones under 'construction,' but it's gonna be a couple more days before the first one is ready, and this message is really, really important. Maybe this Gail Orgasma guy could meet with us here on the Lexx?"

"Bail Organa," Kai corrected with a sideways look at Stanley.

"Whatever," Stanley replied with a dismissive wave of his hand. "How about it, Victor?"

* * *

Bail Organa and a few senior members of the Rebel Alliance were gathered around a conference table at the Royal Palace, listening to Stanley's conversation with Victor Klein. Several monitors were displaying multiple camera angles of the Lexx, and what little technical information could be surmised from scans. "How about it, Victor?" Stanley could be heard saying.

"It's a trap!" yelled Commander Ackbar. His wall-eyed fish-like countenance caused him appear more panicked than he actually felt. "You should stay well away."

"Why not send a shuttle to this Lexx," suggested Mon Mothma, "and invite their representative down to the palace? That way you stay here, secure."

Bail Organa sighed. "I've been 'secure' in the palace for weeks, along with the rest of you ever since those Star Destroyers showed up with that flimsy 'pirate patrol' excuse. I don't know about the rest of you, but I see this as an opportunity." He looked around the table at the others. "This is the chance we've been waiting for, for you to slip away without being tracked or stopped by the Empire. Let's not waste this opportunity with endless debate."

The rebel leaders began to stir. Bail held up his hand to forestall further argument. "We're not going to win back the Republic by playing it safe. If going to that ship in person means we can establish an alliance with those people sooner rather than later, that's a chance I'm willing to take. Besides, I'll have a security team with me."

Mon Mothma wrinkled her nose in distaste. "And what about this Stanley 'I have needs' Tweedle? What do we do with him?"

Bail Organa smiled broadly. "Don't we all have needs, Mon Mothma? However crudely put, this Stanley Tweedle is simply being forthright, which means he's probably not good at keeping secrets. All we have to do is keep him entertained, and we'll soon learn everything he knows."

"Then we shouldn't tell him any of our secrets," replied Mon Mothma coolly. "In case he's ever captured."

Bail nodded to Mon Mothma. "Agreed." He clapped his hands together. "Now then, I will proceed immediately to this Lexx ship. Security teams have been dispatched to sweep the system for Imperial spy-bots. Once they give the all-clear, the rest of you can get off planet and back into the thick of it. May the Force be with you."

There was a scraping of chairs as everyone stood up. As most of the rebel leaders filed out of the conference room, Mon Mothma walked over to Bail Organa and laid her hand on his arm. "I hope you're doing the right thing, Bail," she said quietly.

Bail Organa gave her a slight smile. "So do I, Mon. So do I."

* * *

Stanley Tweedle stood nervously beside Kai on the Lexx's main landing platform. "I hope we're doing the right thing inviting this guy up here. How was I to know he's, like, the King and President of this planet all rolled into one?"

"I do not believe those are his titles," replied Kai. "And inviting him here seemed the most expedient thing to do."

A small shuttle approached the landing platform. "Yeah, well, things didn't go so well with our last visitors," Stanley grumbled.

"Our last visitors were not invited," Kai pointed out as the shuttle landed. As the whine of turbines dropped in pitch, a side door opened up and two heavily armed men stepped out, wearing helmets and white armor disturbingly similar to the armor worn by the clones. After looking around for a bit, one of the men tapped his helmet, and two more identically dressed, armed men stepped out.

Stanley leaned sideways towards Kai while continuing to face the scene in front of them. "This is not looking good," Stanley whispered out the side of his mouth. The four men lined up, two on either side of the shuttle door, and a fifth man stepped out whose white helmet and armor were marked with blue highlights. This man walked directly up to them, pulling off his helmet as he came. He was perhaps in his late twenties with dark hair and dark eyes, an easy smile and flashing white teeth.

"Greetings!" he called. "I am Major B. J. Organa of the Alderaan Guard." He grinned and waved to the shuttle. "May I present my uncle, Prince Bail Prestor Organa, Viceroy and First Chairman of Alderaan."

An older man in his mid-sixties with greying hair and a neatly trimmed goatee stepped out of the shuttle and held himself up straight. His flowing blue robe stirred slightly as he moved forward to make his own introduction. Bail Organa quietly greeted Stanley with a firm handshake that left Stanley wincing slightly.

Kai solemnly shook hands with Bail Organa and said, "I have a message for you."

"So I've heard," replied Bail Organa with a smile. "And what is the message?"

"We have just come from Dagobah," replied Kai in a low voice. "A mutual friend is not doing well. One of our crew members, a woman named Xev, is attending to him. She's doing her best, but she does not have any medical training. We believe he may be in need of a doctor's attention."

Bail Organa's smile was gone in an instant. "I see," he said as he considered what he was told. "And how do I know you have actually met my friend? These are perilous times, and I must be certain."

Kai leaned forward, whispered in Bail Organa's ear and stepped back. Bail nodded his understanding. "Thank you," he whispered back. He turned to his nephew and said, "Call the palace and tell them to prepare my personal cruiser. I must leave immediately and will be gone for the next few days."

"May I ask where you will be, Uncle Bail?" asked a startled Major Organa as he pulled out his comlink.

"You may not! Oh, and have a medical droid and as many emergency rations as can fit put on board as well," replied Bail Organa. He turned back to Kai and Stanley. "I'm sorry to be leaving as soon as we've met, but what you told me has me concerned."

"Now hold on Prince," Stanley protested. "We can take you there in the Lexx. We could leave right now if you like!"

"Thank you for the offer," replied Bail Organa, "but the fact is you stirred up a hornet's nest when you took out those Imperial destroyers. Your ship doubtless has the attention of every spy-bot hidden in our system. It would be better not to immediately return to… our friend's location. Small cruisers, on the other hand, come and go from Alderaan all the time. One more won't be noticed. I'd rather you stay here for the next few days, at least until I return. Your presence will also help keep Imperial forces at bay, at least in the short term, as well as focus their attention here, away from other activities." Bail smiled. "Besides, I have directed hospitality arrangements to be made for you down in Aldera."

"I have no need for hospitality," Kai stated flatly. He looked at Stanley. "I will remain here to monitor the moth breeding. Once the moths are ready, I will join you on the planet, Stanley, if you wish."

"Suit yourself, Kai," said Stanley with a slight smile. He pointed to himself with both thumbs. "Stanley Tweedle, on the other hand, is ready for the _benefits_ of civilization. Ooooh yeah."

At that moment a second, smaller shuttle approached the landing platform and smoothly landed beside the first. "That's my ride," said Bail Organa. "Stanley, you're free to go down to Alderaan in the royal shuttle. Everyone will assume I am returning with you. My nephew will be happy to show you around," he said with a wave of his hand. Major Organa did not look happy about his new assignment.

Bail Organa boarded the small shuttle. As it took off, Stanley looked at Kai with a grin and said in a low voice, "I wonder if you should have mentioned Xev isn't wearing anything. A naked Xev might shock the old prince."

"It didn't seem important," replied Kai.

Stanley sighed. "Clearly you've been dead far too long."


	15. Cat House

Chapter 15: Cat House

As the royal shuttle passed down through the cloud layer, Stanley could see a scattering of tall buildings rising well above the tree line, casting long shadows over what appeared to be mostly forest lining the shore of a large lake. The sun was setting in a spectacular blaze of colors across the lake, making it hard to see much else. "This is Aldera, capital of Alderaan," explained Major Organa as Stanley looked out the window.

"I see a few buildings, but where's the city?" asked a puzzled Stanley as he looked about in the gathering dusk. He was, he supposed, expecting something like The Cluster — an ugly collection of gigantic mega-buildings with nothing resembling nature anywhere in sight.

Major Organa laughed. "Oh, it's there all right. Most homes and businesses are no higher than two or three stories. From the air you mostly see trees, but get below the trees and you'll have a better idea about the size of the city." The Major gave a command to the pilot, and the shuttle began to circle around the city on a grand tour. "Anything you'd like to see first? Near the lake front, there's the Aldera Opera House. There are a lot of theaters close by—"

"Any houses of ill repute?" Stanley interrupted.

"—where you could catch a play or musical. And of course there's the Sports Dome. The Aldera Avengers will be playing to a home field advantage tonight. If you're more interested in—"

"Loose naked women?" Stanley asked hopefully.

"—highbrow entertainment, there's an interesting lecture series at the University of Alderaan. There are several museums too. If you're more the outdoors type, there's hiking, camping, water sports—"

"Wait!" jumped in Stanley. "Did you say water sports?"

"Well, yes," replied Major Organa, puzzled at Stanley's sudden interest. "Swimming, boating, water skiing, snorkeling, fishing… that sort of thing."

"Oh," said Stanley, clearly disappointed. "Sorry I asked. So, any brothels around here?" Stanley snapped his fingers and pointed to himself. "You know, where a swinging single guy like me can have a good time?"

Major Organa sighed. "I suppose I could check into whatever Uncle Bail was arranging," he finally conceded, and leaned forward to talk to the pilot.

"_Yes_!" exclaimed Stanley as he pumped a victory fist in the air. "Now that's the kind of civilization I'm talking about!" The shuttle banked and flew away from the lakeshore as the sun dropped below the horizon. Lights were turning on everywhere. It became much easier to appreciate the size of Aldera. Within a minute or two, the shuttle began to descend towards an area with denser housing, and settled down on a landing pad next to a two story structure with a wide front porch and balcony above. As Stanley stepped out of the shuttle, he could see wall sconces with red lights on either side of the front door. Up on the balcony, Stanley heard a quiet laugh and muted conversation. He could just make out shapes of people moving about; girls, one or two possibly naked, though he couldn't be sure. He liked the idea of them being naked, even if it wasn't true.

"Come on," said Major Organa as he impatiently brushed past Stanley, marched up the stairs across the porch, and knocked loudly on the door. The conversation on the balcony came to an abrupt stop. Stanley could practically feel the tension from the people on the balcony as they waited to see what would happen next. A monitor built into the door flickered on, and the head and shoulders of a protocol droid appeared on the screen.

"This is a private club," the droid said without preamble. "Do you have an appointment?"

"I believe this is what you need," replied Major Organa. He held up a small plastic square about the size of a postage stamp and pressed it against the screen.

"Oh my!" exclaimed the droid. "I do apologize. It is not often we have people announce their presence with a loud knock as if they were the Guardia. Most club members simply open the door with their club card. Now where is that manual override…. Ah! Here it is." The heavy metal door retracted into the wall revealing a gaudy looking sitting room decorated in shades of pink. Music with a throbbing, rhythmic beat played low in the background, so low Stanley more felt than heard it.

A woman stood up from a pink love seat and walked slowly over to the door, ensuring she was lit from behind for maximum effect. She appeared to be in her mid-thirties and was wearing a pinkish jumpsuit with puffy sleeves that ended at the elbows in a puff of pink fur. The legs of the jumpsuit ended at mid-calf. She was barefoot with toenails painted dark pink. The most striking feature was the sheerness of the material. She wore nothing underneath it. Stanley could easily make out her breasts and other interesting bits. In the past this would have left Stanley stunned speechless and open, he suspected, to being robbed blind. However, Xev's routine nudity these last few weeks left Stanley fully in command of himself and in a better position to negotiate, if needed. _Thank you Xev_, Stanley thought to himself. _You've helped me in ways you'll never know_.

Major Organa, on the other hand, looked absolutely stunned, standing there with his mouth hanging open. "I'll take this if you don't mind," said Stanley as he plucked the small plastic square from Organa's numb fingers. "I assume this is some sort of currency?" Stanley snapped his fingers in front of Major Organa's face, an action that seemed to amuse the woman in the see-through jumpsuit.

"What?" said Major Organa, looking thoroughly confused. With effort he focused on the object Stanley was holding up. "Right, that's a single-use credit chit. For tonight at least, your visit here will be at my uncles' expense. I don't think there's a limit, but remember, it can only be charged once."

"No problem," said the woman as she stepped up beside Stanley. "We can run an open tab until it's time to pay." She smiled at Stanley. "My name is Kitten. I'll be your hostess this evening. If there's anything you need…." She reached up and unzipped the entire front of the jumpsuit in one smooth motion. "…just let me know."

Major Organa looked like he was ready to faint. "Well, I'll leave you to it then," he said in a strained voice. "I'll be back in the morning to pick you up."

"No hurry," said Stanley as he reached inside Kitten's open jumpsuit and began to cuddle her breasts. "I think I'm going to like it here." Major Organa turned bright red, and without another word turned and fled across the porch, down the stairs and to the shuttle. Stanley withdrew his hand. "Ah, children," he said, laughing. He turned and grinned at Kitten. "So easily confounded." The shuttle could be heard taking off.

Kitten laughed. "Let me show you the Master's bedroom," she said as she led Stanley up a grand staircase. "We offer a variety of pleasures, from the simple to the… invigorating. Was there anything in particular you had in mind?"

"Gee, I don't know," replied Stanley. "I mean, I had some ideas in mind – several ideas really – but as I'm new to this planet, it occurs to me the names for things may be different here. Perhaps we could start with the simple, and work my way up to invigorating?"

"An excellent idea," replied Kitten as she opened a door. This room was decorated in a brown and tan theme, with a square bed easily large enough for half a dozen people.

"This is great!" exclaimed Stanley as he looked around. There was a mirror on the ceiling above the bed, a bar in the corner, and a large flat-screen monitor built into the wall easily viewed from the bed. Everything seemed to be top-notch quality and brand new. "Yes, this will do nicely."

"We do ask patrons to begin the evening with a bath. This can either be a solo shower, or for a little extra an assistant can join you. However… I'd like to break with the usual routine," said Kitten. She slipped out of her jumpsuit, let it fall to the floor, kicked it under the bed, and stood naked in front of Stanley – though really, being out of the jumpsuit was not much of a change. "I'd like the honor of joining the Hero of Alderaan in the shower – no charge."

"You know who I am?" asked Stanley, surprised.

"Oh yes," purred Kitten as she began to unzip Stanley's jumpsuit. "I think everyone on Alderaan knows who you are. Everyone in the house would like to meet you. I suspect you'll be getting a lot of extra services tonight for free." She quickly had an unresisting Stanley stripped naked, and collected up his clothes. "I'll just drop these off in the laundry. They'll be clean by morning. If you like, there are robes in the closet."

Stanley thought about it. "No, I'm good. Which way to the bathroom?" Kitten nodded with her head across the room, and Stanley wandered off to inspect the facilities.

Kitten waited until Stanley was out of sight, walked over to a full height mirror and gave the left edge a stiff push. The mirror popped away from the wall. Kitten pulled open a hidden door and stepped inside a small, darkened room crammed full of electronic equipment. Two people, a man and a woman, sat at workstations with screens divided into multiple sections displaying different angles of the adjoining rooms. Stanley could be seen in the bathroom puzzling over the toilet. A third person stood up, removed his headphones and walked over to Kitten.

"Sound check good?" Kitten asked as she crammed Stanley's clothes into a plastic bag.

"Sure thing boss. No dead spots, and you might say we have your very pretty ass covered from every angle."

Kitten smiled at the joke and held up the bag. "Here. Get this to the lab for analysis, and make sure they understand this is a priority." She wrinkled her nose. "These clothes are pretty ripe."

"The riper they are, the more story they tell," grinned the technician, who took the bag. "Anything else?"

Kitten paused for a couple of seconds. "I think we're good. So far he seems the gentle type, but you never know. The Viceroy is keen for us to get any intelligence we can, but honestly, this guy just doesn't strike me as someone keeping any big secrets."

The technician nodded his head in understanding. "True, but then again, sometimes the innocent have knowledge of things they don't realize is important."

Kitten looked at the monitor and groaned. "I'd better get back in there. What backwater planet is this Stanley Tweedle from to not understand how a galactic-standard toilet works?"

* * *

Stanley lay on the bed, naked, happy, relaxed, and cleaner than he could remember being in a long time. Kitten was certainly skillful. As they soaped and rinsed each other, her caresses kept him rock hard throughout the shower. It left him gasping for more, begging for completion, but Kitten said if he could hold off, it would be even better later on. Tonight definitely rated as a "best shower ever." Stanley briefly wondered if Xev would ever go for showering together. _Who am I kidding_? Stanley thought as he shook his head with a smile.

Stanley was ready for more "invigorating" activities. He was beginning to wonder where Kitten had disappeared to when the door opened. He could hear the sound of giggling outside. As Stanley began to look around for something to cover himself, three naked girls walked in. They were beautiful, slender with firm breasts – perhaps a little on the small side for Stanley's taste, but very nice. As far as Stanley could tell, they were identical in appearance. They spread out as they approached the bed; one to the left, one to the right, and one at the foot.

"I'm Billie," said the one at the foot of the bed in a sultry voice. She began to climb onto the bed, on her hands and knees.

"I'm Lillie," said the one to Stanley's left as she too climbed onto the bed.

"I'm Millie," said the one to Stanley's right. All three were on the bed, slowly approaching Stanley in the middle from three directions.

"We're clones!" all three said simultaneously, and giggled.

"Hi…" Stanley said falteringly, his heart pounding, looking from girl to girl.

"Most people think we look exactly alike," said Billie as she moved up between Stanley's legs, forcing them open.

"But we can tell each other apart," said Lillie as she began to stroke Stanley's chest.

"Yes, there are differences," agreed Millie has she ran a hand along Stanley's inner thigh.

"Really?" quaked Stanley. It was all a little frightening, intimidating, and incredibly sexy all at the same time. A part of him wanted to run away, but his body clearly had other ideas as the girls openly admired his excitement.

"Oh yes," said Billie as she gently reached out. "But you'll have to look close."

"Oh do examine me closely!" said Lillie. She leaned in close to Stanley's face. "I think my nipples stand out more than theirs when I'm excited."

"No they don't!" retorted Millie, "Mine do!"

"I know!" said Billie as if the idea just occurred to her. "Let's play a game. Let's see if Stanley can tell us apart. If you can Stanley, then all three of us will stay with you the whole night through!"

"Ah, and if I can't?" Stanley asked, nervous and on edge.

"Don't worry!" exclaimed Lillie. "We'll think of something!" All three girls jumped off the bed and gathered at the foot. One of them clapped her hands and the lights turned off. Stanley could hear giggling and shuffling as the girls moved in the dark. Another clap and the lights turned back on. All three girls were lined up at the end of the bed, hands clasped behind their backs, grinning at Stanley like three Cheshire cats. Once again, the girls separated, moving in on Stanley from three directions.

"So, who am I?" asked the girl moving up the middle, forcing Stanley's legs further and further apart.

"Ah… Billie?" guessed Stanley. He really had no idea who was who.

"Good guess," said Billie. She paused and grinned. "Unless I'm lying. Am I lying, Stanley?" she asked quietly.

All Stanley could do was mentally flip a coin. "I'm going to go with no, you're not lying."

Billie jumped forward, landing on top of Stanley and gave him a long hard kiss while making thrusting motions with her hips. Stanley was thrilled and couldn't wait for the actual sex to begin. Billie finally stopped kissing and sat up. "I just love how trusting you are, Stanley," she said. "But… No! I'm not Billie after all!" As she sat on Stanley, one of the girls slipped a red satin loop over Stanley's right foot and pulled it snug. "Let's try again!" said the girl sitting on him. She clapped her hands and the room plunged into darkness. She climbed off Stanley, and the girls giggled as they rearranged themselves.

Another clap, and once again the girls were lined up at the end of the bed, hands clasped behind backs, big grins on their faces. As the game proceeded, sometimes Stanley guessed right, but more often he was wrong. Each wrong guess resulted in another limb being tied down to the bed. Now both feet and his right arm were held by red satin loops. He lost again. One of the girls briefly stepped out of the room and came back with a slip of paper. She handed it to him, saying with a big smile, "I think you're going to need this."

"What is it?" asked Stanley as he puzzled over the blocky, unfamiliar language.

"Why, that's your safe word silly!" she replied took his left arm and looped it in a sash, his hand still clutching the unreadable piece of paper.

"My what?" said Stanley. He was now tied spread-eagled on the bed, unable to do more than wiggle. Two of the girls snuggled in on Stanley, one on either side, and began to lightly run their fingers up and down his body, causing shockwaves when they hit sensitive ticklish areas, his limbs jerking involuntarily, unable to stop what was happening.

The third girl carefully lay down on top of Stanley, face to face. "Who am I?" she asked.

All Stanley could think about was the skin-on-skin contact with the girl on top, and the continuing tickling strokes he was receiving from both sides. He didn't really care who was who. "Lillie?" he tossed out at random.

Stanley was rewarded with a lingering kiss, with a little tongue work for good measure. The girl sat up and said, "I'm Millie!" Millie pouted and frowned. "You know what girls? I don't think Stanley can tell us apart."

"I agree," said Billie.

"Not even a little bit," said Lillie.

"Well, you know what this means?" said Millie as she looked down at Stanley with a wide grin.

"PUNISHMENT TIME!" all three girls shouted simultaneously. The door opened and someone wheeled in a cart with lots of things Stanley couldn't make out. That person quietly left, and then someone else walked in, a female figure, who strolled to the end of the bed. A direct view was blocked by Millie, who was still sitting on top of Stanley.

There was a loud CRACK! "Someone has been a _bad, bad_ boy," said the woman with a distinct tone of authority as she coiled up a toy whip. She cracked the whip a second time and slowly moved around to the side of the bed. "Time for some… invigorating… discipline, you waste of skin!"

As the woman stepped into view, Stanley gasped in recognition. "Giggerota!" he squeaked.


	16. Surprises

Chapter 16: Surprises

**Dagobah**

About half a kilometer from Yoda's dwelling, a sleek, silvery winged spaceship sat in the sunlight. It landed a few minutes ago. It had been easy for Xev to locate – the thing had been deafening loud when it came roaring in, before touching down gently in an open field. From the edge of the field where Xev had concealed herself, she could feel the residual heat of atmospheric entry radiating from the ship, and hear a tick-tick-ticking sound as metal cooled down. She settled down to watch.

After about thirty minutes, a hatch opened on the side of the ship, and stairs extended down to the ground. A figure dressed in blue appeared in the doorway, a man with greying hair. As Xev watched, he walked down the stairs and looked around the field, shading his eyes with his hand, apparently orientating himself. After a moment, he began to stride across the field towards the woods, heading in Yoda's direction. Xev backed off from the field, turned and ran silently through the forest, moving to intercept.

It didn't take long to be in position ahead of the stranger. He was plodding along relatively slowly and noisily. As he passed Xev's hiding spot, she burst out of cover, slipping her arms under the stranger's arms above the elbows and linking her fingers behind his neck in a full nelson, forcing his head down. "Easy there!" he called out. "I'm a friend."

Xev responded by slightly tightening her grip. "What's your name, 'friend?'"

"Bail Organa!" he gasped. "Would mine easing up a little? I'm not as young as I used to be."

Xev's eyes narrowed. "If you're Bail Organa, then you would be the one Kai spoke to."

"That's right," Bail replied. His neck was really starting to hurt. "We met on the Lexx."

"And Kai had a code phrase he would only tell to Bail Organa."

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" he grunted. "This is not exactly comfortable!"

"Then tell me the code phrase," Xev replied coolly.

"_There is another_."

Xev released Bail Organa, who immediately straightened up and began to rub his neck. "That's better," he said, relieved, and turned around to face his assailant. He was surprised to find a relatively petite, stunningly attractive, nude young woman with artificially red hair standing before him. The sight of Xev triggered some fond memories which made him smile with nostalgia.

"What?" Xev asked a bit suspiciously. Why was he looking at her like that?

"Sorry," Bail Organa said apologetically. "You remind me of my wife when she was about your age. You must be Xev. That's quite a grip you have. I was expecting someone taller." _And a lot more muscular looking_, he thought to himself.

Xev drew herself up, putting hands on hips. "Are you making fun of my height?" she demanded to know.

"Not at all," replied Bail. "You're stronger than you look. You must exercise a lot."

"I'm part cluster lizard," Xev replied by way of explanation, which left Bail puzzled. "Come on," she said, and began to lead the way to Yoda's home. This time, Xev noticed Bail Organa's walk was a lot quieter than before. "You did that deliberately, didn't you?" she called over her shoulder.

"Did what?" Bail asked innocently, a little smile on his face.

"All that stomping around like a herd of animals."

"Oh?" he said with a grin. "You mean entering the atmosphere hot to make as much noise as possible, then taking my sweet time before cracking the hatch and stomping around? Yes, I was announcing my arrival."

"Well why didn't you just call?" Xev asked, holding up her comm unit. For the first time, Bail realized Xev had a string tied around her waist, with a tiny pouch on her right hip.

Bail had been trying to decide if Xev's lack of clothing was cultural, or if she was a naturist. Given her utter unselfconsciousness, either scenario would fit. That string, he decided, was the clincher. _Oh, I see_, Bail thought. _By her standards she probably __is__ 'dressed,' which in some cultures is all it takes._ "Sorry," he said out loud. "I didn't realize you have a comlink. Master Yoda doesn't keep one, and it's better to maintain radio silence. Dagobah is supposed to be uninhabited, and we like to keep up appearances."

"Ah, good point," replied Xev. She tucked away her comm unit. For the next few minutes they walked in companionable silence, Xev leading the way, for which Bail was grateful. Oh, he probably could have found Yoda's house on his own, but he hadn't visited Dagobah in years and would likely have become lost a few times.

"What can you tell me about Master Yoda's condition?" Bail asked to break the silence.

"Oh," Xev fretted, "I hope I haven't dragged you out here for nothing. It's like he wants to go into hibernation. All he does is sleep, and it's all I can do to wake him up long enough to eat maybe half a meal before he's out of it again."

"No need to apologize," replied Bail. "At Master Yoda's age, calling for a doctor is always the right thing to do." He frowned in thought as they followed what appeared to be an animal trail. "Yoda was a member of the Jedi High Council and a Jedi Master on Cosecant for centuries. I've personally known him about forty years or so. I've never heard of a hibernation cycle."

Xev stopped and turned around to look at Bail Organa. "Centuries? Just how old is he?" she said, an astonished look on her face.

Bail smiled. "Well, let's put it this way – he's on the wrong side of 890 years old." Bail thought about his aches and pains, his medications, and how he rarely slept through the night any more without waking up at least once. "Oh yeah, makes me feel like a child," he said in jest, and then realized the joke was totally lost on Xev.

"I had no idea Yoda was so old!" Xev said, as she turned back and resumed walking. "So what do we do?"

"I brought a medical droid with me. We'll carry Master Yoda back to my cruiser and see what it has to say."

After another minute they arrived at Yoda's dwelling. It was just the way Bail remembered it. Xev dropped to hands and knees, practically zooming through the opening. Bail Organa eased down and crawled through carefully. The smell of cooking hit him, which made him curious, but first things first. He crawled over to Yoda's bed and sat, glad to be off his knees. Yoda was asleep. "Hello old friend," he tried. No response. "Master Yoda?" Bail tried giving Yoda a slight shake. Yoda grumbled slightly before becoming still once again.

Xev had been sitting off to one side, quietly watching. "If anything, I'd say it's even harder to wake him up today than it was yesterday."

Bail nodded his head. "All right, let's carry him back." He looked over at the cooktop. "Did you make that?" he asked.

"Yes!" exclaimed Xev proudly. "I've made a vegetable soup from locally collected plants. Yoda taught me what is safe to eat."

"I'm impressed," replied Bail. "And it smells good too. Do you mind if we take a sample with us? I'd like to run it by the medical droid."

Xev's temper flared. "Are you suggesting I've poisoned Yoda? How dare you! I've been living on Dagobah for a month now, mostly on my own, and most of what I've survived on this whole time are plants and animals I've collected and prepared. Stanley's eaten it and he's fine. Yoda's eaten it and up to now he's been fine. Look at me! I couldn't be better!"

Bail held up his hand. "Xev! Please! I'm not trying to offend you; I just want to eliminate a possible cause. Now you said Yoda taught you how to forage?"

"That's right!" Xev responded, arms folded, glaring daggers at Bail Organa.

"So, he taught you things that were safe for humans to eat. Did he also teach you about things that were safe for him to eat?"

Xev sat in shocked silence. "Oh," she said in a small voice.

"Xev," Bail continued gently. "I doubt there's anything outright poisonous in your soup. You've been eating it, and you haven't been sick. Yoda's metabolism is highly compatible with human metabolism. Simply put, human food won't poison him, but chances are your soup is missing essential nutrients required to stay healthy. Actually, the same goes for you too. For non-native species, no planet is ever 100% compatible. Everyone needs to take supplements, both to supply missing nutrients as well as control a buildup of toxins. You're healthy now, but trust me, you can't live on this stuff forever."

Tears brimmed around Xev's eyes. "So I might have been causing Yoda more harm than good?" she said miserably.

"No Xev, I'm not saying that either. In fact, let me check something." Bail scooted over to the cook area and took down a container from a shelf. He pulled open the lid and looked inside. "I was afraid of that." He showed the container to Xev. It was empty. "This is where Yoda kept his supplements for Dagobah. I suspect this has been empty for some time, and he's been trying to live strictly off the land. In the long run, it doesn't work." He looked up at Xev. "This started long before you arrived on Dagobah, Xev. It's not your fault."

Bail scooted back over and sat beside Xev. "Far from harming Yoda, you've done a wonderful thing. You recognized a problem and called for help. Now, let's get him back to my cruiser for a checkup, okay?"

"Okay," Xev nodded.

* * *

**Alderaan**

"Stanley? Stanley?" Stanley grunted and smacked his lips, eyes still closed. He felt his cheek being tickled. In response, he sleepily swatted at the irritation and smacked himself on the cheek and nose.

That woke him up. He opened his eyes and found himself lying on his side, almost nose-to-nose with Kitten, who was gloriously stretched out beside him. He smiled. "Hey you," he said, and yawned. He leaned forward and gave Kitten a kiss before collapsing back onto the pillow.

Kitten smiled back. "Good morning sleepyhead. Are you ready for something to eat?"

"Yeah," replied Stanley. "Now that I think about it, I could definitely use some food. But, oh man! I had the worst nightmare last night! I dreamed I was being held captive by…" Stanley trailed off. It occurred to him, as he lay there talking to Kitten, that someone was spooning him from behind. An arm was draped over his middle, hand curled around "little Stanley." He could hear light snoring and feel hot breath on his neck. Curious, he looked over his shoulder.

"AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA! GET HER AWAY FROM ME! GET HER AWAY FROM ME!" Stanley screamed at the top of his lungs as he scrambled out of the bed, climbing over Kitten in the process. He fell to the floor, jumped to his feet and ran for the far side of the room before turning around, flattening himself against the wall, looking back at the bed. Billie, Lillie, and Millie sprang out of the other side of the bed looking panic stricken. Two security guards burst into the room, weapons drawn, trying to identify a target. "Giggerota," for her part, still lay where she had been spooning Stanley moments ago, staring at him in shock.

Kitten bounced out of bed and took charge. "It's all right," she said to the security guards, waving them down with both hands. "Just a panic attack. We'll take it from here. Oh, and have the kitchen send up food for everyone. Thank you," she said as she escorted the security guards out of the room. Once the door was closed, she turned back around and stared at Stanley. "Stanley? What's wrong?" Kitten said, trying to keep her voice neutral.

Stanley pointed a shaky finger at the bed. "It's like I said last night! That's Giggerota, the crazy cannibal bitch from the Light Universe! She killed her husband, ate him, and wore his skin as clothes! She didn't even pretend it was some sort of animal skin; the poor man's head was still attached at the back!"

"That's disgusting!" exclaimed the woman on the bed. "Now look, Stanley, as I explained before, my name is Heather, not 'Giggerota.' Got it?"

"Then why did you call yourself Giggerota last night?" demanded Stanley in a squeaky voice.

Heather rolled her eyes. "I never did! It's you who kept insisting on calling me Giggerota! If a client wants to call you by a different name, you go with the fantasy."

Now Stanley was shifting from fear to anger. "Giggerota was no fantasy! She was a dangerous criminal who was sent to The Cluster on multiple counts of cannibalism for trial and death by recycling!"

Billie, Lillie, and Millie looked at each other with horrified expressions.

"Stanley," Kitten said quietly, palms up, trying to calm him down. "It's pretty obvious you've suffered from some trauma—"

"Suffered from some trauma? She was always threatening to eat me! She bit my hand off with that snake-like tongue of hers! And she tried to abandon us on Brunnis to die in a supernova!"

"Stanley, you have two hands," Kitten pointed out. "And obviously you didn't die in a supernova."

"Well yeah, but only because we were able to reattach my hand, which she had left on the bridge of the Lexx when it returned to pick us up!"

To Heather, Kitten said, "Would you stick your tongue out please?" Heather stuck her tongue out at Stanley. It was an ordinary human tongue.

"Well," Stanley said weakly when he saw Heather's tongue. "I could be mistaken."

Kitten sighed. "Tell you what Stanley, do you think you could sit down and tell us about it? Talking might help, you know."

"Oh poor Stanley!" said Billie.

"Look how he's shaking!" said Lillie.

"We should help him!" said Millie. The three girls quietly walked around the bed over to Stanley. Two of them each took a hand and coaxed Stanley away from the wall. "Group hug!" Millie called, and the three girls pressed in on all sides, wrapping their arms around each other and Stanley, and began to smother him in kisses.

Stanley's first thought was that a group hug was a silly idea, but if the girls wanted to hug him, he didn't mind. Then he realized he was actually beginning to calm down. Once he was calmer, Stanley began to remember he was still nude. So were the three girls pressing against him, as well as Kitten and Giggerota… well, Heather as she kept calling herself, and that awareness began to stir other thoughts.

"Oh!" said Lillie, who happened to the girl in front. "I think Stanley likes me!" she said with a smile, and began to rock her hips to encourage him along.

"Not now!" Stanley said, alarmed as the door opened and kitchen staff rolled in carts of food.

Instead of stopping, Lillie began thrusting harder and moaning. "Oh! Yes! Oh! Yes! Oh! Yes! Yes! Yes!" Stanley turned red with embarrassment as Lillie kept at it until the kitchen staff exited the room, whereupon she fell to the floor, curled up on her side, laughing.

"If you were going to put on a show," Stanley growled. "We might have at least been doing it for real."

"Hey everybody!" Lillie said, and rolled over onto her back, legs open. "Stanley wants to put on a live sex act!" Stanley looked away, both thrilled and embarrassed at the same time.

"Oh Lillie! You are a bad, bad girl!" said Billie as she stood beside Stanley, hands on hips.

"Very naughty," agreed Millie as she held Stanley's hand. Millie and Billie exchanged looks, which went unnoticed by Stanley.

Lillie rolled onto hands and knees, and wiggled her bottom at Stanley. "Spank me Stanley! Spank me!" she giggled.

Stanley laughed and shook his head. In spite of her embarrassing antics, Lillie was just too cute to stay angry at for long. Suddenly he felt very tired. It had been a mostly sleepless night, after all. "Please Lillie – I'm too tired for this. Tell you what, why don't we all put on robes and sit down to eat, and I'll tell you about the Light Universe?"

* * *

**Imperial Naval Command**

In a solar system devoid of life, concentric rings of asteroids circled a star; planets that might have been, but never formed during the creation of the galaxy. Officially listed as a mining operation abandoned thousands of years ago, no privately owned spacecraft had any legitimate reason to go visiting. Lately, those that did were never heard from again.

One asteroid belt in particular did show signs of activity; constant swarms of TIE fighter patrols at irregular intervals, and a scattering of capital ships. Buried deep in a large, hollowed out asteroid covered in point-defense weaponry, the Imperial Naval Command was a rabbit warren of offices, intelligence command centers, and other functions vital to running an Empire. In a well-appointed office, Captain Waed and Commander Galicia stood at attention before the desk of one Admiral Hopper. The admiral was not a happy man. He had been chewing Waed and Galicia a new one for the last twenty minutes, and he showed no sign of slowing down. He was also repeating himself, but it wouldn't do to point that out. The same phrases kept coming up, like "court martial," "dereliction of duty," "abandonment of post," and, of course, "cowardice."

"You would have been better off lost in battle than to come crawling back here!" yelled Admiral Hopper. "It would have left your dignity and your service records intact!"

"With respect, sir," said Captain Waed. "Both _Minyada_ and _Dotrina_ were destroyed before we were in position. Engaging the enemy at that point would not have changed the outcome. The Empire would have simply lost another ship and crew complement, and now have a mystery on their hands."

"And if you had not been cowering behind Alderaan, all three ships could have engaged the enemy simultaneously!" raged the admiral. "You could have made a difference!" he said as he banged his fist for emphasis, causing everything on his desk to jump.

"Begging your pardon sir, we were in orbit, sir, not cowering," said Captain Waed with more calm than he felt. "If the other captains had exercised restraint and waited thirty seconds, we could have joined them for the engagement."

Admiral Hopper managed to become even angrier than before, pointing his finger at Waed. "I WILL NOT have you besmirch the records of the other ship captains! They understood their duty! If I had my way, I'd shoot the pair of you here and now!" The admiral took a deep breath, put both hands on his desk palms down and continued in a slightly calmer voice. "However, not everyone is in agreement. Half the command staff want to pin metals on you, and the other half want you executed." Admiral Hopper gave them a nasty grin. "Some have proposed a compromise: a summary execution followed by posthumous awards sent to your families."

The intercom buzzed, disturbing Admiral Hopper's tirade. The admiral slammed the intercom. "I said NO INTERRUPTIONS!" he screamed at his aid.

"Yes sir, sorry sir," came a shaky voice over the intercom. "You have a visitor, sir."

"WHAT!" roared Admiral Hopper. "You interrupted me for that! When I've finished with these two, I will reassign your ass to the worst post—"

The door to Admiral Hopper's office slid open, revealing an outer office. Without waiting for an invitation, a tall, gaunt figure stalked in, along with two aids trailing behind. The color drained from Admiral Hopper's florid face. He stood to attention so fast he nearly knocked his chair over. "Sir!" he said.

Grand Moff Tarkin took in the scene before him, grim-faced. "Captain Waed I take it?" he said, ignoring the Admiral.

Waed snapped off a smart salute. "Yes sir!"

Tarkin's eyes flicked over to Galicia. "And you must be his first officer, Commander Galicia."

Galicia saluted as well. "I have that honor, sir!"

Tarkin stared at Galicia, expressionless. "Remove your commander's pips and hand them to me. And you!" he said, pointing to Waed. "I want your captain's pips as well." The admiral looked triumphant as Waed felt his heart sink. Grand Moff Tarkin was soon rolling both sets of pips around in his hand.

"Now then – to business," said the Grand Moff. "Waed, you have been reassigned, which means _Apacaphion_ is in need of a new captain." He held out the captain's pips to Galicia. "Put these on, Captain Galicia. Congratulations on your promotion and your new command."

Galicia hurriedly put on the captain's pips and shook hands with the Grand Moff. "Thank you, sir." He couldn't believe it! Neither could Admiral Hopper. His jaw was slack with a stunned expression on his face.

Grand Moff Tarkin snapped his fingers, and one of his aids handed over a small box. The Grand Moff opened the box and held it out to Waed. "These are for you," he said brusquely. Inside was a pair of Admiral's bars. Waed put them on while doing his best to conceal any emotion. The Grand Moff held out his hand to Waed. "Congratulations, Rear Admiral Waed. You will be reporting directly to me."

"Thank you, sir!" said Waed. He concealed a smile as he saw Admiral Hopper's face out of the corner of his eye. It was an expression Waed would not soon forget.

"Sir! I must protest!" exclaimed Admiral Hopper. "These men have committed serious offenses and should be court martialed! I cannot imagine why you are doing this!"

"Yes, I am aware you have a lack of imagination," the Grand Moff replied dryly. "Or perhaps you would rather have had all three ships bunched together and presented a single target? If you had paid scant attention to incident report, you would know the power output from that bug weapon was more than enough to have destroyed those ships several times over."

"These men were negligent and abandoned their post!" exclaimed Admiral Hopper. He was becoming angry all over again; heedless of whom he was talking to.

"Admiral," said the Grand Moff in a dangerous tone. "_Apacaphion _is short a first officer, and I still have a pair of commander's pips." Admiral Hopper's mouth opened and closed wordlessly as the Grand Moff pointedly stared at him. The admiral abruptly sat in his chair, looking defeated. "Captain, you have your assignment," the Grand Moff said to Galicia. "Dismissed." Captain Galicia saluted, turned on his heel, and marched out the door. He did not really relax until he was past the outer office. Only then did he allow himself a smile as headed for the hanger bays.

"Waed, you're with me," said the Grand Moff. He dropped the commander's pips on Hopper's desk, turned and swept out the door, expecting his entourage to keep up.

Waed had to stride rapidly to catch up to and walk beside Grand Moff Tarkin. "Sir, I'd like to thank you for this opportunity. I knew my decision to come here would be, well, upsetting, but I had no idea it would prove to be so controversial among the command staff."

The Grand Moff waved his hand dismissively as they strode down the hallway. "Officers like Hopper are idiots. Useful idiots to be sure, but they fail to see the big picture. The value of surviving to report this new threat to the Empire far outweighs getting yourself killed in a futile gesture. This incident has the attention of the Emperor himself, and he intends to do something about it."

"I see," said Waed, shocked his actions had garnered such lofty awareness. "What will be my role in this sir, if you don't mind my asking?"

The Grand Moff smiled. "For now, let's just say I'm in charge of a special project. I want you for that project. We'll talk more once we're off this rock. Meanwhile, what's your assessment of this bug ship? Do you think it's a secret rebel super-weapon, as some are suggesting?"

"No sir, I don't," replied Waed. "For one thing, it just seems too alien. For another, I don't think the rebels have the resources to build something like that. We've seen their ships – they're mostly reconditioned junk. They would be better off acquiring conventional ships and weapons, than pouring everything they have into a one-of-a-kind super-weapon."

The Grand Moff nodded his approval. "Agreed, and in fact the latest chatter suggests the sudden appearance of the bug ship was just as much a surprise to the rebels as it was for us. Which leads to this question: where did it come from?"

Waed hesitated. "Well sir, two possibilities come to mind. One is that there is a secret organization capable of pulling together the resources – perhaps over a period of decades – to produce the bug ship."

"Interesting…" responded the Grand Moff. "Certainly there have been organizations capable of doing so in the past, and sometimes they have pulled off some pretty big projects. The clones that seemed to come out of nowhere, for example, during the Clone Wars, or before that, the droid army the Trade Federation amassed."

"Yes sir, but both of those are examples of using conventional technologies. The bug ship seems to be something else entirely, which leads to a second possibility; that it comes from somewhere else – from outside the galaxy."

"Yes…" said the Grand Moff softly as they turned and walked into a hanger bay. An unmarked Imperial shuttle awaited them, wings folded up, its ramp extended. "It's that possibility that has the Emperor worried. The sudden appearance of the bug ship has the potential to disrupt plans decades in the making." The Grand Moff stopped just short of the shuttle ramp and looked at Waed. "What if that bug ship is the vanguard to a galactic invasion?"

That idea chilled Waed to the bone. "Then we had better start building ships with a lot more firepower, sir."

Grand Moff Tarkin smiled. "I think you'll fit in well," he said as they walked up the ramp together.


	17. Doctor's Orders

Chapter 17: Doctor's Orders

**Dagobah**

In a small medical bay on board Bail Organa's cruiser, Yoda lay unconscious on a padded examination table. After that first day on Dagobah, Xev reflected, Yoda had seemed so much larger than life that she quickly stopped thinking about his size – he was simply a friend, a companion, a mentor. But here on this ship scaled for human comfort, seeing Yoda helpless brought home just how tiny he really was. He took up less than half the length of the examination table, and he looked frail.

A medical droid was running scans, occasionally making "tsk-tsk" sounds as it worked. Xev watched the droid warily, its translucent panels showing off its inner workings, emphasizing its mechanical nature.

Bail could see Xev was not comfortable around the droid. "That's a 2-1B series medical droid, one of the most sophisticated medical droids available in the galaxy. I can assure you it is well qualified. Yoda is in capable hands."

Xev arched an eyebrow as the droid swapped appliances at the end of one arm. "Hands?" she said, folding her arms.

Bail smiled. "Metaphorically speaking, of course," he said as they watched the droid.

Xev took in a deep breath and let it out. "Well, let's just say I've had a few bad experiences when it comes to automated devices. I'll be glad when this exam is over."

A few seconds later, the droid looked up. "It is largely as you guessed, sir," it said, addressing Bail Organa. "The patient is exhibiting symptoms typical of multiple nutritional deficiencies. Most are minor, but one or two are more serious. However, the patient's age along with a general decline in health due to poor diet has contributed to other problems. The patient is dehydrated and showing early signs of osteopenia – decreased bone density." The droid looked directly at Xev. "Has the patient experienced any shocks recently? A fall, for example, or other physical stress?"

Xev's eyes widened. "There was that fight with the mercenary clones," she said. Bail looked surprised and was about to speak when Xev held up her hand. "Short version – we won. I'll tell you about it later. Please go on," she said to the medical droid.

The droid nodded its head. "Yes, that would do it. Has the patient exhibited any signs of dementia? Become confused when performing simple tasks? Inability to recall recent events? Not know who you are?"

"No, nothing like that," Xev said.

"Good," the droid continued. "There is no indication of permanent brain function loss, but it is not uncommon in these cases for patients to exhibit dementia-like symptoms until they are fully recovered. You should be prepared for that eventuality when he becomes conscious. I have treated the osteopenia and begun a rehydration course. I will monitor the patient overnight to ensure he is stabilized. Thereafter, treatment will be simple; just ensure the patient takes his supplements on schedule, follows an exercise program, and let nature to take its course. However, the patient will need in-home guidance – reminders to take his supplements, exercise and meals prepared – for the next several weeks, perhaps as long as a few months, until he makes a full recovery."

"A few months!" exclaimed Bail and Xev simultaneously. They looked at each other in surprise.

"I thought you could, I don't know, give him a shot and make it all better!" Xev said. _Surely these people have better ways to cure patients_, she thought.

"What about a bacta tank?" Bail asked.

The medical droid shook its head. "No sir, due to the patient's advanced age, I recommend against using any accelerated treatment methods – those might cause more harm than good. It would also require transporting the patient to Alderaan, and hospitals must rank bacta candidates by priority. The patient's age and relatively mild illness make him an unlikely choice for bacta therapy, particularly since he can be expected to make a full recovery without it."

"You have some influence, right?" Xev said to Bail Organa. "Can't Yoda be given priority treatment?"

"Yes, that could be done, but at what cost?" the droid replied.

Bail thought about it for a moment. He sighed and looked at Xev. "The droid's right, you know. We can't do that."

"Well why not?" Xev replied angrily. It was pretty obvious to her who would be expected to care for Yoda, and it wasn't Bail Organa. As much as she liked Yoda, she didn't want this dumped on her. Months?

"Putting Yoda at the top of the list means putting him ahead of people with life-threatening injuries," Bail said. "Younglings too, I imagine."

"Younglings with life-threating injuries usually have top priority, yes," replied the droid.

Bail looked at Xev and spoke quietly. "Master Yoda would never allow another's life to be put at risk simply because we were impatient with his rate of recovery."

"Oh! That is so unfair!" exclaimed Xev. She turned and stomped out of the medical bay. A moment later, Bail heard the hatch cycle as Xev exited the cruiser.

* * *

Bail found Xev sitting outside of Yoda's dwelling, tossing small rocks into a pond one at a time. He quietly sat down beside Xev and waited without saying a word. Xev continued to toss rocks, watching the ripples, until eventually her small stack was gone.

"You might have at least asked first," Xev growled, "instead of just assuming I am available and willing to look after Yoda."

Bail held up his hands. "In my defense, I would like to state I had not made any assumptions, and I hadn't asked if you would be Yoda's caretaker because you didn't give me that chance," he said quietly. "I do admit I was hoping you might be available. It would be an ideal solution for a number of reasons."

He began to tick those reasons off on his fingers. "You're already here, Master Yoda knows you, you've proven yourself adaptable and resourceful, and aside from me and your crewmates, the Empire doesn't who you are or that you're here, which is a huge plus for security." Bail looked Xev in the eyes. "Yes, I was on the verge of asking, but I also realize you may want or need to return to your own ship."

Xev held Bail's eye contact. "What was that other treatment option? The one the robot rejected?"

"You mean the bacta tank?"

"Yes, that's it. What's a bacta tank?" Xev asked, wondering if it might still be possible for Yoda to be treated that way.

"Well," said Bail, holding up his hands and making a circular motion. "Typically it's a large, clear tank filled with a solution of bacta, a very powerful substance which promotes rapid healing. Bacta is effective against virtually every type of injury and works on an incredible number of species. It's considered to be the best medicine in the galaxy. It's also known as a rejuvenation tank."

Xev's interest perked up when she heard the word "rejuvenation." "What else can you tell me about it?" she asked.

"There's not much more I can tell," replied Bail, as he wondered about Xev's interest. "The medical droid can talk about it in detail, but I do know it was invented over four thousand years ago by the Vratix, a slightly telepathic insectoid species. Bacta production is still tied to the Vratix to this day."

Bail had Xev's full attention. "So bacta is a liquid that promotes rapid healing, it's used to cure almost anything, and is produced by an insect species? Now that is interesting! I wonder…." Xev's eyes lost focus as she thought about the possibilities.

She abruptly turned to Bail. "About being Yoda's caretaker," she said. "How are such matters handled on your planet? I assume anyone hired as a caretaker is compensated."

"Oh, of course!" he said, relieved Xev appeared to be considering the job. "It's only natural you should be compensated. Most of the time caretaking is handled by nurse droids, but there are still human caretakers as well for those who prefer it. In Master Yoda's case, droids have a detectable power source, so we don't want a droid here."

"Right," said Xev. She leaned in close to Bail. "But this job is much more than just being a caretaker, isn't it? If you hired someone from Alderaan, that person would have to be sworn to secrecy, be willing to be cut off from civilization and live under the most primitive conditions imaginable, be knowledgeable in local Dagobah plants and animals for daily food collection, and understand what's dangerous so they don't get eaten by a large predator. Oh yes, and be ready to start immediately. I'll bet finding someone like that won't be easy, don't you?" Xev smiled and batted her eyes while thrusting her chest out.

Bail smiled, amused at Xev's obviousness. _As if no one has ever tried flirting with me before_, he thought to himself. Still, she had raised several valid points and Bail was already prepared to make a generous offer. "I agree," he said. "This job is both important and conditions warrant better than average compensation. What did you have in mind?"

Bail was thinking in terms of salary negotiation and perhaps opening a bank account for Xev on Alderaan, so what Xev said next surprised him. "I want Kai to get the bacta tank treatment. I don't know if it will really help him, but I'd like to give it a try. Kai has, as the medical robot put it, a life-threatening condition."

"He does?" said Bail, eyebrows raised. "I only met him briefly. What's wrong with Kai?"

"He's dead," Xev stated flatly.

"Sorry, I think I misunderstood you. Did you say Kai is–"

"Dead," Xev repeated. "He's a walking, talking animated corpse. The only thing that keeps him going is protoblood, a substance that was produced by the Gigashadow, a gigantic, almost planet-size intelligent bug back in the Light Universe. Imagine if bacta could make him better or even cure him. Kai could live again!"

Bail held up his hand. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Bacta is amazing stuff, but I've never heard of it bringing anyone back to life, and bacta isn't cheap. It's been in short supply ever since the fall of the Republic. That's a lot of compensation you're asking for – more than you know."

Xev looked stubborn. "Hello? Important job, you said? Needs to be filled immediately?"

"Okay! Okay! Bacta treatment it is," Bail said. He chuckled. "Now you're starting to remind me of my daughter." He stood up, brushed off his robe and held out his hand. "Shall we go?"

Xev reached up with her hand and allowed Bail to help her up. "Go where?" she asked, a little bit puzzled.

"Back to my cruiser of course," replied Bail. "Would you like something to eat? I can rustle up a pretty good emergency ration," he said with a grin.

"Why not?" Xev said, returning his smile. "It's bound to be better than the stuff we eat on the Lexx."

* * *

After showing off his cooking prowess, which consisted of pulling little tabs on two emergency rations causing them to self-heat, Bail Organa and Xev sat down to eat at a small table on board the cruiser. Xev was not entirely sure about eating something called an emergency ration, but was pleasantly surprised. The rations even came in at least twenty varieties. It was definitely better than the blue goo served by the Lexx.

As they finished, Bail said to Xev, "Be sure to eat the crackers that came in the package." He had a slight smile on his face.

"Really? Why?" Xev asked as she experimentally nibbled on one of her crackers. It seemed all right to her. She began to eat it.

"Because the crackers are the only part that's certain to be high in fiber. Trust me, you want to eat the crackers or you'll discover emergency rations don't have an exit strategy."

Xev choked on her cracker. She grabbed a glass of water and swallowed.

Bail grinned and continued. "That's if you eat them on a regular basis and don't eat the crackers. On the plus side, they are nutritionally complete, so you don't need to take supplements. And speaking of supplements, you still need to be checked out by the medical droid."

"Must I?" replied Xev. She didn't care for that idea. "I'm fine. Really."

"Yes, I know you feel fine, but supplements are best when tailored for each planet and the individual. To do that, the medical droid will need to examine you. Then it can produce a batch of pills specific to your needs. If you're going to live here for a few months, it's a necessary step. It's either that or eat nothing but emergency rations for the rest of your stay." Bail raised an eyebrow at Xev.

"Okay, fine," Xev sighed as she finished her last cracker. "Let's get this over with."

They stood up and Bail pressed a button. The table retracted into the wall, taking everything left behind on the table with it. They walked a short distance down the narrow corridor to the medical bay, where Yoda was still being monitored by the medical droid. Xev saw this as a last chance to escape an examination. "Well if Yoda can't be moved, I guess we'll just have to do this another –" She stopped as a second examination table slid out of the wall. "Oh."

"If you will lie down, please," said the droid. Xev reluctantly did as she was told, her head towards the wall with a diagnostic panel above. "If you would like some privacy, I can have Viceroy Organa leave the bay."

"No!" Xev said quickly. She looked at Bail with a pleading look. "Please stay." Bail quietly nodded to Xev.

"Very well," said the droid. "I will begin with a basic exam to establish a baseline."

"Okay," replied Xev. She closed her eyes, consciously kept her arms by her sides and told herself to not flinch. "How much poking and prodding does this involve?"

"None," replied the droid. "I have completed the scan. Beginning analysis…." The droid paused for several seconds. "You are not entirely human. I will need to run a fuller examination, which does involve drawing a blood and DNA sample. You may feel a stinging sensation."

Xev felt something press against her arm. There was a "pop" sound and brief feel of something sharp. The feeling was gone almost as soon as she felt it. It wasn't nearly as bad as she had anticipated. She relaxed and continued to lay quietly, eyes closed, as she heard a slight hum she assumed was a scanning device.

"This is outrageous!" exclaimed the droid. "I have never seen or heard of such unethical butchery in my entire existence! Who would do such a thing?" Her eyes snapped open and she lifted partway up on the table to look at the droid, resting back on her elbows. The medical droid was actually shaking and was the source of the hum Xev was hearing.

Bail's jaw dropped, astonished. He has never known a medical droid to lose its professional decorum. "Perhaps you need to dial back on the empathy level?" he suggested, not knowing if the droid could actually do that.

The humming stopped as the droid collected itself. "If there is one hard lesson learned going back to antiquity," the droid said. "It is to be extraordinarily careful when tampering with a being's DNA sequence. For thousands of years, medical ethics has dictated geneticists may only make changes as needed to correct defects."

The droid paused to wave at Xev. "This patient's DNA has been tampered with in the most brute-force manner imaginable along virtually her entire sequence, with large sections of unknown DNA added in seemingly at random. It is a wonder she is alive at all, never mind being strong and remarkably healthy given the conditions she is living in."

"Oh!" said Xev. "That must be cluster lizard DNA you're seeing. I'm part cluster lizard now," she said matter-of-factly.

"Yes, you mentioned that before," frowned Bail. "At the time I thought it was a figure of speech. How is it you are part cluster lizard 'now,' as you say?"

Xev looked pensive as she recalled unpleasant memories. "I was being forcibly married to a Divine Shadow acolyte, a bratty teenage boy who called me a 'fat cow' when we saw each other for the first time at our wedding. He demanded I be sent back to the wife bank in exchange for someone better. I was both angry and afraid. I slugged the little brat on the chin, and I was arrested for 'failure in the performance of my wifely duties' and sent to The Cluster for trial. I was found guilty of course – I don't think any prisoner sent to The Cluster was ever found to be innocent – and sentenced to be turned into a love slave."

"That's terrible!" Bail said, horrified at the story. "You're saying your society actually used DNA alteration as a form of punishment?"

"That was one form. Most people were sentenced to death by recycling for crimes like failing to tithe to the Divine Order. Organ harvesting was performed immediately after sentencing – without anesthesia. People died screaming. This all happened in front of everyone waiting their turn to be tried. You knew what was coming. The entire process was automated, from trial to execution of sentence."

There was silence for a moment. Bail ran his fingers through his hair, dismayed. "That has got to be the most barbaric thing I've ever heard," he said. "And I've seen and heard a lot. So you were turned into a love slave?"

"Only partially," replied Xev. "I have the body of a love slave," she said while waving to herself. "That part I like, but I got lucky. The transformation process was interrupted when an escaped cluster lizard entered the room and attacked 790, the robot operating the love slave machine. The cluster lizard ate the biological parts of 790 and turned to attack me while I was strapped down for the transformation. The cluster lizard was caught in the machinery and decapitated, and that was how its DNA became mixed in with mine. After the physical transformation completed, I was able to free myself and I put 790's head on the table for the second part of the transformation. So while I'm still in my right mind, 790 received the love slave programming, and that's why 790 loves me."

"Young woman, you are lucky to be alive," said the medical droid. "I do not know if you are aware of all the things done to you as part of this transformation–"

"I know I have an elevated libido," Xev interrupted, and smiled appraisingly at Bail Organa, who shifted uncomfortably.

"The human libido hardly needs to be elevated," the droid responded somewhat archly. "Compared to most species, humans have their 'mating season' permanently switched on. In your case, you seem to be stuck in sexual arousal as well. For a man, it would be equivalent to having a permanent erection with all the primal urges that come with it."

"Ow! Too much information!" exclaimed Bail with a pained expression.

The droid ignored Bail's outburst and went on. "It also puts severe stress on your body. If your physiology were not already boosted – by inclusion of the cluster lizard I suspect – you would be suffering from advanced coronary disease by now and need reconstructive heart therapy."

Xev shuttered. "Love slaves were never meant to last long. There was even a fail-safe kill switch built into me, to ensure my death after a limited period. It is supposed to be gone now. I'm actually past my expiration date."

The droid nodded its head. "I see no evidence of a kill switch, as you put it. You should be able to live a normal life span. On the other hand, I must report you are sterile. All of your organs are still in place and functional, but you no longer have any eggs. If you wish to become pregnant, you will need DNA and stem cell therapy with artificial implantation. After that you should be able to carry a fetus to term and give birth normally."

Xev smiled. "Good to know, but I'm not in a hurry. Anything else?"

"Your immune system is also boosted. In particular, it is well suited to killing off any sexually transmitted diseases. I suspect this was not done for your benefit, but to protect those you would have been expected to service as a love slave. Still, it does mean you are remarkably healthy – more healthy than a normal human would be living under the same conditions."

The droid turned to the side and began to select options on a monitor. After a few seconds, a drawer popped open and the droid removed a bottle filled with pills. It turned back to Xev. "This is a three month supply of nutrition supplements. These are specifically tailored to you, to be used only by you and only while you are living here on Dagobah. Take one tablet with each meal when eating native plants and animals. If you eat an emergency ration, you can skip taking a tablet for that meal. Instructions are written on the bottle."

Xev took the bottle and looked at it. "Sorry, I can't read this, but don't worry! One pill per Dagobah meal. Got it."

"You never learned to read?" Bail asked in a disbelieving voice.

Xev snorted. "Of course I know how to read! I just don't know how to read this language! I've never seen it before."

"You really do come from somewhere far, far away, don't you?" Bail said in wonder.


	18. Sweet Dreams

Chapter 18: Sweet Dreams

**Alderaan**

Kitten quietly slipped into the electronics room. She was still wearing the robe she had put on when Stanley and the others sat down for a morning meal. She waved at the monitor where Stanley could be seen in the shower. "Are his clothes back from the lab yet? I can't keep holding him off."

One of the technicians looked up. "Sorry boss, but we haven't received anything. The last I heard, they were dreaming up new tests."

Kitten rolled her eyes. "Typical," she fumed. "Did you scan the clothes before sending them off to the lab?"

"Sure thing. I've got a copy right here." The technician held up a datachip. "I also sent a copy to the central server for safe keeping."

Kitten sighed. "Well, at least we have that. What does the scan show? Any complications?"

The technician grinned. "Nope. No CPU mesh, no climate controls – nothing. Just your basic do-nothing passive cloth, although the fiber itself is apparently unusual."

Kitten smiled. "That makes things easier. Print three sets of clothes patterned on the originals. We'll tell Stanley the laundry service screwed up and give him the new sets as an apology. Let the lab keep the originals for all I care." Kitten exited the electronics room via the hallway. She didn't want to risk being seen opening the mirror door that led straight into the Master's bedroom. She headed down the hall to wait for the 3D printer to complete its task.

Stanley successfully turned off the shower – an accomplishment in his opinion. This shower could do a lot of spray options in directions the Lexx never dreamed of, but it was also complicated. It made Stanley wish for the simplicity of the Lexx.

As Stanley began to dry off, he heard the sound of bare feet padding into the bathroom. _Not again!_ he thought, and covered his face with his towel to conceal a groan. "Lillie, I do like you, really, but I also need time to recover before…." Stanley uncovered his face. "Gaaa!" he exclaimed.

It was Heather standing there naked, looking at Stanley with a predatory grin. "Let's take a shower," she commanded, and snatched away Stanley's towel. She tossed the towel over her shoulder without looking back and pushed her way forward, forcing Stanley back into the shower stall.

"But I just finished showering!" Stanley protested to no avail.

Heather closed the sliding door behind her. "You missed a spot." She reached around Stanley while keeping him pinned in and turned on the water. She turned on the side sprays as well and set them to pulse, making a lot of noise in the small space. She suddenly seized Stanley and pulled him close face-to-face, their bodies jammed together.

While keeping Stanley pinned to herself with one strong arm, Heather reached down with the other and grabbed hold. She leaned forward and whispered into his ear, "If you don't want to lose the family jewels, talk!"

"Talk?" Stanley squeaked. "Talk about what?" He was feeling panicky, his heart pounding, and strangely aroused at same time.

Heather slowly grinned. "My, you are frisky. Does danger excite you?" she breathed softly in his ear. "Consider your manhood to be at risk. Where did you come up with that Giggerota story? A cute play on my real name. What did you do, hack my therapist's records?"

"Isn't your name Heather?" Stanley said weakly. He closed his eyes and wished his body would quit responding to Heather's ministrations.

Heather laughed. "Of course not! We all use house names when we're with clients! Well, except for the clones. They might as well be Billie, Lillie, and Millie. My real name is Ginger Rota."

Stanley's eyes snapped back open. "You mean you really _are_ Giggerota?" His panic level was rising again. Ginger rolled her eyes and suddenly kissed Stanley hard on the lips, forcing her tongue into his mouth. Stanley could only go "Oooooooooo!" as he floundered ineffectively.

Ginger finally stopped, allowing Stanley to come up for air. "Did that feel like some sort of weird snake tongue to you?" she demanded as Stanley gasped like a fish.

"Ah… no?" Stanley flashed a weak, toothy grin. He took in a deep breath. "Look Heather, Ginger, whatever your name is. We only arrived yesterday, and the first thing I did was to come here. How could I possibly have known you would be here at this particular brothel, a brothel picked by someone else, not me, and have time to hack records in a language I can't read? Or even know you have a therapist? Do I look that smart or clever to you?"

Ginger held Stanley tightly to her, looking him in the eyes. After a few seconds, she relaxed her grip. "I suppose not," she finally conceded. "But still, it's very weird. Your story is strikingly similar to some recurring nightmares I've had." Ginger shuttered at the recollection, and brought herself back to the present. She grinned at Stanley again. "Speaking of snakes, let's not let yours go to waste."

Stanley froze in place. "Ahhhh…" was all he could manage.

Ginger sighed. "Come on Stanley, let's put on a show." She took charge and slipped him into position. She put her hands on Stanley's lower back, keeping him firmly pressed to her. She whispered in his ear once again. "I'm pretty sure this whole bedroom suite is bugged. I wouldn't put it past them to bug the shower too. That's why I have everything on in here. I want a private conversation."

"What?" Stanley gasped. He started to pull away from Ginger.

Ginger pulled Stanley back to her and began sensually moving her hips. "Oh buck up, Stanley, and put your arms around me like you mean it. There, that's better," she said as Stanley complied. "The regular news hasn't reporting anything, but amateur video of a strange ship blowing away two destroyers like nothing to it keeps popping up on the net, only to disappear again, sometimes after only a few minutes. Would that have something to do with you?"

"It might," Stanley replied guardedly. Being forced to think about what Giggerota… no, Ginger, was telling him caused his physical passion, so urgent moments ago, to evaporate. "Sorry, I'm losing it," he said quietly.

"It doesn't matter," Ginger said. She kissed him again, this time with tenderness. "But let's keep pretending for a little longer, just in case." Out loud she said, "Oh Stanley! You really _are_ the man!"

"Hey, wait a minute!" said Stanley as a thought occurred to him. "If our arrival hasn't been generally reported, then how did Kitten know who I was and call me 'the hero of Alderaan?'"

"Kitten?" replied Ginger. She moaned loudly for effect and leaned in closer. "Don't know her – don't trust her. Yesterday was the first time I've ever seen her. Supposedly she's from an affiliated house, except she arrived with several military-looking types. Upstairs was off limits for about half an hour before everything went back to normal, except a storage room now has a combination lock. Then Kitten changed into a ridiculous see-through outfit and sat downstairs, reading a tablet, ignoring all the regulars until you arrived."

"You mean this whole thing is a setup?" Stanley paused for a moment before remembering they were faking sex. He started countering Ginger's hip movement.

"Not entirely. I really do work here, and so do the clones. I don't think Billie, Lillie and Millie have a clue what's going on." Ginger grinned. "Lillie likes you, you know."

"She does?" Stanley was pleased and a little troubled. "She has a funny way of showing it, flashing her lady parts and all."

Ginger smiled somewhat sadly. "The clones grew up in this house. Poor Lillie doesn't know anything else. Me? Sex work is for the young and I'm already in my mid-thirty's. I don't plan to do this forever."

Ginger kissed Stanley with passion and ran her fingernails up and down Stanley's back, sending waves of excitement through his body. This version of Giggerota (Ginger!) was turning out to be a much more interesting person than he expected. He was starting to like her, and he was beginning to feel genuine desire again. "You know what, Ginger?" he said. "We may not have to fake it after all."

Ginger rubbed noses with Stanley. "I'd like that," she breathed. "And I mean that personally, not professionally."

* * *

Kitten keyed in her pass code in the hallway and entered the electronics room. "How's it going?"

"You should see this," responded one of the technicians. With a few quick keystrokes he had an image of the bathroom pulled up on a monitor. Ginger was there, pushing Stanley back into the shower stall. The door closed and the water turned on.

"Can you clean that up?" asked Kitten. "I need to know what they're saying."

"We're already working on it, boss, but I can't make any guarantees. That water spray really messes with the sound pickup. As for what they're doing, well, that's pretty obvious."

Kitten cursed under her breath. "Ginger is just a little too clever for her own good. They _might_ just be having a good time, but unless you can get the sound cleaned up, we'll never know." Kitten fumed for a few seconds and then sighed. "I know you'll do your best. Let me know when you have something."

"Sure thing, boss."

* * *

Stanley was starting to see Kitten in a new light. When he and Ginger came out of the shower, Kitten was waiting in the bedroom with three brand new sets of clothes. Kitten said something about the laundry service messing up, but it left Stanley wondering if there wasn't more to it. Actually, he was delighted to have new clothes, even if they were copies of his old security guard uniform. These were much nicer than the original, and most importantly, they didn't itch! He didn't have the heart to tell Kitten any men's clothing would have been fine.

Stanley dressed and admired himself in the wall mirror. "Well," he said as he made a small adjustment to the angle of his cap. "It's been a blast, but I should be getting back to my ship." He looked over at Kitten, who was now wearing a conservative off-white dress that went all the way down to the floor. Her hair was pulled up into large buns, covering both ears.

Kitten noticed Stanley's look. "Princess Leia wears her hair like this." She turned her head back and forth. "It's the latest fashion. What do you think?" she said with a smile.

"I thought you were wearing headphones," he quipped. Kitten kept her smile fixed because she did, in fact, have a transceiver/recorder in her right ear, hidden underneath her hair. "Now, about checking out…" Stanley said uncomfortably, wondering if that credit chip was too good to be true.

Kitten waved her hand. "It's all taken care of. You don't have to worry about a thing," she said reassuringly.

_Yeah, I'll bet the government picked up the tab_, Stanley thought. _Not Bail Organa personally. _"That's a relief," he said out loud. "When will Major Organa be by to pick me up?"

"Major Organa won't be coming," replied Kitten. "One of your crewmembers will be picking you up instead, in something called a 'moth?'" She thought that was an odd term for a shuttle, but Stanley nodded his understanding. "We thought it would be easier for him to find the park nearby than picking out one landing pad among many in the residential area. The park is just two blocks east from here. It's a pretty day. We can wait there if you like."

"We?" said Stanley, wondering where this was going.

"Well," said Kitten, looking down. "I was hoping–"

"Yes, we," interrupted a voice at the door. It was Ginger, wearing a light blue pantsuit with a dark blue jacket. Her hair was fluffed out on the sides with bangs over her eyes. It was disturbingly similar to the way Giggerota had worn her hair, but at least the pantsuit wasn't skin tone. That would have been too much for Stanley. "Remember? You invited me up to your ship." Ginger gave Stanley a significant look.

"Oh, right!" Stanley rallied, pointing his finger at Ginger. "Yes I did, didn't I? And Kai will be picking me up in a moth." Stanley looked over at Kitten and sucked in air through pursed lips. "A moth is small. It doesn't have the carrying capacity of one of your shuttles." Stanley shrugged with a fixed toothy grin.

"Oh I'm sure it can carry more than one passenger," Kitten said smoothly. Underneath, she was alarmed at the way Ginger was manipulating Stanley.

"Which means Lillie can come too!" Ginger said brightly. "Remember how you promised to invite Lillie first, if she wants to come?"

A blur zoomed across the room and jumped on Stanley. He staggered back, barely managing to remain upright. "You're inviting me to your ship?" Lillie squealed with delight, her arms and legs wrapped around him. She began planting kisses all over Stanley's face. "No one ever invites me to anything! I'll get to see Alderaan from space! Thank you thank you thank you! I'll be right back!" Lillie dropped down and zoomed out of the room, leaving Stanley breathless.

Stanley looked at Kitten apologetically. "Three is a crowd; four is the absolute limit in a moth."

Kitten was fuming, but she couldn't do anything about the current situation without revealing more than she was prepared to do at the moment. "I'll come to the park with you," she said. "If nothing else, I'd like to see this 'moth' for myself." _With luck, Stanley will change his mind about who's going._

"Ready!" Lillie called from the door. Stanley's jaw dropped. If Kitten and Ginger were dressed conservatively, Lillie was the polar opposite. She had on sandals with thin silver straps. She was wearing the tiniest pair of low-cut silver metallic shorts Stanley had ever seen. They were so form-fitting he had to believe she was wearing nothing underneath. A lose silver crop-top with mid-length sleeves completed the ensemble. The material flowed freely, emphasizing her nipples and flashing the bottom edge of her breasts with virtually every step. Stanley was starting to understand what Ginger meant when she said living in this house was the only life Lillie knew.

"Goodness! Don't you look lovely!" he said, not knowing what else to say. "Let's get going!"

The park was ten minutes away, a pleasant stroll along a tree-shaded footpath. As they went, Lillie skipped and jumped excitedly like a hyperactive puppy. Every time she jumped, her breasts were briefly on view. Stanley was becoming increasingly nervous, sure Lillie's antics would get them into trouble. Ten minutes seemed to take forever.

At last they arrived. There were a few benches shaded by trees, and an open grassy field marked for some sort of game. Stanley found an empty bench and sat down. Kitten and Ginger sat on either side of him, but Lillie was too excited to sit still.

Stanley looked around. The park had several visitors. Some were jogging along footpaths or exercising; others were sitting on shaded benches, and still others were out in the field sunning. It was very pleasant. _This has got to be the nicest planet I've ever visited_, Stanley thought. _I wonder…. Could we live here permanently?_

His thoughts were interrupted when Lillie came bouncing up. She kicked off her sandals. "Could you hang on to this for me?" She pulled off her crop-top in one quick motion and tossed it to Stanley. She ran out into the field wearing nothing but her silver shorts and began to do cartwheels.

Stanley's heart jumped as he spotted a pair of men wearing uniforms strolling along a park path. "Oh no! What if those guys see Lillie?"

Ginger laughed. "You mean the Guardia? I'm sure they already see her – she's quite the attention-seeker. Why do you ask?"

Stanley looked around the park. Like himself, the majority of the people here were fully dressed, but among those who had removed their tops, he began to realize they were pretty evenly split between men and women. Comprehension dawned as he realized Lillie was not the only topless female present. "Okay, never mind," he said, relieved. _Is this a great planet or what?_

Lillie finally came back and sat down in the shade, breathing hard. "That was fun!" she said, while fanning herself with her hands. She was perspiring freely.

"Do you want this back?" Stanley asked while holding out her crop-top.

Lillie shook her head. "Not yet – I need to cool off first."

A few seconds later, they all heard the sound of flapping wings and a loud chirping sound.

Stanley looked up. "There it is!" He pointed as he spotted the arriving moth. As the moth circled the park, the people out in the field began to pick up their things and move out of the way. As soon as the center of the field was clear, the moth began to descend vertically. Lillie jumped up and ran out to see the moth, leaving Stanley holding her crop-top.

"Wow!" said Kitten. She looked at Stanley with wide eyes. "When you said it was a moth, you really meant it, didn't you?"

"You betcha!" Stanley replied with a grin. He looked over at Ginger, who didn't appear to be doing well. She was staring hard at the moth as if not quite believing her eyes. "Ginger? Are you okay? How are you feeling?"

"Hungry?" Ginger muttered, and shook her head. "That's gross! I don't know what I feel."

Kitten reached over and patted Ginger on the arm. "If you don't feel well, perhaps you should return home."

"No!" Ginger exclaimed and jumped up from the bench. "Stanley invited me and that's that! I'm going." She began to trudge off towards the moth.

Stanley and Kitten stood up together. "Stanley?" Kitten put her hand on his arm. "Don't hesitate to call if you need help with Ginger. We all care about her."

_How could you possibly care about Ginger? You only met yesterday_, Stanley thought. "I will," he said aloud. He reached down and scooped up Lillie's shoes. "Want to see the moth up close?" he asked, jerking his head towards the field.

"I thought you'd never ask," Kitten replied with a smile. Together they began to walk to the moth.

As they approached, there seemed to be some sort of altercation going on. The right side canopy was open and Kai was standing beside the moth, unmistakably blocking Ginger's way. Lillie, meanwhile, was peeking curiously inside and occasionally glancing back at Kai and Ginger with a concerned expression. Ginger, for her part, was arguing with Kai.

"Hello Stanley," said Kai as Stanley and Kitten walked up. "It would seem Giggerota survived the destruction of Brunnis."

"And I'm telling you for the third time, I AM NOT GIGGEROTA!" Ginger yelled, fists clinched, her face flushed with anger. Kai was unmoved by her denials.

"Ginger!" called Stanley. "Give us a minute, will you?"

"Fine!" growled Ginger. She stalked off away from the moth. Kitten followed Ginger.

"Hey! Kai old buddy!" Stanley said. "Giggerota – our Giggerota anyway – is dead. There's no way she could have survived the Brunnis super nova."

"Then who is that?" Kai asked, still eying Ginger with suspicion. Ginger and Kitten were talking quietly.

"Well, she goes by 'Ginger Rota' – I know, real close – and yeah, she looks like Giggerota too, but beyond that she seems to be a different person. It's like she's some sort of partial reincarnation of Giggerota." Stanley shook his head. "I can't explain it. Anyway, she seems okay. She warned me that Kitten…" Stanley pointed to Kitten. "…is apparently some sort of spy or government agent."

"That is not surprising," replied Kai. "They are curious about us, and some officials are worried we might be associated with their local Empire."

"Well that's silly!" exclaimed Stanley. He paused and frowned. "Wait, how do you know that?"

"Major Bail Organa said as much when he asked permission for a team to search the Lexx. He was rather apologetic. It is clear he doesn't believe we have ties to the Empire."

Stanley was surprised. "And you allowed this?" he asked in disbelief.

"It seemed diplomatic to do so," Kai replied. "And they cannot control the Lexx. As Major Organa pointed out, the Lexx is large enough to hide an entire army with supporting units."

Stanley rolled his eyes. "If there was an army on board, I think we'd know about it by now," he groused. "I am quickly getting tired of all this covert spy crap."

Lillie came bouncing up and put an arm around Stanley's waist. "Who's your handsome friend?" she said, eying Kai, clearly attracted.

"That's Kai, and no, he's not interested," Stanley snapped, slightly jealous. Lillie looked taken aback, and Stanley realized he was being overly rude. "Sorry," he said. He put his arm around Lillie's shoulders and gave her a squeeze. "What I mean is, it's just not in Kai's nature to be interested."

"He doesn't like girls?" Lillie asked. She reached up with a hand a jiggled a bare breast at Kai. There was no reaction. "I see what you mean," she said while watching Kai. She looked up at Stanley and grinned. "Can we go see your ship now?" she said excitedly, bouncing slightly on the balls of her feet.

"Sure, why not?" replied Stanley. He held out Lillie's crop-top and shoes. "Wanna put this stuff back on?"

Lillie stuck out her lower lip. "Aw, do I have to?" she teased, and broke into a grin.

"Well, I suppose technically you don't have to…" Stanley said as he grinned back. "Our ship, our rules, but apparently there are other visitors on board." Lillie took her clothes.

As Lillie adjusted her top, Stanley said to Kai, "Do you think we can get four people in the moth?"

"It will be tight, but yes," replied Kai.

"Oh! I like tight!" Lillie laughed, and batted her eyes at Kai. Again, there was absolutely no reaction. "Geez, he might as well be dead!" she said, and walked over to the moth.

"Got it in one," Stanley muttered to himself. "Okay, let's go!" He called out. Lillie was already inside. Ginger came up with a determined expression on her face and climbed in. She sat in back, jammed shoulder to shoulder with Lillie.

Stanley gave Kitten a hug. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get to see the Lexx another time," he said without really meaning it. He turned away and climbed in, along with Kai.

"Take care of the girls!" Kitten called and waved as the wings began to flutter. With a rapid beat, the moth took off a little more slowly than usual and circled the park once or twice as it gained altitude. It finally took off in a straight line and disappeared from view.

Kitten hurried back to the house. As she entered, the protocol droid looked up. "Doctor Kitt? The technicians say they have something for you."

"Thank you, 3P2." Kitten walked upstairs. She keyed in her pass code and entered the electronics room.

"Hey boss!" called one of the technicians. "We got that shower chat cleaned up. We couldn't get everything, but it's enough to get the gist of the conversation."

Kitten listened silently to the playback. "Damn! I was afraid of that. Get hold of Major Organa in the Alderaan Guard and route the call to my office."

Kitten went down the hall and opened the door to a small bedroom converted into a temporary office. As she worked on a report for the Viceroy, her intercom buzzed. "Major Organa for you, Doctor Kitt," the droid said over the intercom.

"Lara!" said Major Bail's voice. "If you're going to play psychoanalytical roll games or whatever it is you do, at least give me some warning! Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to stand there pretending I didn't know you and watch some stranger fondle my sister's tits?"

"Sorry Baily," Kitten replied. "I didn't know it would be you delivering Stanley Tweedle. Uncle Bail knew I had a setup here and pressed me into service as an impromptu spy, but that's not why I called. I need access to the Lexx – stat."

"I'm up on the Lexx now. Why do you need to come up here?"

"Because one of my patients, Ginger Rota, is riding with Stanley Tweedle in a giant moth back to the Lexx as we speak. She's sold Stanley on her spy fantasy, and there seems to be a strange connection between Ginger and the Lexx people. It could undo months of therapy!"

"Look, Lara, I understand you're dedicated to the tough cases, but I still don't get why–"

"Baily! We're talking about someone who might try to act out cannibalism fantasies!"

"Hang on…." A few seconds passed. "Okay, a shuttle is on its way to your location," Major Bail replied.

"Thank you!" Kitten said with relief. "I hope I won't be too late."


End file.
